Page 51 of It Should Have Been Me

“Wow, you’re on a roll today. I’m supposed to be the funny one in this relationship.” Another pang of guilt hits me, but I manage to keep my smile intact.

“So, listen,” he continues. “Remember, I told you I was looking for inspiration before I start with my new painting, and when my mother called the other day, she told me about this meditation camp. It’s all about balancing your energy and cleansing your aura. I want to try it and see if it works.”

“That’s sounds great. You should try it.”

“The only problem is that it’s out in the wilderness. They want us to disconnect from the world and reconnect with nature, so there isn’t any cellphone reception there. I won’t be able to call you for the next few days.”

Somehow, I’m simultaneously relieved and disappointed. At least now I won’t have to battle this guilt while talking to him every day. It will give me a chance to pull myself together before he flies over.

“Well, that sucks,” I say, and only a part of me means it.

“I’m sorry, my love. I just thought it would be better to do it now while we’re apart anyway, and we don’t have time when we get back because we have to pack and leave for London. It’s only ten days. I have to be back before the exhibition next Thursday, so I’ll call you when I get back to Paris.”

“Okay.” I give a somber nod, then blow a kiss. “Travel safe. I’ll miss you.” That part I mean wholeheartedly.

“I’ll miss you, too. And...I...I love you.”

I smile through my growing disappointment in myself. “I love you, too, Bon-bon.”

And then you can tell him just how much you love him...with my cum still inside you.

The sting of those words brings tears to my eyes, and I hang up before they roll down my cheek. Two men told me they love me today, and I feel torn between them even though I’ve already made up my mind about who I want to be with. I’ve built a life with JP. And not only do we love each other, but our dreams also align. We want the same things. Being with him is the obvious choice...yet I still feel my heart straying back to Scott. I’m just trying to make peace with the past. That’s all. There are too many feelings that have resurfaced, my old ones somehow dominating the new ones.

What’s most prominent, though, is this overwhelming sense of confusion, because I clearly don’t know where to place my loyalty. I never wanted to end my relationship with Scott, so maybe that’s why I feel so uncertain about everything now and my undecided loyalty is actually the biggest problem here. I was with Scott for so long that having sex with him doesn’t feel wrong...until I remember that Icheatedon my boyfriend. And once I deal with that, I’ll be just fine.

“I got pizza!” Isabella yells from downstairs.

It’s only when I hear the invitation that I realize how hungry I am. I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Keith and I emerge from our respective bedrooms at the same time and walk down the stairs together.

“You’re home,” he comments, giving methe lookagain. “Must’ve been one wild party.”

“It was.” I try to sound as chirpy as possible. “Isa bailed early, but I wasn’t ready to leave. Scott had to pry me off the dance floor.” I take a slice of pizza topped with pepperoni and extra cheese and sit down at the dining table. “I think we only left at four this morning. I was so exhausted, I just passed out on his couch.”

The lies are just rolling off my tongue now. Everyone else had left. No one knows what really happened last night except Scott and I, and I intend to keep it that way. The only person that needs to know about that is JP, and I’m still trying to figure out how and when I’m going to tell him. I don’t know if I should tell him before he flies over or tell him in person after the wedding. I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t have the emotional strength to tell him today, not with my head buzzing non-stop with memories of Scott.

Even though I have never kept secrets from my sister, this time I have to. She already has so much stress to deal with. I don’t want to burden her with this as well. I just want her to focus on her happy day.

Keith takes a few slices for himself, and after taking a bite, he goes back to giving me the look. “Is Jean-Pierre okay with...with you having spent the night at Scott’s place? I can’t imagine any man who would be...comfortable with his girlfriend spending the night at her ex’s apartment.”

Isa decides to answer for me. “Dad, JP has nothing to worry about. Cat is the most faithful girlfriend on the planet. She dated Scott long-distance for ayear and a halfand not once did she stray. He knows he can trust her.”

The statement is like a kick to the stomach. Guilt and shame rise in my throat, and I’m utterly nauseated.

It took me four days to get into your panties. Four days and I had you begging for me. I think maybe you should reevaluate your definition of love.

His words keep taunting me, reminding me of all the choices I willingly made, and now I can’t seem to fully accept the consequences. Keith was the one who warned me about this right from the beginning, but I just couldn’t stay away from that douche. I’m not even going to over-analyze his comment. I cheated on JP because I fell into temptation. I didn’t cheat on Scott because there hadn’t been any temptation.

Hmm...Well, no need to over-analyze that. The fact that I was never even tempted speaks volumes.

“Besides,” Isa says, lifting a slice to her mouth, “Cat and Scott would never do that to me. Can you imagine that kind of scandal at my wedding? Like we don’t have enough gossip and rumors floating around. Dylan is getting married eighteen months after ending a five-year relationship with Francesca. People are already talking shit, saying I’m the rebound, and that he’s using me to get over her. Whatever. I don’t care what they think, but we definitely don’t need any more drama surrounding my wedding.”

It’s official. I’m a despicable human being and the world’s worst big sister. Last night when I was all over Scott, the furthest thought from my mind was what would happen when JP and Scott meet each other at the wedding, or what might happen if anyone ever found out. I have no idea how I’m going to handle this situation.

“Come now, Isa,” Keith says lightly. “I wasn’t even suggesting that Cat would ever cheat. All I’m saying is there’s a history there and I don’t know many guys who would be comfortable with that situation.”

I’m so tired of feeling like a horrid person that I decide to tell the truth about this one. “So, um...JP doesn’t know that Scott and I were engaged...or that we were even a couple.”

“What!” they both shout in unison.

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