Page 302 of The Winslow Brothers

Mama Winslow: Ty, honey, I think you and I both know you don’t need help finding women. If anything, you need help NOT finding women. I always make extra food, just in case you drag one in off the street.

Me: You have a lot of bachelorettes just lurking outside your house, Ma?

Mama Winslow: You wish, son. What about TapNext? I hear that’s one of the better sites.

Me: TapNext is good, I guess. You know Kline Brooks runs that, right? Anyway, like I said, I’m not getting online. I don’t need another place for people to find me.

Kline Brooks is a family friend. He’s best friends with my brother-in-law, Wes, and his wife Georgia is one of Winnie’s gal pals.

Mama Winslow: I’m talking about online dating for me, not for you.

Hold the fucking phone.

Me: WHAT? You’re getting on Tinder?

Mama Winslow: I’m considering it.

Me: Mom, I fully support your dating, but for the love of God, do not start a Tinder profile.

Mama Winslow: What’s wrong with Tinder?

Me: Because it’s for hookups. Booty calls. Not date nights.

Mama Winslow: But what if that’s what I’m looking for?

Is she high?

Me: WHAT?

Mama Winslow: LOL. I swear, you boys are so easy to mess with. Anyway, Aunt Paula is here. I gotta go. It’s a girls’ shopping day.

Me: Wait a minute, crazy lady, so you were joking about the whole online dating thing? Or just Tinder booty calls?

Mama Winslow: I know it’s hard for you boys to believe, but all women, even your mother, want to find companionship.

Me: You act like all of our monthly date nights don’t even exist. Are you trying to tell me I’m not enough for you, Mom?

I’m the only one out of the five of us who takes Wendy Winslow out on monthly date nights to fancy restaurants, the opera, and her favorite Broadway shows. I pull out all the stops, and what? Now it’s not enough?

Mama Winslow: Very funny, Ty. You know I love our little date nights, but I’m looking for something it’d be illegal for a son to give me.

Me: MA!

Mama Winslow: LOL Relax. I’m teasing you…mostly.

My mom has been a single woman,a single mother of five kids, for most of my life. My father fucked off when we were young, and she made raising us her only priority. Honestly, she gave us the world.

All five of her kids are well-adjusted, successful adults, and even though Jude is still kind of a lunatic, it’s safe to say she did one hell of a job.

Truthfully, it’s about time she started dating and focusing on herself.

Me: I fully support you in this endeavor, but no Tinder, okay? It’s not like Kline needs money from another membership, but that’s the best option of them all.

Mama Winslow: Deal. TapNext, it is. Love you, honey.

Me: Love you too, crazy lady. Have fun with Aunt P.

The clock on the wall behind me ticks loudly to the beat of the second hand, and all the crap on my overloaded smartphone suddenly seems boring as hell. I have twenty minutes to kill before my next class and absolutely no motivation to get up and move.

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