Page 303 of The Winslow Brothers

An idea hits me, and instead, I make a FaceTime call to my brother Remy. He answers by the second ring, and his big head consumes the screen of my phone within seconds. I wouldn’t normally spread my mom’s shit around, but if anyone can keep it to himself, it’s my brood-tastic eldest sibling.

“Yo.”

“Mom is going to start dating,” I say by way of greeting and note that he’s currently eating a banana.

“What?” he questions around a mouthful.

“Mom was just texting me about Tinder and Match.com and shit. She wants to start dating.”

“No shit?” He looks at me with the banana half in his mouth, and I feel like I’m watching my brother suck on a dick.

“Rem, for the love of God, do you not understand anything about banana-eating etiquette? I’m talking about Mom wanting to play the tickle tango, and you’re doing your damnedest to show me exactly what it’s going to look like.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“There’s a right way and a wrong way to eat a banana in public, and you’re definitely doing it all fucking wrong.”

He stares at me and continues to take big, slow-as-hell bites of the phallic-shaped fruit. The whole time, his eyes staying locked with mine.

“You’re deranged.”

He grins and goes even more X-rated by closing his eyes and moaning like the fruit tastes so good it’s orgasmic.

“You’re fucked in the head.”

“Is that the only reason you were calling me? To tell me about Mom’s big dating plans and criticize the way I snack?”

“No, actually, I wanted to talk to my financial adviser about my investments. I just thought, I don’t know, you might be more interested in what’s going on with your family.”

He rolls his eyes. “Ma can do what she wants. She deserves to be happy. Who the fuck am I to judge how she wants to achieve that? Also, I’m not your financial adviser.”

He’s right about my mom. I knew it was none of my business before I even started the call, so I move on to the other subject at hand. “But you handle my investments.”

“I give you advice,” he corrects, and I grin.

“Same difference.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Do I need to pull out of Tesla?”

“No.”

“And your reasoning?”

“Because you asked me, and I’m telling you not to.”

“Okay. And your reasoning that’s not pretentious and actually explains things would be?”

“Because if you hold, Tesla is going to make you an obscene amount of money over the next few years.”

“How sure are you?”

“Dude. I’m not a fucking fortune-teller. I can only tell you what I see is a statistical probability. I can’t predict black swan events that will rock the market. But if nothing insane happens, then yes, I’m certain. Tesla is highly undervalued and will become a big asset in the EV market.”

The only words my brain registers are fortune-teller, but I quickly squash that shit down.

Rem is an investing genius. He knows shit it feels like God doesn’t know sometimes. I’d be a prick and a half not to listen to him, as he’s made me and all my brothers more than financially stable. We’re all pretty much set for our lifetimes. Winnie’s husband is rich as fuck, so I don’t know that she really needs Rem, but before that, he made sure to take care of her too.

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