Page 27 of Sworn to Protect

Jordan opens the car door and steps out. Keeping his hands on the roof, he ducks down, his expression serious. “I’ll get back with that information.”

I shake my head and concede. It’s useless to fight him. He won’t listen. “Whatever makes you feel better.”

“Strong-willed or not, I can’t have someone taking advantage of my sister.”

“I’ve missed you,” I admit. Because I have. Everyone needs their big brother. Flaws and all.

“I’ve missed you too, sis.”

I drive home after Jordan collects his tote from my back seat and ducks into Mom’s house. During the entire ride, Jordan’s words played through my head. I am strong, but I don’t always want to be. It’s hard always being “on.” Sometimes, I just want to be protected. Like the night during one of Ethan’s deployments. A storm had knocked out the power, and I’d been scared out of my mind trying to calm a feverish Liam by candlelight. Ethan had laughed it off when he came home, saying I’d handled it just fine. Butthat night, all I’d wanted was for someone to take over, to tell me it would be okay. I never got that, not then, not ever. Is that so much to ask? To not have to make all the daily decisions. Guilt overwhelms me. I knew what I was getting into when I married Ethan. I knew his job would take him away. I knew he’d be the one to sign up for any and every mission he could. He was an adrenaline junkie, always looking for the next high. His high just happened to be jumping out of airplanes and partaking in covert missions. But knowing all that and living it were two different things.

I need to go through some of the storage boxes when I get back home. It’s time to settle into our new life here, and I’m not looking forward to it.

“Were the kids any trouble?” I ask Ms. Norfolk. Millie seems to be more winded today.

“No, they were perfect angels. I’m only tired due to my age.”

“Mom won’t be back for a few weeks. If you need me to find someone else, I can.”

“No, honey. The boys are no problem. They’re helping me with the garden.”

“Mommy, come look at the pretty flowers we planted.” Nick’s bubbly joy relaxes me. They do love it here.

“Sure, sweetie. We’ll take a look as we go home.” Anything to deter me from the task hanging over my head. I turn to my neighbor. “Thanks again.”

After looking at the rows of chrysanthemums and asters outlined by summer phlox, I can see why Ms. Norfolk was tired. The kids and she planted quite a bit.

“When these flowers bloom, there will be a rainbow of purples,” Nick says, eyes vibrant.

“I can’t wait to see.” I open the front door and step aside as theypile in. “If you want to play video games until supper, that’s fine. I want to dig through the boxes and pull out some décor. The house seems bare.”

Liam gives me a side-eyed glance. “You sure, Mom?”

The corners of my lips pull into a smile. I don’t know what I did to deserve this kid, but he always looks out for me.

“I’m okay. I’ll throw in a pizza for supper.”

“Okay.” He nods and heads over to the game console. After setting the stove’s timer, I stalk to my bedroom, ready to tackle the daunting task of unpacking.

I can do this.

I repeat this mantra, but all bravado dies when I step through the door and spy the moving boxes. It takes everything I have to march to the one package that’s been holding me hostage. I pull the small box out and run my hands along the edges. Part of me wants to put it back and hide it away with the other boxes I have no intention of opening today. But the rational side tells me I need to face this. I can’t move forward until I face reality. The reality that all that’s left of my husband fits inside this little box feels like a cruel joke. I can still hear his laugh in the kitchen when he tried to teach me how to cook scrambled eggs without burning them, the way his hands felt warm and steady on my shoulders when he’d return home. Those moments are gone, reduced to this box, and its weight feels unbearable.

I suck in a breath and take the box cutter to the tape. My heart pounds as my fingers trace along the flaps and open them. A square piece of red felt sits on top, wrapped by a gold thread. I don’t have to unwind the ribbon to know what it contains, but my gargled gasp is automatic when I reveal Ethan’s wedding band. I pick up the ring and run it between my fingers as the threatening tears spill over.Oh, God, give me strength.

Why Ethan? Why did this happen? We were supposed to have one last scene together—one more act. I close my eyes, holding the ring close to my heart. We never got to carry out our final plan.

I return his ring in the box and riffle through theremaining items. His cell phone, which I’m sure has been wiped clean. A lighter that puzzles me since Ethan never smoked. A picture of the kids I sent last year. I freeze when I spot a folded piece of paper at the bottom. I pick it up, confused at seeing my name scrawled across the top.No, no, no.This can’t be what I think it is.

We watched a chick flick once. I had to make him. He loathed watching romance movies, but this particular movie had a few action-packed scenes, and the main character was in the army, so he complied. In one scene, the soldier wrote a last letter to his wife. Ethan scoffed and said that doesn’t happen in real life. I can still hear his words. “Not only is it a pussified thing to do, but it’s considered bad juju.” He ruined everything.

As I stare at the letter, I wonder if he wrote these before every mission or just this particular one. I clutch the paper tighter, unable to read his last words as the guilt burrows deeper. God, I wish I loved him more.

“Mom, I forgot to tell you I found out when soccer sign-ups are.” Liam comes barreling into the room. I shove the letter into the small box and blink the wetness away.

“Yeah?” My voice cracks. I clear my throat. I can’t believe I dropped the ball on finding that out. “When are they?”

“This Saturday at the park. Some guy stopped by Ms. Norfolk’s house and told me. Can you sign me up?”

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