Page 134 of Dagger

I cocked my head.

Gold met green, and my heart fluttered.

“I wish I’d taken you to San Diego with me and left the club behind,” John rasped. “I should’ve married you the day you turned eighteen and made you mine in the eyes of the law and God. We could’ve had the life we were meant to have, instead ofdrifting the way we did. I had everything that meant anything, and I lost it in the blink of an eye because I was too young and cocky to realize that if I wanted you, others would too. The day I left you, I ended us; it wasn’t Robert, it was me, and I’m sorry, baby.”

Tears sprang to my eyes, and a sudden surge of emotion exploded inside my chest. I’d been dead inside for so long that at times like these, when I felt everything, it made me ache.

“Bandit would’ve had a conniption.” I smiled.

John gently pulled his hand away from mine and sipped his coffee, staring at me over the rim. “Would you have cared?”

“Probably not at first,” I admitted. “But I made peace with your dad, John. Maybe it’s time you did, too.”

“You’re a lot more forgiving of that old coot than he was of you, Leesy,” he muttered, placing his mug back on the table. “Though, if it’s any consolation, I think when Adele showed up, Pop would’ve done anythin’ to have you walk back into my life.”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t tell me he didn’t like her, either.”

John laughed softly. “He thought she was a crazy hippie chick who had her head in the clouds.”

My thoughts went back to the day I met her in the coffee shop, when she plonked Cash in my lap. “Adele was more astute than any of you gave her credit for.”

John smiled. “It’s good to see you talk about her fondly, even after everything.”

I shrugged. “Adele was never the problem, John. I get what happened between you. When you told me you needed comfort, and she was there, I realized I went through the same thing.”

“With that guy in Denver?” he muttered.

I nodded. “Does it bother you?”

John’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he visibly gulped. “Yeah, but at the same time, I’m glad you got somethin’ you needed. God knows you’d been starved of affection for years. I don’t like theidea of you being with anyone, but at the same time, I know sex doesn’t always equate to love. It can mean different things to different people. Maybe growin’ up and seeing meaningless sex in the club gave me a different perspective. It can be intimate and bring people closer, but it’s not always like that.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

Our eyes locked, and my stomach gave a little pull toward him.

It was still there, that feeling he gave me; maybe it never went away; perhaps I just learned to ignore it over the years, or maybe I conditioned myself not to feel it because it hurt too much.

I’d been so cold, physically and emotionally, because I was so fucking heartbroken. It was easier and kinder to shut down because the pain was too much. But the ice inside my heart had melted without me even realizing it during the weeks I’d been here.

One day, I woke up, and I was warm.

Looking back, it was easy to see how it happened, even though, at the time, I didn’t notice myself changing. Kids, laughter, sisterhood, family, friendship, and babies. They were all instrumental in thawing out my emotions.

How could all that beautynotaffect me when it meant everything?

And it was John who gave me what I needed when I needed it the most.

“Can I ask you something?” I inquired softly.

One side of his mouth hitched. “Seems it’s the night for revelations, baby. Ask away.”

I picked up my cup and took a mouthful of my now tepid hot chocolate, gearing myself up to ask the question I wasn’t totally sure I wanted the answer to.

Pulling my shoulders back, I braced. “Why didn’t you come for me when Adele left? You must’ve seen how unhappy I was.”

John’s eyes flicked between mine briefly. “Honestly, I don’t know. I remember tossing and turning in bed for nights on end, wrestling with it. At first, it felt disloyal to Adele, though now I know she’d always planned for us to make another go of it. Then the trouble started with Junior and the sexual assaults, and I think I wanted to keep you away from danger, not knowing you were in the thick of it all along. Every time I called you to meet up, I was desperate to see you and make sure you were okay, but you were so distant with me, Leesy. I didn’t know if you’d be receptive to leaving your marriage. Maybe it was self-preservation and the fear of getting shredded again.”

I cleared my burning throat and swallowed down the tears threatening to fall.

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