Page 45 of The Drummer's Heart

Atticus

Staring at the screen, I felt empty, certainly not strong enough to read another one. Each of those missed emails hurt me more than the last. The only solace was knowing they’d been written far in the past and that instead of being in the state he was when he’d written that, Atticus was currently okay and setting up his drums in the garage.

Shutting the laptop, I busied myself cleaning the kitchen, all the while ruminating about that email and what I may or may not have admitted to him in my sleep last night.

A half-hour later, the sound of drumming rang out in the distance. I shut my eyes for a moment, appreciating the nostalgia of hearing Atticus practice. It had been so long since I’d heard that sound.

It was no surprise that Mimi heard it, too, though, since it was louder than he probably realized.

“What’s that racket?” she asked when I entered her room.

“Atticus just had a drum set delivered. He’s taking full advantage of you being awake this morning.”

“Well, that’s one way for him to get out his frustrations.”

“Is it bothering you? I can tell him to stop.”

“No, no. It’s nice to have something to focus on besides the thoughts racing in my head. I sort of like the noise.”

“What have you been thinking about?” I sat by her bedside. “Are you okay?”

“Well, you know, when you get to be my age and close to the end, you have all sorts of crazy thoughts. We don’t know whether we’ll wake up from one sleep to the next. Every sunrise is a miracle. And every night, all we can hope is that we’ve finished the day with some peace in our hearts. Just in case it’s the last time.”

“Do you feel a sense of peace right now?”

Mimi nodded. “I think I do, yes. My daughter and granddaughter are settled. Your uncles and cousins, too. It’s really you and your mom I would worry about. As for me, I’ve lived. I’ve loved. I don’t want to leave this Earth, but I’ve had the privilege of living far beyond the age of most. At some point, I have to say goodbye and move onto whatever’s next. Can’t be here forever, as much as I’d want to be for you, honey.”

“Well, I hope we have you for many more sleeps to come. I don’t ever want to lose you. I’ll never be ready for that day.”

She turned her head slowly toward me. “Can I give you some advice?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t fight with your husband.”

Uh-oh.

Last night.

Were we too loud?

I was pretty sure Atticus and I had been whispering behind that closed bedroom door last night, but you never know.

“Did you hear us fighting?”

“Yes.”

My stomach dropped. “Did you hear what we were fighting about?”

“No. Couldn’t make it out, but like I’ve told you, I sense that things are not right with you two, even if I don’t know exactly what’s going on. Life is too short to spend your time bickering, you know. You should be making love, laughing, doing all the wonderful things youth allows. If I could have just one day back with your grandfather, the last thing I’d be doing is arguing with him.”

I felt like such a fraud for making Mimi believe I was settled in life, but it was more important that she die in peace than anything else. It was more important than my own sanity, apparently.

I nodded. “Thank you for the reminder of what’s important. I’ll take it to heart.”

After I left Mimi’s room, I wanted to peek in on Atticus practicing. Before opening the door to the garage, I leaned my back against it, closed my eyes, and let the beats vibrate through me, Atticus’s passion consuming me more and more with every strike. Echoing through my bones. Through my soul. How I’d missed listening to him play. Suddenly, I was sixteen again, enthralled by my cousin’s older friend.

I lost track of how long I stayed there in that spot against the door. When the drumming abruptly stopped, I nearly fell back as the door opened behind me.

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