Page 25 of The Drummer's Heart

“Thank you.”

He reached for his keys. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Where are you going?”

“Mimi needs a few things from the store. You need anything while I’m out?”

Actually, I did. I’d gotten my period this morning. That might’ve explained my heightened reaction to his boner earlier. My hormones were going crazy.

“Tampons?” I said.

He nodded. “Okay.”

“Do you need to know which kind?”

“I remember.”

That surprised me. “You do?”

“Yeah. I remember everything.” He took a deep breath. “I wish I didn’t.”

Yeah. Boy, do I get that.

***

While Atticus was out at the store, I logged into my old email account. Ever since he’d mentioned emailing me over the years, I’d been debating whether to go in and see if the messages were there.

After a couple of security steps to regain access, I searched his name in my inbox and sure enough, up popped several unread emails from him. After sorting the messages by date, I decided to start with the oldest one, the first he’d sent after our breakup.

Nicole,

I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from today. But it’s your birthday, and I can’t let it go by without saying something.

It’s the first time you’ve had a birthday since we stopped talking, and I’m having a hard time with this. I can’t tell you how many times today I’ve felt like I should be doing something—buying flowers, ordering a cake, shopping for jewelry. I now realize those little things were such a privilege. Loving you freely was a privilege and the greatest experience of my life.

What happened doesn’t change the fact that I love you. It doesn’t change the fact that your birthday will always be one of the most important days of my life because it was the day you came into this world. Not being your husband anymore doesn’t change the fact that I love you, but it does change how I’m able to express that love. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go. That’s especially the case when you know your presence in their life will only cause them pain.

It hurts.

It hurts so fucking much to not be able to celebrate with you today. But when you told me it would be better for you if we didn’t see each other anymore, I took that seriously. You asked me not to call or come by. And I’ve tried to respect your wishes, which is why I’m writing this email. It’s my compromise.

It pains me to think that your smile is dimmer this year because of me. Hurting you so profoundly made me wish I’d never existed. Some days I fantasize about not being here. It would be so much easier. Please don’t take that to mean that I would ever hurt myself. I couldn’t do that to my family or you. Because I know, after everything, that you still love me, and that if anything ever happened to me, you’d be devastated. So I have to be strong. I still have a lot to live for.

My greatest wish is to see your beautiful smile directed toward me again someday. I’ll take it even if we’re old and gray, and that’s the last thing I see before I leave this Earth.

Sorry this message has taken an ominous turn. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I hope whatever you’re doing today, you take time to celebrate yourself and appreciate the wonderful woman you’ve become, one I’m so proud of.

I’ll light a candle in your honor tonight and make a wish that someday you can forgive me for letting you down.

Always lost without you,

Atticus

***

I was out back doing yard work when Atticus returned from the store. I’d heard his car pull into the driveway.

A few minutes later, when I walked through the side door into the kitchen, he was nowhere to be found. But he’d left the bag of tampons on the counter. Except when I opened the bag, it wasn’t just tampons inside. He’d also bought my favorite candy: Rocher chocolates and Sour Patch Kids. He knew I craved sugar when I was on my period. The gesture nearly made me cry because it was the nonverbal version ofI love you. And it didn’t take much to make me emotional lately.

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