Page 75 of Lock Me Out

“Let’s leave all the bad stuff behind.” Kneeling next to Nix, I watch as Mom looks at me, then back at him. Tears fill her eyes, but I know they come from happiness. I know because I understand the feeling. Just the idea of never coming back to this town, never seeing places where I have memories of my father, is good enough for me.

Leni stands behind us, one hand on each of our shoulders, and I get the feeling life is never going to get more perfect than this. Everyone who matters, all together, nothing but the future ahead of us.

32

LENI

“I do wishwe had been able to spend more time together.” Dr. Miller looks like she actually means it, putting her notes aside with a sigh. “But it makes sense that you would want to move on and make a fresh start. Do you feel like you’re ready for that?”

Right away, I want to fire off a quick response—yes, of course I am. I’m ready to put everything behind me all at once and never look back.

And that is true. But it would be an empty answer, in a way. The kind of answer that makes people raise their eyebrows and purse their lips and keep their thoughts to themselves because they don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you you’re delusional.

“It’s time for something new,” I reply. “I’m looking forward to living somewhere where there aren’t any ugly memories. I want to make some good memories now. And I don’t want to be the girl whose mom died in an explosion.”

“That’s only natural. You’re a young woman. You have so much ahead of you. It will be good to start again.” Then she pauses, because of course she does. It’s her job to look at both sides ofthe situation. “And you’re secure in this arrangement you have with these two men in your life?”

That is still an easy question to answer on the surface, but just like the first question, she’ll want to dig deeper. I might as well give her the full answer she’s looking for. “I know it’s unconventional. I know it won’t be easy all the time—it’s not easy with one of them alone, much less two of them at the same time. They’re both stubborn and super protective and competitive. But… I don’t know. Together, we make sense.”

“How so, do you think?”

“It’s tough to put into words. It’s like they balance each other out. They have this shorthand they can use. Sometimes, they don’t even need to speak out loud—they just understand each other. If one of them is acting like a jerk, the other one calls him on it. If anything, it sort of makes my life easier.”

She chuckles softly. “Twice the help around the house, too.”

“That’s true.”

Her smile fades before she asks, “What about the other things we’ve discussed? This darkness you’ve mentioned—is that something you’re sure you can handle? Because—and this is my role as your therapist to remind you—you’re leaving behind everything you’ve ever known and moving to a new state with these two. A pair of men whose darkness has frightened you in the past. Are you sure you’re secure in this?”

Part of me wishes I hadn’t been quite so honest with her, but it’s really not my problem whether or not she believes me. All I can do is tell the truth.

“Yes, definitely. It’s not going to happen overnight, but they’re both learning to control it. They were just as affected by their life in that house as I was—only they had years and years of it.”

“It could be they would both benefit from therapy. Maybe you should suggest it to them. It’ll be a lot easier than trying to do it all on their own.”

It’s not a bad idea, and if I thought they would listen, I would suggest it. Maybe I’ll ask them to do it for me, since they would never come up with the idea otherwise. It’s fine to encourage me to get help, but for them? They’ve come a long way on a lot of things, but there’s still a long way to go. “What’s most important to me, though, is that they know I love them no matter what.”

“Both of them? You can say that now?”

“Yes.” That one I don’t need to explain. I know it’s true. I just needed to give myself permission to say it. I had to remember it doesn’t matter what the world thinks. The world doesn’t come home with us. The world isn’t in our bed or our kitchen in the morning. The world doesn’t know how they make me laugh. How safe I feel when I’m with them. Safe to be me.

“I wish you the best of luck, Leni.” Before I leave the office for the last time, she places her hands on my shoulders and holds me in place in front of her. “It’s time for you to rewrite your story. You’re strong enough. You have the tools you need. Now use them.”

“I will. Thank you.”

I carry her kind words in my heart as I leave the building, stopping for a second to let the last of today’s sunlight warm my face. A deep breath of fresh air fills me with hope.

And a light tapping of a horn makes me smile. Always so impatient, both of them.

Jogging across the street, I shake my head the whole way. “What, did you think I forgot you were here?” I ask Colt, leaning over to kiss his cheek while Nix snickers from the backseat.

“I told him you were, like, having a girl moment or something.” When I stick my tongue out, he laughs. “I was waiting for you to close your eyes and spin in a circle with your arms stretched out.”

“Maybe that’s what I would have done if I wasn’t interrupted.” After nudging Colt with my elbow, I buckle in, and he pulls out onto the street. This is another area I won’t be sorry to never see again. I don’t ever want to look at the place where Dennis drugged me. That’s in the past.

Like Dr. Miller said, I’m writing a new story now—one that involves packing boxes and tape and conversations about downsizing and decluttering and how there’s no way two people should have so much stuff. Wrapping every plate and glass, asking myself if we can just leave everything in the apartment and buy new things after we move. Somehow, it all got done without more than a few arguments.

But there’s one more thing I have to do before we leave tomorrow.

---