Page 76 of Lock Me Out

My heart gets a little heavier the closer we come to the cemetery. I know Mom isn’t here—not really. Her spirit is all around me. If I want to talk to her, all I have to do is talk. It doesn’t matter where I am.

But there’s still something sad and emotional about leaving the place where she’s buried. We are the only people who will knowwho she was. That she was a person. That she existed, and she was real. That she had a hard life with a lot of rough breaks. That, she honestly thought, at least in the final months of her life, she had finally made it. That all of her worries were over.

She never knew, until it was too late, exactly what she had found in James. That new beginning was what led to her ending.

For years to come, people will walk past her headstone and know nothing about the woman the words etched in marble represent. I hate the thought, but I guess that’s what happens to all of us. Just another part of life.

“Go ahead,” Colt murmurs once we park in the familiar area we have visited so many times. “We can wait here so you can have some privacy.”

Taking the bouquet of roses from Nix’s hands, I set off for the grave. The last bouquet I left is long gone, a handful of weeds in its place. I get on my knees without thinking about it and pull them, knowing I’m doing it for the last time.

Who will do it when I’m gone?

“Hi, Mom,” I whisper. “I’m sorry to say goodbye like this. I know this is stupid, but I feel like I’m leaving you all alone. I have to believe you wouldn’t want me to stay here just so I can pick dandelions off your grave. You would want me to have a fresh start, right? Isn’t that what you would want for me?”

I hate how much I wish she could answer. I wish there was more than the whistling of the wind through the trees as a response.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I murmur, “I know you could never have imagined things turning out this way. Me being with Colt and Nix—that’s not how it was supposedto be. But none of it has been the way it was supposed to be. And I guess if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t really predict life. It’s going to do what it wants to do. All we can do is try to grow and learn and adapt. I’m trying to do that now. I want to make the best of my life. And even though James hurt me so much, he brought me his sons, and they make me happy. They really do.”

Sudden footsteps nearby make my head snap around while my heart lurches, then takes off at a sickening speed—until I see it’s only the two of them. With a hand on my chest, I whisper, “I didn’t think you were joining me.”

“There was something I thought I had to say.” Nix steps up to the foot of the grave. I watch as his eyes move, taking in the name and the dates under it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to die that day. I wasn’t thinking. I hope wherever you are, if you can hear me, you can forgive me.”

Looking down at me, he adds, “I want you to know Leni is in good hands. I’m going to do whatever it takes for the rest of my life to watch over her for you. That’s all I can give you now, and I hope it’s enough.”

“I think it is,” I tell him, smiling as I stand, wrapping my arms around his waist and touching my head to his shoulder. He releases a shuddering breath that I think holds sadness and relief at the same time. I don’t want him to spend the rest of his life blaming himself.

“We’ll both take care of her,” Colt agrees, and I put an arm around him with the other still around Nix. I’m going to need to lean on both of them, just like they lean on me. That’s what it’s all about.

A warm breeze washes over me, and I smile, hoping this is Mom’s way of saying she understands—and that it’s time for all of us to move on together.

“It’s getting dark,” Colt murmurs, lowering his head until his lips press to my temple. “You ready?”

“Just about.”

They start back toward the car, giving me an extra moment to go to the headstone and run my hand over it one more time.

“I love you,” I whisper, closing my eyes, imagining her standing with me. “Thank you for everything you did for me. I hope you’re at peace now.”

A tear leaks out from under my lashes before my eyes open. Only one last thing to say once I back away.

“Goodbye,” I whisper.

And now it’s time to go.

Away from the past, which I leave behind me with every step I take toward the car.

Toward the men waiting for me inside.

Toward the future, which is mine to create.

EPILOGUE

Leni

One year later

Together,the three of us sing, “Happy birthday, dear Mom, happy birthday to you.”

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