Page 96 of Ink & Stardust

“Why would you ever think that?”

“Because it’s true.”

“Only it’s not. You may be a stubborn asshole sometimes, and yes, the way you are with women leaves a bit to be desired, but you are loyal and caring and you show up for the people you care about. So why can’t you show up for her? Why can’t you show up for Lyric the way you’ve shown up for me basically my entire life?”

“Because you’re like a sister to me. Being there for you is second nature.”

“And being there for the woman you love isn’t?”

“She deserves better than me.”

“Maybe she does. But you’re the one she loves. Despite everything she knew about you, she took a chance on you anyway. Despite all the trust issues and baggage she carries from her past relationship, she chose to open her heart to you, knowing there was a good chance you’d break it. So why can’t you do the same for her? If she means as much to you as I think she does, why are you making both of you suffer needlessly? Because you have some irrational fear that you’re unlovable?”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“But I do. I understand what it is to feel unworthy. To feel like every bad thing that’s ever happened is your fault. Or are you forgetting that I was supposed to be the one watching Lily when she died?”

Guilt kicks against my ribs. In all the years I’ve known Maisie and her family, the only person I’ve ever heard talk about Lily is Jackson, and that was only once when I asked about the little girl in a family photo one of the first times I visited their house. He told me a condensed version of what happened and to never bring it up in front of Maisie, which I never did.

“You were only five. It was unfair of anyone to ask you to watch a two-year-old in the bathtub.”

“You’re right, it was. And yet, I still carry the weight of what happened with me everywhere. It will always be a part of who I am, just like what happened to your mom will always be a part of you.”

I open my mouth to speak, not yet sure what words will come out, when she quickly continues.

“I know you blame yourself for the fire. I know you plugged in a projector after your mom went to bed and that you left it on. I know that’s where the fire started. But I also know that the wiring was faulty, and the fire didn’t startbecauseof you.”

“But it did, Maisie,” I’m quick to disagree. “Because my mom told me not to turn it on, and I did anyway. If I had just listened...”

“You were six. You weren’t any more at fault for your mom’s death than I was for Lily’s. I know firsthand that it’s not something you will ever outrun, but Kai, you have to find a way to live with it. You can’t keep pushing people away every time they get too close. I may not have known your mom, but I can’t imagine she’d want this for you. A life where you keep everyone at arm’s length. A life void of all the love and happiness that she’d want for you. Stop punishing yourself for what you lost and live for the one whose life was cut short. That’s what I try to do. I try to live my lifeforLily, not in spite of her.”

“Is that why even your closest friends don’t know about her?” I fire off, wishing I could take back the words the second they break the surface.

“You’re right. I keep what happened close to my chest, and maybe it’s because I do still bear the guilt of what happened and I’m scared of what people will think of me if they find out. Something I know you can relate to. The difference between you and me, though, is I don’t let the tragedy define me. And you shouldn’t either.”

“I don’t know how,” I finally admit after a brief moment of silence passes between us. “I don’t know how not to let it define me when I wear it like a fucking brand.” I jut out my arm to the scarred flesh I keep hidden beneath swirls of ink.

“You have to forgive yourself.” Maisie inches closer. “You have to stop sabotaging every chance you have at happiness because you don’t feel like you deserve it.” She lowers herself down onto the bed next to me. “I’m not saying that Lyric will be your forever, but sheisyour right now, and right now is all we get. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Do you really want your potential last day on this earth to be without her?”

“No.” My voice scratches across my throat like there are little rocks in it.

“Then stop wallowing in your own self-pity and do something about it.”

“And what if she won’t forgive me?”

“There’s not a chance she won’t. You forget I live with the girl. And if there’s anyone on this earth even half as pathetic as your sorry ass right now, it’s her. You may feel like you don’t deserve to be happy, but what about her? Don’t you think she’s been through enough heartbreak to last her a lifetime? Do you really want to be the reason why she suffers?”

She plays a hand she knows I can’t beat.

This entire time I’ve been so focused on my own shit; I blocked out what Lyric might be going through. I didn’t want to think about it because not thinking about it made it easier to stay away. The only problem is, the longer I’ve stayed away, the harder it’s gotten.

I thought watching her walk away that day would be the most difficult part, but I was wrong. The most difficult part has been every day that’s followed. Living without her, it’s like living in the dark. I’ve been trying like hell to feel my way through it, but Ifear I’ve only gotten myself more turned around. I know the only way out is her. Hell, I’ve known it since the day I met her.

“What do I do?” I tilt my face to look at Maisie.

“Well, for starters, you need to take a shower.” She crinkles her nose. “Because you stink.”

I lift my shirt and sniff, realizing she’s not wrong. Guess that’s what happens when you spend three hours in the gym taking your frustrations out on a punching bag.

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