Page 58 of Theirs

Arms wrapped around me, giving me warmth from all sides. I took a deep breath reveling in the peace that was slowly seeping into me. My breathing slowed, my emotions settled down and I thought of nothing except the safety I felt.

I jolted awake,feeling panic and something I couldn’t describe. My heart was racing as I looked around the room. It was too dark to see anything but when I looked on either side of me, Genevieve and Camila laid there.

A part of me relaxed, but another part of me felt ashamed and embarrassed. I took a deep breath, hoping to calm these foreign feelings. My memory of getting home was fuzzy and being in the shower was even foggier.

A hand laid on my back and I knew it was Genevieve. I wanted to hide in a hole, but I was a grown man, and I knewI needed to talk to her. Glancing behind my shoulder her hand was held out and I instantly turned to her.

We laid close together, our faces were so close as she laid a hand on my chest. She didn’t say anything, caressing my chest, then my arm and lastly my face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Her voice was soft.

“Not really,” I admitted. “I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s my fault, I knew something was wrong. I should have trusted my gut, and I failed you,” she said, her voice cracking on the last word. “This shouldn’t have happened and I’m so sorry, Luke.”

“Wait what are you talking about? I left because I wanted to.” Her apology didn’t make sense.

“You didn’t know better, I had my suspicion that you were experiencing a sub-drop, but you were so determined to leave that I chalked up my feelings to you being wary about the contract that I had suggested,” she said, anger lacing her tone. “I should have listened to my gut, I should have made you stay so you didn't have to experience that. I am so sorry, Luke, I didn’t take care of you.”

Sub-drop. I knew what it was, the literature she gave us in her class talked about it. If I remembered correctly, it was after an intense scene, but what we did wasn’t even remotely as hard as anything we had done before.

“I-I don’t understand,” I said, grabbing her hand. “I thought sub-drops were after intense scenes and happened immediately after.”

“You experienced a delayed reaction, and it sometimes happens, no matter the scene,” she said, squeezing my hand. “I expect it had to do with all of us in a scene and the news I gave you before we got started.”

“I don’t think?—”

“You don’t have to say anything about it. I understand, Luke.” She cupped my cheek. “I know I didn’t give you any warning and maybe doing a scene after our talk wasn’t smart, but I wanted to experience what I was offering you.”

I didn’t know what to say, but having her apologize for what happened didn’t sit right with me.

“It wasn’t just your fault,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I should have communicated better. I was feeling overwhelmed along with a lot of other feelings. Now that you said it’s a sub-drop, I recognize it, but it was much more intense.”

“I was irresponsible Luke, I’m so sorry,” she said, leaning forward and kissing my forehead. “I was trying to give you space and when Camila called in a panic, I knew I had failed you both.”

Her voice cracked on the last few words. Genevieve was always so put together, so in control that seeing her like this made my heart twinge. I pulled her close to me thinking we needed a break from our words. I squeezed her tightly thinking about what I was feeling and how I had failed to communicate too.

This relationship we had formed with Genevieve had been great. Camila and I had been even better. It felt like us doing this had brought us closer together, like we had never been before. Along with going to therapy, we had transformed our relationship to something I was really proud of.

Until now, I thought what we were doing was just casual, but this contract she spoke of had triggered something in me. I knew on paper it was just stating different parameters and what we defined as our wants and desires, but I didn’t know if it was going to stay like that.

What if we wanted more? What if Camila and I wanted different things after the contract was over? What if we fell in love with her? Could we handle losing her? All these questionsclouded my head as the time went by. Sleep evaded me as my brain thought of every possible bad scenario.

I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but the sun was filtering into the room and if I had to guess, it was the afternoon. The bed was empty, no longer warm from their bodies. Getting up slowly, I took inventory of my body. I no longer felt sluggish, my emotions seemed fine, and my breathing was normal.

Genevieve’s apology came to mind as I got up and threw a shirt on. She sounded vulnerable, something I wasn’t used to. It was out of character for her, and I wondered how she was feeling. I needed to speak to her because our conversation didn't sit well with me. I padded down the hallway to the kitchen. Some coffee was in order before I talked to Camila and Genevieve. We had a lot to discuss.

The kitchen was empty when I walked in. Disappointment hit me when they weren’t here, and I had known the chance of Genevieve being here was slim. I made myself a coffee and once the smell hit my senses, I knew I needed something to eat too. While my coffee percolated, I grabbed a bagel, cut it open and slathered cream cheese on it.

The silence in the house was unnerving, allowing my mind to ponder crazy ideas and the more I stewed on the contract, the more certain I was with my decision. After eating and drinking my coffee I searched for Camila who was listening to music in her office/workroom.

She had her headphones on as she was cutting fabric. Her back was to me as I took an uninterrupted moment to enjoy her. Camila was my everything. Without her I don’t know how I would ever survive. She had taught me so much and loved me through our darkest days. Life without Camila would be like never smiling ever again.

She gave me a reason to keep living, to keep making myself a better man and to see the true beauty of the world. WithoutCamila, I wouldn’t have chased my dreams of playing football or chasing my ultimate dream…her.

I knew without a doubt what I needed to do. As much as a piece of me didn’t like it and I wanted to speak to Genevieve, I knew we had to say no to the contract. I couldn’t put my needs first because Camila always came first.

19

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