Page 113 of Devoted

I wished I could argue back, but the confusion on the faces surrounding me made me think my OCD might be right.

I’d fucked this up. Just as expected.

“It’s totally fine,” Noah said breezily, but there was a tightness around his mouth that hadn’t been there a few moments ago. “Here, you can do it.”

My hands were shaking as I accepted the dustpan and brush from Noah. His frown deepened as his gaze lingered on them, then darted up to my face.

I couldn’t stand it. All of them were watching me, silently. It was almost as bad as the oppressive noise that had been ripping at me earlier.

Trying to ignore them, I swept up the glass with hurried movements. Sweat poured down my back as my hands shook harder.It’s okay. It’s just glass.

‘Glass that’s getting embedded in your skin without you noticing. It’ll get infected and you’ll die.’

I tried to swallow as I tipped the glass into the bin. It had a touch lid. It left a burning sensation on my hand. Fuck, when would this stop?

The distant, rational part of my mind tried desperately to stop the impending wreck.

Excuse yourself.

Wash your hands.

Get rid of your clothes.

Was it the rational part? Or was it compulsions?

I was past the point of being able to separate the two.

“There. All sorted. Sorry about that.”

I cringed at myself, at the flat tone that coated every word. From the expressions on Rami’s and Noah’s faces, they hadn’t bought it either.

‘Your throat is closing. Get on the floor. Lie down before you faint.’

Again, I didn’t know which part of my brain was speaking, but I knew I had to do it. An attack was coming and I was helpless to stop it. My throat felt like it was trapped in a vice, each breath harder to drag in. “I think I’m going to?—”

Rami stepped forwards, his hands raised palm up in front of me. “Sam, are you feeling okay?”

“Of course,” I lied “I just need to…”

I might’ve got away with it. I might’ve been able to escape, to fall apart in private.

But then Theo reached for the discarded ladle. I watched in horror as he spooned up a generous helping of paella and dropped it onto his plate.

‘It’s contaminated. It’s got glass in. He’ll die and it’ll all be your fault.’

“You can’t eat that,” I blurted out, trying to hear over the roaring in my ears. “There might be glass in it.”

Theo looked at me, startled. “It’s fine. The glass didn’t get in it.”

“You can’t.” I tried to lunge forward, but the floor moved under my feet, making me stumble. “It’s not safe. Please, don’t eat it.”

Rami’s hand touched my shoulder. My skin crawled. I was being trapped. Being held down. “Sam, I promise, the glass didn’t go near it.”

“He can’t eat it,” I said. Why weren’t any of them listening to me? The air was thick. It wasn’t going into my lungs. I looked back at Theo, struggling to see him through the black spots filling my vision. “Please don’t eat it, please.”

Shouts of alarm filled the kitchen as my knees gave way. I collapsed onto my side, gasping helplessly.No air.

‘You can’t breathe.’

---