Page 20 of Hook, Line and Single

‘I could adopt.’

‘Hard work on your own.’

‘Look,’ I tell her firmly, a little irritated now. ‘We’ve had this conversation thousands of times. I get that you feel you need a man to complete you, but I really don’t. If, and it’s a big if, I were to fall in love with someone, they’d need to bring something to my life that I couldn’t get any other way. Currently, I can’t see what that might be. I’m financially stable, I’ve got good friends and I’m sorted for sex. If I want cuddles, I’ve got Samson.’

Hearing his name, Samson opens his eyes, purrs loudly and stretches out his paw, digging his claws into my thigh and making me wince.

‘I can see how much you’re enjoying that,’ Sam says with a smile. ‘And I know you think you’re some poster girl for the single life, with your “There’s nothing a man can give me that a decent vibrator can’t” anthem, but that’s not sex. It’s like waving a chicken nugget around and trying to convince everyone it’s a banquet fit for a king.’

‘What?’

‘It’s true. If you look on the side of a packet of chicken nuggets, there’s usually something in the ingredients list about “mechanically recovered meat”. Do you know what that is?’

‘Do I need to? Is it relevant here?’

‘As a matter of fact, I think it’s a perfect illustration. So, after they’ve chopped all the good meat off the chicken, they’re left with a carcass and all the gristly bits that you wouldn’t normally eat. They lob all of that into a big machine, which crushes it and extrudes it and basically spits out this revolting chicken paste – the euphemistically labelled mechanically recovered meat – which then goes into your nugget. That’s what you’ve got, mechanically recovered sex. It looks like sex, it might even feel a bit like sex, but it’s not a patch on the real thing.’

‘OK, I don’t think it is a good illustration but, if we’re going to use it, I’d argue that chicken nuggets are still food. They fill you up in the same way that a meal in a Michelin-starred restaurant would, but with a lot less faff and at a fraction of the price. Actually, I like this analogy.’

‘But you can’t live on chicken nuggets. They’re all right as a stop gap, when you just need fuel, but you’d get ill if that was all you ate.’

‘I wouldn’t get food poisoning though,’ I counter, pleased with myself. ‘Have you ever met Jono’s friend Laurent?’

‘Is he the IT guy?’

‘That’s him. I think Jono was quite interested in him for a while before Robbie came on the scene. Anyway, we were talking about food, because he travels a lot with his work and, being French, I thought he’d be into trying all the local cuisines. Do you know what he said?’

‘No.’

‘He said that he almost exclusively eats in McDonald’s when he’s travelling, because he knows it will be consistent and not make him ill. So, you might look down on my chicken nugget sex, as you put it, but at least I’m not going to get sexual food poisoning from some dodgy bloke like Jason or Threesome Pete.’

‘Are you seriously equating my sex life to eating dodgy street food?’

‘If the cap fits.’

I can see the concentration on her face as she frantically tries to think of a comeback, but in the end she sighs.

‘It’s a fair cop,’ she agrees. ‘Jason was definitely not Michelin starred in the sex department.’

‘What did you see in him?’

‘He’s not bad looking, and he could be quite funny.’

‘How do you define “not bad looking”?’ I ask with a laugh.

‘He’s got a nice smile, with decent teeth behind it. His personal hygiene was good too.’

‘Hey, guys,’ I mock-call. ‘Meet my friend Sam. If you’ve got all your own teeth and don’t smell like a bin, she’s probably interested.’

‘Sassy,’ she says suddenly.

‘What?’

‘That’s the word I’d use to describe you. Dark haired, beautiful, great rack, sassy as shit.’

‘Hmm. I think I prefer “kind and loyal”.’

‘I’m not sure the way you’ve just come for me is particularly kind or loyal.’

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