Page 19 of Hook, Line and Single

‘You’re overstating my looks, and it’s a bit shallow, isn’t it? It doesn’t say anything about me as a person.’

‘Gets your attention though, doesn’t it? If I was a man, I’d read that and immediately want to find out more.’

‘If Threesome Pete read that, he’d go straight to sending a dick pic. How did you describe yourself before?’

‘Auburn-haired stunner,’ she admits with a giggle.

‘Hmm. A bit tabloid, if you ask me. Did you include topless photos?’

‘Of course not. What kind of person do you think I am?’

‘An auburn-haired stunner,’ I say, laughing. ‘At least tell me you put in your measurements.’ I put on a lecherous tone. ‘Auburn-haired stunner Sam, 36, 28, 36, is waiting for your call on 0800 DIAL-A-DATE.’

‘Stop it,’ she says. ‘It’s not that bad.’

‘It really is. Surely if all you describe are your visual assets, you’re going to attract the kind of man who’s only interested in the superficial. A proper man would be much more interested in you as a person.’

‘What would Ryan Gosling do?’

‘Oh, he’d read that I was kind, trustworthy and loyal and contact me immediately.’

‘What if you looked like the back end of a bus though?’

‘Ryan would see beyond mere looks.’

‘I don’t think he would. Can you imagine? There he is, all glamorous and amazing on the red carpet, with some moose next to him?’

‘Thanks a lot!’

‘I don’t mean you, obviously. You’re a gorgeous dark-haired beauty, as I’ve already said. Ryan would read your profile, but he’d also look at the pictures, andthenhe’d be straight in touch.’

‘Sadly, I don’t think Ryan Gosling is in need of dating apps. If he were, I might consider signing up.’

‘We’re in danger of getting off topic. What other words would you use to describe yourself?’

I think for a minute. ‘Independent and intelligent.’

She smacks her forehead. ‘No wonder you’re single. Those aren’t attributes any man wants in a partner!’

‘Why not? This is the twenty-first century; surely we’ve moved beyond the days where I’m expected to be completely dependent on some emotional neanderthal who only says five words per day but is miraculously always there to catch me in his strong arms when I faint.’

‘Tell that to the guys.’

‘OK. Serious question. Are you ready?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why do you put yourself through it? What’s in it for you?’

‘Love, obviously.’

‘But, not to put too fine a point on it, I’m not seeing love happen for you. What I see is a series of hopeless chancers who promise you the world and spectacularly fail to deliver.’

‘You’ve got to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince. What’s your plan then? Surely you don’t intend to stay single forever.’

‘I haven’t ruled out the possibility.’

‘What about children, though? I know you want them.’

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