Page 16 of Hook, Line and Single

‘I’d love it, you’re right, but Robbie isn’t really one for lying around in the sun, as you know. He prefers those retreat places where you go to drink kale smoothies and realign your chakras. I love him to bits, but I don’t think we’ll ever agree on holidays. Anyway, this isn’t about me, it’s about you. Explain the cruise idea to me, because I’m not getting it.’

‘Neither did I to begin with,’ I admit. ‘But I’m being open minded. Hopefully it won’t be “generation zimmer” as you put it because, according to Sam, who got it from her cruise expert colleague at work, Scandia Cruises attract a younger demographic than the traditional cruise market.’

He laughs. ‘Just one foot in the grave instead of both then. I’ve never heard of Scandia. Who are they?’

‘I’ll show you. Hang on.’ I launch the browser on the shop computer and bring up the Scandia Cruises website, scrolling down until I reach the promotional text. ‘Look,’ I tell him.

He positions himself in front of the screen and twiddles his moustache thoughtfully as he begins to read aloud.

‘Leave the world behind you with Scandia Cruises. Our state-of-the-art fleet is among the youngest currently in service, and our ships have been specifically designed to make life on board as comfortable for our guests as possible.So far, so sales flannelly. Where’s the nitty gritty? I want to see the cabins. Ah, here we go.Our inboard Club Class cabins may be our entry-level accommodation, but there’s nothing basic about them. Boasting a generous and class-leading 250 square feet, they include ample storage space, a luxurious bathroom and full set of amenities. You won’t even miss that outside view, as it’s available on your wall-mounted TV screen. Upgrade to Captain Class, and you’ll have all this plus a choice of porthole or oceanview window (supplement applies).’ He studies the pictures. ‘They both look pretty poky, if you ask me. What are you?’

‘Commodore Class.’

He looks back at the screen, scrolls down a little and continues to read. ‘In our luxurious Commodore Class cabins you will not only enjoy unparalleled views from your own private veranda, but you will also have exclusive access to the Commodore Class dining room (supplement applies). If you’re travelling with a family, our Commodore Class suites give you even more space, with a separate sitting area and a PlayStation with a selection of games (supplement applies).I’ll admit that these cabins look nice, but is there anything that doesn’t come with a supplement?’

‘From the way Sam explained it, the basics are all included but you pay for the luxuries. So there’s an all-day buffet restaurant, where you can eat as much as you like and not pay a penny, but if you want a massage or to go to one of the à la carte restaurants, for example, all of that is extra.’

‘Could get pricey. What about booze?’

‘Extra, but Sam says we get some credit thrown in because of our cabin class, so hopefully we won’t have to pay any more if we’re careful.’

‘Sod that! If I’m going on holiday, the last thing I want is to have my drinks rationed.’

‘They aren’t rationed, and you could buy a drinks package which gives you a certain amount included every day, but Sam says that’s not very good value for money and, as neither of us are heavy drinkers, we’re going to see how far our credit will stretch. According to her colleague, you can land up with a bill of thousands if you overdo it.’

‘You’re really not selling it, Ruby,’ Jono tells me.

‘That’s because we’ve already established that your idea of a good time is lying by the beach with a funnel in your mouth for them to pour the free booze into.’

‘What’s wrong with that?’

‘Nothing, but this is a different type of holiday, don’t you see? Yes, a week on the beach is nice, but this is more about culture. Look at all the places we’re going to stop, and we’ve got the whole day to explore each one. Then, once we’re all cultured out, we can relax by the pool or on our private verandas until dinner. The ship sails to the next port while we’re asleep, and we wake up ready to explore a new place. I’ll admit that I wasn’t that impressed when Sam first told me about it, but the idea has definitely grown on me.’

‘Hm. That does sound a bit more promising. I still worry you’re going to be surrounded by old people though. Did you know, there are people who live on cruise ships because they’re actually cheaper than care homes?’

‘Scandia Cruises is aimed at the thirty-to-fifty age bracket. I read that somewhere on the website.’

‘They say that because it makes them seem young and cool, but you’re still two years below the bottom of the target demographic, and I reckon most of the passengers will be at least ten years older than the top.’

‘Does it matter?’ I ask a little crossly. ‘They could all be a hundred and three, and I’m sure Sam and I would still manage to have a good time. You know, rather than picking holes in it, you could just say, “Have a lovely holiday.”’

‘Sorry.’ He does look genuinely contrite and I can feel my irritation melting away.

‘Look. I know it’s unusual, but Sam can’t really do your type of holiday because she’d burn to a crisp in the first five minutes, and lots of people rave about cruises. It’ll be an experience, if nothing else.’

‘I guess so. What about Fleabag over there, who’s going to look after him?’

‘If you mean Samson, the handsomest cat in Margate, the answer is my sister, Em. She’s also offered to help in the shop if you want so you’re not on your own.’

‘Absolutely. I love your sister. She’s like you only, you know, funnier.’

‘Thanks a lot!’

‘Relax, I’m winding you up.’

‘You haven’t done anything else so far today. Be nice to her, though, OK? I’m not sure she’s having a great time at the moment.’

‘Oh, why?’

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