Page 17 of Hook, Line and Single

‘Living with Mum and Dad, long-distance relationship, not sure what she’s going to do for a job, all the usual graduate angst.’

‘Don’t you worry. I’ll take good care of her.’

* * *

‘What on earth possessed you to book a cruise?’ Dad looks concerned. ‘I only hope you have better luck than us.’ He turns to Mum. ‘Do you remember that time we went to Santander, Margot? The whole ship reeked of diesel and chip fat, and I spent the entire night throwing up because it was so rough in the Bay of Biscay.’

‘That was a ferry, Dad, and you had an inside cabin. Cruise ships are very different,’ I explain. I’m starting to get a bit fed up with this. Can’t anyone just be happy for me?

‘Hmm. If you say so, love.’ Dad’s face is still dubious.

‘I think it sounds rather nice,’ Mum says, studying the itinerary I’ve printed off to show them. ‘I’d love to go to Barcelona and see the Sagrada Família, but your father’s always refused to take me.’

‘That’s because we’d be robbed blind before we even got within sight of it,’ Dad counters. ‘That whole area is notorious for pickpockets. I’d stay on the ship for that one, Ruby, if I were you. Same for Sicily. Everyone knows that’s a Mafia stronghold. I haven’t raised you to be fish food.’

‘You’re being a bit overdramatic, Dad,’ I tell him. ‘I think you have to have royally pissed off the Mafiosi before they come after you.’

‘Yes, but you never know what they might take offence at, do you? You could be in a coffee shop sipping on an espresso and remark innocently that it’s a bit weak. Unknown to you, the coffee shop is owned by Don Gangsteroni’s grandmother, and before you know it, you’re in his cellar having bits of you chopped off.’

Our conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Em.

‘What have I missed?’ she asks.

‘Dad was just telling me how I’m going to be chopped up and fed to the fish if I get off the cruise ship in Sicily.’

Em says nothing, but her eyes light up with mischief.

‘What?’ I ask her.

‘I was just wondering if that would necessarily be a bad thing,’ she says with a grin. ‘I mean, I’d miss you, but doesn’t everything of yours, including your flat, come to me if you die? Plus, I wouldn’t have to share my inheritance from Mum and Dad with you, so I’d be quids in.’

‘Don’t be inappropriate, Emerald,’ Mum scolds her. ‘You’d be devastated if anything happened to your sister and you know it.’

Em rolls her eyes. ‘I was joking, Mum. Who’s going to chop you up, Ruby?’

‘The Mafia, according to Dad. I’m going to upset them by being rude about the coffee.’

‘I’d ignore him,’ she confides. ‘He’s been watching another one of those crime syndicate series on Netflix, and he’s convinced it’s all real. You know what he’s like. This is why we don’t let him watchSnow White. Can you imagine the trouble we’d have unravelling that? He’d be on to the police to report the Queen for attempted murder.’

‘I am here, Emerald,’ Dad says crossly. ‘And I don’t think you’ll find that I have any difficulty separating fact from fiction, thank you. And, while I’m thinking about it, don’t be so sure there’s going to be an inheritance. Your mother and I might spend all our money on cruises, like Ruby.’

‘I’m going ononecruise!’

‘So you say,’ Em says. She’s evidently realised she’s pushed Dad as far as she can so now she’s turning her attention to me. ‘Maybe cruising is addictive, like gambling. You’ll do one, and before you know what’s happened, you’ll be cruising every year, with a different leathery lothario hanging off your arm each time.’

‘Where did the leathery lothario come from?’ I ask with a laugh. Unlike Mum and Dad, I can take Em’s humour without getting upset.

‘Every cruise has them. Predatory older men zoning in on vulnerable single women, flattering them and making them feel special, before disappearing over the horizon with their life savings.’

‘Never mind Dad and his Netflix, you’ve been reading too many gossip magazines,’ I tell her. ‘And they’re going to have slim pickings where I’m concerned. I don’t exactly have a huge pot of life savings.’

‘Watch out for them all the same,’ Mum cautions solemnly. ‘I’d hate for you to be a victim of some unscrupulous older man. I think you sometimes forget what an attractive woman you are, Ruby, and they’ll be circling like vultures. You and Sam need to stick close together. Are you sharing a cabin?’

‘No. We’re not teenagers, Mum. Everyone gets their own cabin.’

‘Shame. I’d feel better knowing that she was there with you.’

‘What exactly do you think is going to happen? The way you’re going on, it sounds like we’re going to be plunged into some sort of zombie apocalypse, where the men take one look at Sam and me, go into a trance, and we’ll be hiding under our beds while they try to break the door down to get to us. I think that’s unlikely, don’t you?’

---