Page 40 of Even if It Hurts

With a heavy exhale, she slowly crept into the kitchen and grabbed a plate. Her eyes darted between mine and the counter before she admitted, “I ordered a coffee and had a couple of Kaia’s puffs earlier.”

“You know you’re allowed to eat here,” I told her as I watched her grab a slice from the box.

She didn’t acknowledge my words, just turned for the small kitchen table.

“Lainey...” When she glanced at me from over her shoulder, I begged, “Eat my food. If I don’t have what you like, let me know. But if you’re gonna be here all day, you need to eat.”

“I will,” she said with a noncommittal shrug as she sank into one of the chairs.

And that small movement told me her not eating here had nothing to do with my food and had everything to do with how she’d already bought so much for Kaia and still refused to give me the receipt so I could reimburse her. Just as I had a feeling she would’ve never expected or let me pay her back for the décor.

I studied her for a second longer before grabbing a couple pieces and following her to the table.

“I’ve never eaten here,” I admitted as I dropped into the chair adjacent to her.

Surprise lit in her eyes before her brow furrowed as she quickly glanced around. “Wait, where do you eat?”

I gestured to the counter we’d just left. “Wherever I’m standing, usually. Sometimes in my office if I don’t have time to be away from things.”

She nodded absentmindedly as she stared at the island, but just as quickly as she drew in a breath to say something, she clamped her mouth shut instead.

“What?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Honesty,” I reminded her, prompting a self-deprecating laugh from her.

With a flippant roll of her eyes, she said, “It would be good for Kaia if you ate here with her.” Her blue eyes shifted to me for a fraction of a second before falling to her untouched food. “But that’s really not my place.”

I wanted to beg her to face me and stand up to me the way she had the other night. I wanted to go back and erase everything I’d said and done if it would take away the hesitation bleeding from her and this uncomfortable tension between us. I wanted her to smile in that way that managed to touch my ruined, numb heart in a way nothing ever had.

The realization rocked me.

I’d never cared about peoples’ feelings or how I came across to anyone. The less people wanted to be around me, the better. It was safer that way—always had been. Granted, Rush had slowly forced me to trust my team when we were in the military, but this?

“My mom was a junkie,” I began, the confession hoarse and strained as if nearly every part of me was rebelling letting this person in.

Lainey’s eyes flashed my way before falling to her plate again.

“When she was around, she was always so trashed off whatever she could get her hands on. Most addicts stick to one thing at a time, if they ever change, but she just chased the high: pills, coke, meth, it didn’t matter to her.” I nodded to myself as I forced images away as fast as they appeared. “My earliest memory is taking Wyatt and Peyton to the trailer next to ours, trying to get milk for Peyton—she was still a baby.”

At that, I was the one who looked away when Lainey’s wide eyes sought out mine, her expression saturated with disbelief and pity. Because I didn’t want anyone’s pity. Never had.

“She didn’t raise us. I did,” I told her. “That’s why this week—Wyatt and Kaia—has been so difficult. That’smyfailure.”

“No—”

“Yes,” I said over Lainey, shooting a hard look her way to ensure she wouldn’t try arguing that again because no one could convince me otherwise. “I did everything to keep us alive, so not being able to keep him clean or alive now? That’s on me.”

She looked like she wanted to say something, to argue, but she just listed her head and pressed her lips tightly together.

“I know how to take care of a baby,” I went on, bringing us back to our conversation that first night. “I fumbled my way through raising Peyton, even though I’m sure I did it all wrong. And even though I don’t remember what to do, that isn’t what this is.” I jerked my chin toward the wall behind her. “It’s that Kaia’s a reminder of what I lost. I can hardly look at her.”

“Asher,” she breathed, and I’m pretty sure my heart flatlined for long seconds before taking off at a torturous pace.

I worked my jaw as I fought the urge to do something I was sure I’d regret, like kiss her again because Iwantedto, and said, “But everything else? You haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m not gonna fire you. The stuff with my apartment is just—” I drew in a deep breath as memories overwhelmed me.

Memories I refused to plague anyone with, especially the woman next to me.

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