Page 41 of Even if It Hurts

“I did what I could to keep our rundown trailer as clean as possible when our mom was gone,” I said instead. “But when she was there...” I swiped a hand just above the table’s surface as a shaking I didn’t know how to control started deep in my bones. “She’d empty entire dumpsters worth of rotten food, used needles, and anything else you can imagine in there like it was treasure and force us to live in it. Sleep in it.”Bury us underneath it like it was a game.

“Did you ever tell anyone?” Lainey asked when I didn’t go on, her voice just above a horrified whisper.

I met her worried stare, my head already shaking before I said, “We showed up at school with bruises and the same dirty clothes, and teachers always looked away. Besides, I was worried we’d get separated if we went into the system.”

“You were a kid,” she said in understanding.

A rumble of agreement sounded in my throat. “If I could do it again, I’d do whatever it took to get us away from her.”

Lainey nodded before gently asking, “Did she hit you?” Before I could begin to respond, she hurried to add, “You don’t have to tell me—sorry. You just saidbruises.”

I opened my mouth to shut down the question only to hesitate. “That was the least of it,” I finally admitted, the words seeping from me like a dirty confession, “and you’ll never know the rest.”

Sorrow etched across her beautiful face as she studied me, her head dipping in the smallest nod. “I’m so sorry.”

“There are some traumas you bury deep and others you don’t recover from,” I replied simply. “But that trailer is why I’m the way I am. It’s why Wyatt started using. It’s why Peyton left for New York when she was eighteen and didn’t come back until last night.” I cleared my throat and gestured to her. “It’s whycountry music sets me on edge, and why I can’t handle seeing unnecessary things.”

Seconds passed before understanding and a deep dread burned in Lainey’s eyes as if realizing what she’d unknowingly contributed to. “Oh...oh my gosh, I’m?—”

“You didn’t know,” I said before she could apologize again.

“But I shouldn’t have used your speakers,” she nearly cried.

“I want you to.”

“And it wasn’t my place,” she continued over me as a regretful laugh left her. “None of it was my place. I just—” She loosely waved toward the living room before letting her hand fall to her lap. “Your apartment feels so cold and unlived in and like no one can touch anything, and I stupidly assumed that was because of how much you work. With there being a baby here now, I thought I could make it homey, but that wasn’t my place,” she repeated. “That isn’t my job.”

The corner of my mouth twitched into a whisper of a smirk. “What’s wrong with my apartment?”

Lainey’s eyes widened as if just realizing what all she’d said during her adorable ramble. “Nothing.”

“Honesty,” I told her again.

“I’d prefer not to.” The words came out on a strained breath and forced a gravelly laugh from me that seemed to stun her.

“After what you’ve already said, you might as well expand on it,” I muttered and watched as the slight tease in my voice made her worry fall away as if it’d never been there.

Lainey’s eyes danced as they searched mine. Her lips were once again pressed tightly together, only this time, it was in an attempt to fight a smile.

And to have that look after everything I’d shared with her? To feel this light when my past had always been so heavy and sickening? It did something to me.

This dangerous, dangerous girl.

“Not sure what exactly I said,” she began with a feigned look of worry as she finally unleashed that smile on me, “but I’m sure I said everything.”

“Then tell me why you were crying this morning.”

In an instant, Lainey’s expression fell and shuttered. But just when I thought she was going to dismiss the question or try to lie her way around it, she dropped her stare and whispered, “That’s complicated...”

“Complicated how?”

She seemed to weigh her words before saying, “Because I was crying over what happened this morning. But what happened this morning was the result of the past six years.”

I picked up one of the slices of pizza but didn’t look away from her as I waited.

“You really wanna know?” she asked as she picked at the edge of her own slice.

“I’m sitting here.”

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