Page 141 of Outside The Wire

“It was the other way around, Jade. I didn’t leave you. You chose to take those pills. You chose to get in that van and drive it into a fucking tree. You fucking left me!” I shouted, slamming my fist into my chest. “Every single fucking thing I promised you was gone in the blink of an eye. You didn’t fucking trust me totake care of you. When you were hurting, you didn’t turn to me for help. When you couldn’t sleep, when you couldn’t stop the pain, you didn’t trust me to help. How the fuck do you think that made me feel?”

“You had so much on your plate already!” she cried, tears filling her eyes. “You were trying to save us all. I was just trying to get through the day. I didn’t want you to have to worry about me.”

“Well, guess what. I was already worried about you. Every since fucking minute of every single day. My plan changed from bringing down The Syndicate to just getting us out of there alive so I could give you a normal life. You stole that chance from me the moment you drove the van into a fucking tree.”

Tears spilled down her cheeks as she shook her head at me. “Asher…I was hurting. I…I don’t know what else to tell you. I was so lost and there was nothing you could do for me.”

“Nothing youwantedto let me do for you,” I corrected.

“Asher—” Chase warned.

But I was beyond dancing around her issues. I did that before and look where it got me. If we were going to lay this to rest, we had to get to the truth.

“Our marriage died that day, Jade. Whatever we had, it all fucking died that day.”

“Please don’t say that,” she sniffled. “Please don’t…don’t say that.”

I hated to see her cry. I always hated it when she cried, but this time, there was too much at risk. Holly was at risk, and I couldn’t put anyone above her.

“This has to end. The cycle of us hurting each other has to be over.”

“But—but I love you,” she cried. “And I know you still love me!”

“Jade, I will always love you, but not like you need me to. That part of my life is over.”

“No!” she shouted, running at me and pounding her fists into my chest. “I don’t accept that! We were good together! Everything about us was so perfect!”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “Is that what you think?” I asked, catching her fists and holding them tight. “You think our relationship was so fucking perfect? We were toxic for each other, Jade.”

“No, it was?—”

“You can’t see it now, but I had a lot of fucking time to think about it. Every fucking second after you were gone—nights when all I thought about was your death and how I didn’t save you. It played on repeat in my head. It still does. And you know what I figured out?” She shook her head at me. “We were so wrong for each other. So fucking wrong,” I whispered.

She yanked her wrists out of my grasp and stepped back, covering her mouth as a look of horror streaked across her face. “Take that back.”

“It’s the truth.”

“No—”

“Yes! I wanted so badly to be what you needed, but I missed every fucking sign there was that you needed help. Maybe I didn’t want to see it. Our whole relationship was a fucking lie! And if you really loved me as much as you said you did, you wouldn’t have tried to kill yourself like that. You wouldn’t have put me through that!”

“I didn’t want to feel any more pain!” she cried out.

“Well, you put me through fucking hell for two goddamn years!” I shouted, losing my shit. “I couldn’t sleep without dreaming about your death over and over again. I woke up every morning puking my guts up. I drank myself to sleep every night, hoping that it would help to lessen the nightmares, but it neverfucking worked. You were always there, always pleading with me to save you.”

“Asher, don’t!” Chase snapped.

“And then Chase and Patrick came for me. They tried to bring me back. Do you know what they found?”

She shook her head slowly.

“They found a man who was drunk more than he was sober. I was barely functioning most days, living in some rundown cabin. I didn’t talk to anyone, and when I did, half the time, I was ready to kill someone.”

“Asher, I’m sorry,” she whispered.

I huffed out a laugh. “I still have your fucking pills.”

“My what?”

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