Page 9 of Mending Scars

Dr. Lowell began writing on her note pad as she asked, “Could you elaborate on that?” “Honestly?” Kamden snorted and ran his hands over his dark, buzzed hair before slapping them down on his thighs. “I don’t want to.”

He was internally shutting down. I did the same thing all the time so I recognized what he was doing. I needed to be stronger for him, for both of us—to help get through the mess we were in.

I placed my hand over his and stroked over it with my thumb. “Kam,” I softly urged.

He balled his hand into a fist under mine and sighed deeply. After a few seconds, he turned his palm over and linked our fingers together. Our eyes met, and I gave him an encouraging smile as I squeezed his hand.

He looked away when he spoke. “For so long, I… I wanted to kill Kaleb for what he did to Ky. Guess I got what I wanted,” he said dejectedly as he hung his head.

The room was soundless except for the scribbling of Dr. Lowell’s pen on the paper. The silence constricted my chest, making it hard to breathe as I struggled to hold it together. My eyes burned from tears I knew I wouldn’t be able to contain much longer. I hated that Kamden was experiencing all these horrible emotions because of me.

“At least I saved her from more abuse from him, right?” His eyes watered, and he swallowed deeply. “I wasn’t able to protect her before, but I took care of that. He won’t hurt her again.”

“Kam.” His name sounded disjointed when I spoke as tears dripped down my face. I cleared my throat, hoping my voice would be steady. “Don’t blame yourself for what Kaleb did to me—it was never your fault.”

He scoffed. “I was supposed to protect you, Ky—that’s what big brothers do. I’m a fucking failure. And a murderer.”

Rage rushed through my veins at his self-accusation. I jerked his hand, making him look up at me. “You’re neither of those things. It wasn’t your responsibility to protect me from Kaleb—that was Mom and Dad’s job. They’re the fucking failures! And you’re not a murderer—you killed Kaleb in self-defense to protect us.”

He held my gaze as a single tear fell from each eye down his cheeks. “Doesn’t matter—I killed my own brother.”

He looked away again, hanging his head in shame. No matter what I said, he never believed me. He still blamed himself. I looked to Dr. Lowell, hoping she would chime in and agree with me.

Setting her pen down, she clasped her hands together on top of the legal pad. “Kamden, you can’t keep blaming yourself for this. In order to move on, you have to make peace with yourself. You can’t dwell on the past.”

Easier said than done, lady.

Kamden abruptly wrenched his hand away from mine and threw his arms out in front of him. “How?” he screamed. His voice boomed and was riddled with emotion. “Can you teach me? Because I’ve been trying to do that, and the only way I get the pain to go away is to drown myself in alcohol.” His face was reddened with fury as more tears fell from his eyes. It ripped my heart apart to see him like that, to know I was one of the causes of his suffering. “What kind of person kills their own brother?”

My heart thumped wildly as my own anger took over again. Shaking my head in disagreement, I interrupted his rant to start one of my own. “Stop it, Kam! You wanna know what kind of person you are?” I moved my face to meet his eyes, but he avoided me. I raised my voice to get his attention. “Look at me!”

It took a few moments before he finally brought his gaze to mine. My hardened eyes relaxed some as I held his stare. “You’re the kind of person that holds his grown sister when she has a nightmare. You’re the kind of person who has held her hand through every bad time, who has never let her give up, who saved her from the hell she lived in. You’re the kind of person who has sacrificed everything for her. You—” I choked through a sob before taking a deep breath and softening my voice. “You’re the best kind of person there is.”

Our eyes met, and his face reflected the emotions that were swarming me: hurt, fear, guilt, sorrow. All I wanted was for him to go back to the way he was before—to be my strong, stable big brother again. Even though I had Ryker, I still needed Kamden—more than he would ever understand.

Kamden silently stared at me as if knowing I had more to say. I took a shaky breath and continued pouring my heart out to him, hoping my words would bring him back from the ledge he was teetering on. “There aren’t words to describe what you mean to me, Kam.” I gripped both his hands in mine. “I can never repay you for saving me—from Kaleb and myself. You were there every time I needed you, and I still need you. I need my brother back.”

Kamden remained silent for several seconds, then spoke so low that I could barely hear him. “I don’t think I can be him again.”

His words slammed into my heart, splintering some pieces of it. I squeezed Kamden’s hands tighter, hoping to hold on to him in more ways than one, to tether him to me. A steady stream of tears flowed down my face as my voice cracked. “Please try, Kam. Don’t give up.”

He shook his head before looking up at me, scanning over my face. Pulling his hands from mine, he brought them up and wiped the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. He gave me a small, forced smile. “I’ll try,sorella.For you.”

My lips slowly spread in a full grin as I threw my arms around Kamden’s neck and hugged him tightly to me. My voice was soft but threaded with emotion. “We’ll get through this, Kam. Together.”

He hugged me back. “I hope so.”

I knew he didn’t completely believe my words, but I would prove them. I wouldn’t give up until I saved Kamden from the darkness that had plagued me for so long.

As I was about to leave the psychiatrist’s office, I called Nori, wanting to talk to her about the text message and everything going on with Kam. With traffic, I’d have anywhere from thirty to forty minutes until I would get home, so I had time to talk to her.

Nori’s cheery voice greeted me, “Hey, girlie.”

“Hey. Are you busy?” I chewed my lower lip as I sat in my car in the parking garage.

“Nah, just got home. What’s up?”

I sighed and started driving. “I just got done with my first therapy session with Kamden.”

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