Page 316 of Rage

"I need to tell you something, but I need you to promise that you'll hear me out. You're going to want to run, you're going to want to hate me, but?—"

"I could never hate you," I interject softly.

"Don't say that until you hear what I need to tell you. What I have to say might hurt you, but I need you to stick with me until I've said it all. You need the whole story before you decide."

"Decide what?"

"What you want to do next. Whether you want to be with me."

Be with him? "W-what does that mean, be with you?"

Does that meanhewants to be withme? How would that even work? Does that mean I'd have to come out, or does he just mean continuing on as we are? There are too many questions swirling around in my head.

"That's something that we'll need to decide, but I think you need to hear this before you can think too hard on it."

"Okay…" I say, sitting in the chair that Levi pulls out for me.

He paces a moment, leans over the counter, fiddles with the piles of papers and other items. I haven't known Levi all that long. It's been less than two months since he came into my life,and only a few weeks since he turned my life upside down. But in all that time, I have never seen Levi look anything less than confident and self-assured. The way he's fidgeting and avoiding eye contact is disconcerting. My brain cannot conjure what he could possibly have to tell me that would make him this nervous.

Finally, he takes the seat next to me, turning to face me. My legs are too long, so he ends up with his knees between mine. A warm tingle follows wherever he touches me—my knees, my thigh, my hand when he takes it in his. He stares down at our intertwined fingers for a moment before raising his eyes to mine. The sky blue of his eyes looks darker than usual, the red rims and puffiness making them seem stormy and unstable, like the sun may never come out again. It scares me.

He takes a deep breath and starts. His voice is low and hoarse, like his throat might be sore or it's hard to get the words out.

"First, I need to tell you that I'm sorry. Even before I started to fall for you, I knew that this was wrong?—"

Wrong? Does he mean because we're both men? Wait… he said fall for you. He's falling for me, too?

"I'm falling for you, too. Have fallen, really," I blurt before he can say anything else. "Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be listening. But I feel like you need to know that. And I don't care that you're a man. I mean, I care. I'm terrified. But I don't think that something that feels this right could be wrong. I don't believe that God doesn't want us to experience happiness like this."

A smile slowly stretches Levi's lips, but his eyes are just as sad. I can't tell if he's looking at me with pity, or what. He looks like a kicked puppy.

"Thank you."

That's a weird response.

"What's going on, Levi?" I ask softly, gesturing for him to continue. I'll shut up now so he can tell me what he so desperately needs to.

"I'll, uh, start at the beginning…" He looks down again, mouth twisting.

"Hey," I say, reaching to tip his chin up to look at me.My, how the tables have turned. "It's okay. It'll be okay."

How can it not be? I'm in love with him. He just said he's falling in love with me. The rest we can work around. Long distance? Hiding our love from the outside world? Trying to separate my life from my father's? None of it seems insurmountable now that he's said those words.

Leaning forward, I press my lips to his. He sighs into the kiss, opening for me. It's soft and sweet, and yet still makes my pants feel tight. Will that excitement ever dull? I hope not, but even without it, I want to bask in his light for the rest of my life.

Salt mingles with the taste of Levi's lips, and I pull back to see a tear track down his face. I kiss him once more. Twice. When I take his hands in mind, I notice that he’s wearing gloves.Why is he wearing gloves?

"A few months ago, I was staying with my sister. We were supposed to be going on a cruise to celebrate that she’d graduated from her pre-law program early because she's an overachiever. She'd been working as an assistant at this big fancy law firm, was ready to start law school in the fall. Anyway, we had to cancel the cruise because she was sick. Well, not sick exactly—she was pregnant.” He takes a shaky breath. “Everly was terrified about telling our mom, and she'd gotten into an argument with her boyfriend about keeping the pregnancy, but she was still so happy. She was so excited to be a mother, despite the circumstances. She said it was God's will, and she couldfeelthe rightness of it. Her boyfriend would come around, and she'd have to put off law school for a year or so, she thought. But shewas steadfast in her optimism about it all. Honestly, I believe she could have pulled it off. Even if our mother disowned her, even if the boyfriend didn't come around and she had to do it on her own. My sister would have been the best mother and found a way to put herself through school to become the best lawyer. It's just the kind of person she is—was."

Was.He pauses for another shaky breath and my hand tightens around his.

"Later that week, Everly went out on a date with her boyfriend. They'd met for coffee two days before and had been talking on the phone. Just like she said he would, he'd changed his tune. He took her to some overpriced boutique store to make a registry and even put a hold on some fancy nursery furniture. They were sending house listings back and forth, and she was positive he was going to propose. I was worried, of course I was. All I knew about the guy was that his name was Matt, she'd met him at the law firm she worked at, and that he spoiled her.” Levi scoffs, and a tear escapes his eye.

“Aside from the morning sickness and living off nothing but protein smoothies, she was okay. Better than okay. She was literally glowing… Until she started cramping and feeling really sick. The bleeding started before she could even get an appointment with her doctor, and I took her to the emergency room."

"Everything happened so fast. Ultimately, she miscarried and hemorrhaged. Lost too much blood and had a stroke."

Dear God.I bring his hand to my chest, cradling it there like I can soothe both our pain. My heart aches for him. "I'm so sorry."

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