Page 77 of Collateral Damage

I slip into a turtleneck and my black frilly skirt, sliding on my knee highs as I tiptoe out the bedroom. The front door is wide open like it's calling to me and she's not in the house so I make my way outside the building, following Shep who rubs his wet snout against my bare leg as we wander out the front door where a metal guard dog signs hangs from a rusty nail.‘BEWARE’in bold letters causes me to look at the fluff ball and grin comically. I could never see Shep being scary, he's only ever shown me devoted love. I exit the door as the outside chill hits my skin and it feels so foreign. It's dusk and the sun is cracking across the horizon, lighting up my face with a fading warmth as it sets behind the tree. I turn to see her waiting for me on the bonnet of the rust bucket sat in the front yard, a cigarette hanging outher mouth as she hops off it towards me and my body stiffens, swallowing my want to run into her arms.She smiles softly at me and my insides knot, walking around me as she closes in behind, making me hitch with curiosity, encasing my eyes with fabric restricting my view and tying a knot to keep it tight but I can feel this is not malicious or ill willed.

“Hayden, what the hell are you doing?” She places her hand on my lower back, pushing with delicate force to entice me to move with her.

“Just- trust me.” That's the problem. All I've done is trust her and now I've become unstuck. My feet move, letting her guide me, hoping I don't trip over my feet.

“Is this where you kill me?”

A huff forces through her nose in amusement.“I already did that.”

Her sly mouth really gets under my skin in the best way. We walk for what feels like maybe 20ft until she draws me to a halt and I can feel her against the back of my neck.

“Are your eyes closed?” I squeeze them shut along with my palms. I'm not scared, just beaming with anticipation as I nod, giving her the ok to remove my blindfold as she tugs the knot letting it loosen, pulling it away from my face. “Open.”

I squint with one eye first, but my jaw falls low as I finally focus on my surroundings. Her trailer sits amongst tall grass with a small gravel path leading up to the little steps, smothered in fairy lights looping the roof extending off into the bushes. A small bench sits in front of the window with snacks and beers.She finally finished it.

“Oh my god- Hayden this is beautiful.” I admire the new coat of cream paint, glowing a warm pink against the sunset with stars scattering the wires and everything in me lights up, even underneath that hard shell I can see exactly what she’s thinking about right now. “She would have loved it.”

I glance over at her sitting on the table of the bench with one leg up on the seat and she stares intently at me, relighting her dead cigarette.

“Yeah…She would have.” I stand awkwardly, waiting for her to say something but we mellow in the silence I think she needs right now. You could cut the tension with your teeth.

….

“Today is her birthday.” My heart stops, swallowing my guilt for feeling so entitled to my feelings right now. She glares up at the empty sky and I wonder if she still talks to her when I'm not around. Hears her in the calmness of the gentle wind.

“Well, this is a pretty epic birthday present.” All of this for someone who is no longer with us. Her bond is indescribable.She is capable of love,it’s written in her actions and devotion to the woman who never stopped loving her. The only woman who never gave up on her, even till her very last breath. Me and my mom had a great relationship but I guess we never had that bond through pain to connect us. A bond I now understand. It’s unlike anything I've ever felt, this overwhelming connection that pulls your souls closer together.

She continues her silence, popping the cap off a beer before handing it to me, saying thank you through a smile.

“Which one is my panel?” She points to the panel by the door and I smirk gently. Being part of this project makes my chest throb. It has nothing to do with me yet a piece of me still resides here in her hard work. “So. Are you going to give me a tour?”

She finishes the last draw, crushing the cigarette in the palm of her hands and I shouldn't have found that as attractive as I did.She has absolutely no fear of pain and I find myself wanting to know why more and more each day.

“Are you going to keep avoiding me?”Fuck, she's noticed. She stands to her feet, creeping towards me and I scrunch myshoulders into my neck. She just consumes my entire being when I'm in her vicinity.

“Hayden… I'm not. I just-” I glare at the floor where her boots fall into frame, too afraid to look back up at her but she tucks her index fingers underneath my chin, guiding me to faceMy Nightmare.

“You're hurt.” She interrupts me. Her touch has the ability to make my eyes water as she caresses my jaw line delicately.

“Yeah… I guess so…” I feel so silly. She must think I'm absolutely ridiculous falling for her in these circumstances, but it's not exactly like she's pushed this possibility away. We had sex? She's been inside me? I thought that wasmeantto mean something. I push this to the back of my mind. Now is not the time to be arguing. Today is about her mom.

“Well, think of this as an apology.” I look around at the effort and maybe this isn't just about her mom. She did this to try and remove the awkward tension in the house. To make up for hurting me.

“I’m starting to like apologies…”

??

Play - ‘Star Shopping – Lil Peep’

The sun had finally set and we sat there for hours bringing up old stories, reminiscing on happy memories, the handful she had anyway. I had a few but we are more alike than we like to admit. I was only allowed one beer this time but I snuck a few sips from hers, playing fetch with Shep to keep him from snoring at our feet in boredom.

She stares at the trailer intensely, lost in thought and I study her thinking face admiring the emptiness she holds in her expression when she’s lost in the clouds. She's adreamer,but what she dare dream about may terrify me. Her features aresofter when she’s not here with me, when she allows herself to breathe and I gawk at her in the gentle glow that cascades the trees above us. In the stillness we don’t get to experience as I study the features I’d never noticed before. Besides the gash in her cheek, there is a gentle nip in her lip, the word above her eyebrow etches into her skin and I can finally read,Exile.Wondering what it means and where it came from. All these questions I’ve still yet to ask.

She stands abruptly, walking towards the trailer and jumps on the arch of the wheel, lifting herself up onto the roof leaving my jaw on the floor.She did that so effortlessly.

“What are you doing up there?!” I face her, scowling up looking over to see Shep scowling right along with me, baffled that she thinks I have the strength to lift myself up there on my own.“Up there! I won't even be able to get on the wheel!”

She doesn’t have to say a word, staring at me with her answer like I can read her thoughts. I get up slowly, shaking my head in disbelief as I make my way to the arch, managing to climb on until my foot slips.I really shouldn't be in socks.I fully prepare to land on my ass until her hand grips my wrist, hoisting my bodyweight up like it's nothing. Her strength makes me ache.And I don't mean my heart.

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