Page 12 of A Song of Death and Desire

“You have to stop!” I say again, pleading for them not to begin their song.

“Kai, what is it?” Raidne asks me softly, moving closer.

“You can't. We can't. Not him.” I'm speaking fast, barely coherent.

“Shh, it's okay,” she soothes. “Take a deep breath for me and try to explain what's going on.” I shake my head, the words not coming. How do I explain this? How can I protect him? Seeing my difficulty, Raidne swims to the rest of our group and I hear her having quiet but firm words with them. Hissing and shooting glares in my direction, they move in the opposite direction of Eagan. My breaths slow as I realize none of them are continuing to pursue the hunt and are allowing me the privacy I need to get my shit together. They may not understand why I asked them to stop, but they are reluctantly complying anyway.

“We can't kill him, Raidne,” I start.

“Um…why not? What is it about him that makes him so different?”

I take a deep breath, and before I allow myself another moment to talk myself out of it, the story pours out of me. I explain how I found him on a hunt. How I tried to do what we always do, feed on his soul. But I couldn't do it, and I don't know why. I describe the way his eyes, as blue as the clearest waters, held me captivated. It was like I was under his spell when he was supposed to be under mine. I tell Raidne about how keeping him alive created an obsession within me, a tightness in my chest that I couldn't banish until I found him. Then, my regular trips to land and how I so desperately searched for the man I could not forget. And when I found him and heard his name, Eagan.And his voice! How it transfixed me, stoking the flames of my obsession.

“And now he's here!” I cry. “He’s back on a fucking boat in the ocean when he barely escaped death the first time. I couldn't let him die then, and I can't let him die now. There's something about him, Raidne, I don't know how to explain it, but he needs to live.” I finish my story and gaze into the sympathetic eyes of my best friend, my sister.

“Are you kidding me right now? Why didn't you tell me you were going through all of this? I could have helped you. I knew something wasn't right. You have gotten yourself into a real mess, haven’t you?” she admonishes kindly. “Don't worry though, I’ll make sure that the others don’t harm your human. But you are going to have to figure something out. And quickly. You know our sisters won’t like being denied this hunt especially without an explanation.”

She’s right. Of course, she is right. I’m grateful that although she may not understand the connection I feel towards Eagan, she isn't going to do anything to hurt him because she knows how it will hurt me. Not for the first time, I find myself feeling overwhelmingly grateful for Raidne being in my life.

Raidne moves back to the group and with a few more words they swim away. A couple look back at me with annoyance at being deprived of a soul but the further they get from the boat, the lighter the weight on my chest becomes. Raidne gives me a gentle smile before turning to join them and again I am endlessly appreciative of the privacy she is allowing me.

There will be consequences for my little meltdown. I know that my sisters will be angry because they have had to leave today. They will have questions and when I don’t immediately answer them, they will be pissed off. They will never understand my sympathy for humans.

I don't know how long I spend watching Eagan. It may have been minutes. It may have been hours. But I am entranced. I ensure that I observe him from behind, so he does not see me. The waves help to obscure me from view. As much as I long to be near him, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of him seeing me.

I am still not certain why he is out here. He doesn't seem to be doing anything. He has no fishing equipment, nothing that might indicate his purpose. He's just… staring. Staring out towards the endless sea. Searching.

My heart stutters with the thought that he could be looking for me. The short burst of excitement that fills me is quickly squashed by dread. If he is looking for me that means he remembers me. What would he do if he found me? Would they view us as monsters? Would he view me as a monster and reject me for what I am?

Chapter 12

What the hell am I doing out here? This is the question I have asked myself endlessly for the past five days. Each one of these days I've woken up before the sunrise— oh who am I kidding? I'm not really sleeping—and taken the boat out. I've spent all day out at sea.

Watching.

Searching.

Waiting.

Waiting for a sign that the woman exists. That this isn't some messed up trauma reaction that's going to land me in the mental hospital. I am now more certain than ever that my memories are true.

I was taken? Saved? By a siren. It's her song that fills my every waking moment. My research on sirens has been confusing to say the least. In some legends they are simply mermaids.

Beautiful

Peaceful.

But in others they are monsters. Deadly monsters. I don't know what type I'm dealing with here but what I do know is that I need her. The knowledge of her existence but being unable to find her is a level of distress close to physical pain. It's like bugs crawling under my skin, a desperation that nothing other than her presence will satiate.

Each day I have taken my boat out and without any clear information to go on I've just drifted. I go to a new spot and stare at the endless expanse of ocean wondering if this day will be different.

Today I shouldn't have come. The dark sky promises bad weather and the turbulent waves make this trip more dangerous than the ones before. The logical part of my brain knows that I'm making incredibly stupid decisions here. But I swear that part of my brain is getting smaller every day. Right now, I'm ruled by some other part of me. Something primal, instinctual, desperate. And that part doesn't care about danger as long as I find what I'm looking for.

The wind howls and the boat lurches with every wave that hits the side. The rain begins and I'm taken back to the storm that started it all. This has to be it. I can't keep doing this. I want to claw at my own skin, rip out my heart that is constantly hurting with the longing to find what I’m searching for. I can't live like this anymore.

And with that realization, one last, truly desperate thought enters my mind. There's no going back now. I start untying my shoes and pulling off the coat I had put on to brave the weather.

This ends today.

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