Page 30 of A Song of Death and Desire

I try to let everything around me fade into the background as I concentrate on the rhythm of my fists against the bag. I’m aware of the beating of my heart and my breaths increasing in speed. When any other thought enters my mind, I try to push them away, refocusing on the beats. My goal is to exhaust myself, to distract myself from the chaos in my mind that has no answer.

I move from the bag, to weights, to the treadmill, and then back through again until my muscles are screaming at me in protest. My skin is slick with sweat, and my muscles are fatigued, but it’s barely taken the edge off my obsession with Kairi.

I shower at the gym and spend far too long under the warm spray. I rest my forearms on the shower wall in front of me as the water cascades over the tense muscles in my neck and back.

I decide to message Tom to ask if he would be willing to catch up for a drink after work. I know he has forgiven me on a personal level but I’m not sure if he has, or can even forgive me as my boss. Only one way to find out and I know it’s time. I need to have a purpose in life again, something to get up for in the morning. Tom responds quickly, agreeing to meet me at the bar. Fantastic. Now I only have the whole afternoon to keep busy until it’s time to meet Tom.

I wander around town with no purpose whatsoever, purely in an effort to avoid returning to the apartment. I hate how I’m afraid to be in my own damn house but I’ve got no one to blame but myself. Well maybe Kairi. But mostly me because I couldn't keep my cock in my fucking pants.

Without anything to really do, I can’t stop thinking about my predicament. By the end of the afternoon, I’ve pretty much convinced myself that having sex with Kairi wasn’t the problem. It’s intimacy and a relationship that I truly want to avoid. So I can set some ground rules. Anything regarding foreplay and sex is on the table but no dates, no confessions of love, andabsolutelyno snuggling!This will work. Right? After all, it’s my sexual attraction that's the problem.

I attempt to push down any thoughts of doubt that try to push their way in. Yes, I know that trying to keep sex and feeling separate can be a challenge for some people but I'm confident that I can do it. For all I know, this is what Kairi wants as well. She has given no indication that she is interested in anything more substantial than a sexual relationship. Feeling more at ease with this path forward and knowing that if she agrees, I won’t have to deny myself anymore, I don’t feel quite as anxious about returning home later tonight.

I couldn’t tell you how I spent my day. It almost felt like when I was under Kairi’s spell and large chunks of time simply disappeared. This was different though; I wasn’t completely unaware of my surroundings; I was just spending too much time in my head. It wasn’t until Tom walked through the door of the bar that I realized that perhaps I could talk to him about my predicament. I obviously can’t give him all the details but maybe he will have some sage advice.

Tom falls into the seat of the booth I have procured for us. The bar is quiet this early on a weeknight which I’m pleased about. I’ve never been super comfortable around crowds. I’d already ordered a shot of whiskey for each of us, figuring that after a long day at work, Tom could use one. I know I’m right when Tom picks it up and downs it. “How was work,” I ask.

“Fucked,” he sighs. “We are so far behind on deadlines at the moment. They just aren’t keeping up.” He rests his head in his hands.

I guess now is as good a time as any to ask to return. “I was wondering if it would be possible for me to come back? I could help get things back on track. I know I let you down, but I promise I’m doing so much better, and I won’t jeopardize your company or our friendship again.”

Tom watches me in contemplation and I fidget under his gaze. “Hmm. We could really use your skills. You’re able to do the work far quicker than the others. I’m not sure if it’s going to look good for me though if I take you back. The rest of the company saw how you just ghosted us. I don’t want it to seem like you are getting preferential treatment just because you’re my friend.”

“I understand,” I reply, trying to keep the disappointment from lacing my tone.

“But…” he continues. “How would you feel about doing some contract work? I could tell the others that I’m outsourcing some of the graphic design tasks due to the backlog. You can do the work from home. It won’t be as much work as you were used to, but it could be a good way to rebuild trust and to ensure that your mental health is stable enough to cope with work again.”

I think about it. It’s not a bad idea actually. It will also allow me a bit of extra flexibility to deal with my siren issue. I nod and graciously accept the offer. I’m lucky that he even considered this, and I know I can prove myself to be a valuable asset again.

We order another round of drinks, and I consider how I’m going to broach the topic of Kairi. “So, there’s this woman,” I start. Tom raises his eyebrows and gestures for me to continue. “She’s currently staying in my apartment.”

Tom’s eyes widen. “Seriously? You never let people into your space!”

I nod in agreement. “She ran into some trouble and needed a place to stay. We aren’t together or anything.”

“But you want to be?” Tom asks, reading between the lines of what I’m saying.

“No!” I say with a little too much conviction. Tom smirks.

“Oookay. So, what’s the problem?”

“The problem is she’s hot as fuck and I can’t stay away from her.”

“Why do you need to stay away from her?”

“Because she isn’t good for me. I don’t need a relationship right now.”

Tom nods in agreement, taking a sip of his second whiskey. “Let me get this straight, there’s a hot woman in your apartment who you want to fuck, but you alsodon’twant to because you don’t want a relationship.”

“That about sums it up,” I mumble.

“Well, is she looking for a relationship? Does she want to sleep with you?”

“A little too late for that,” I reply, unable to stop the smirk.

Tom laughs. “Okay so that ship has sailed then. But what about the whole relationship thing?”

I shrug. “No idea.”

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