Page 31 of A Song of Death and Desire

“Maybe you need to ask what she’s looking for. You can have a fuck buddy arrangement,” Tom says, echoing my thoughts from earlier. I knew I was onto something. “But what if she wants more?” He questions and my stomach drops. I don’t know how to answer that question honestly.

I shrug. “Then I guess I'll be back to square one. I can look but I can't touch.”

“Uh-huh, sure you can manage that?

“Of course I can,” I snap, immediately regretting my tone.

“Oh boy she really has you riled up, doesn't she? Can I meet her?” he asks with a grin.

“We’ll see,” I respond, pretty certain that if she hangs around much longer, the two of them meeting will be inevitable.

Chapter 32

He left. He fucked me within an inch of my life and gave me two life-changing orgasms, and then he just left. I couldn’t help the hurt that filled me when I woke up to find him gone, the cold bed sheets telling me that he had left much earlier. Every time I feel like we are getting closer that maybe he is starting to see the real me under the monster, he slams those protective walls back up. He even said it last night.I hate you. You’re a monster.Is he ever going to be able to see me as anything else?

I’m angry with myself. So damn angry that I have become so tied to him. I don’t want to want him as much as I do. I wish that once I had struck the bargain with Vala, we had been able to go our separate ways. But from the moment I saw him, desperately swimming to safety in a treacherous storm, I felt like our fates were tied, that things would never be the same for me again. Everything that has transpired since then has continued to forceus together. I don’t know what it is like to love someone. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it. But I wonder if it feels like this madness that consumes me. The feeling that if I am not around him then I will cease to exist. He’s my anchor, and without him, I don’t know where I would be.

But what does he feel for me? Surely it's not love. He couldn’t– he wouldn’t love a monster. His actions are so confusing and they're giving me whiplash. Does he like me or hate me? Want me or despise me?

After pacing around the apartment, unable to sit still and relax. I know I need to start building my life here. What Vala has given me is permanent, and I can’t continue to laze around eating snacks and watching TV. I have to admit that I've been using Eagan and his apartment as a security blanket. While I'm here I don't have to face the challenges that I will inevitably come across when I fully integrate into the human world. Just because I've dreamed of this life doesn't mean it’s not terrifying.

I want to work, to be fully immersed in human life, and to learn the skills that I’m going to need here on land. I don’t know how people go about getting jobs. I don’t think I would rate high on employability, given that I’ve only been human for a couple of weeks and am still learning basic life skills. But I want to try. Ihaveto try. I want to show Eagan that I am more than what he sees.

A thought enters my mind, and before long, I’ve come up with a plan to try and get some work. I quickly get dressed, although I’m reluctant to take off Eagan’s shirt. It smells like him, his spiced coconut scent wrapping around me and imbuing feelings of safety and calm. I hide his shirt under my bed covers, hoping that he doesn’t look too hard for it. I want to wear it again.

I dress in one of the new outfits I bought with Sienna. I choose something more professional than my usual attire, a knee-length black skirt and an emerald green blouse. Sienna said that itenhances my eyes, and looking at myself in the mirror right now, I’d have to agree. I use one of the hair ties that I purchased to pull my hair into a sleek ponytail. It takes a while for me to have it looking the way I want as I’ve never had to put my hair up before. I'm used to the weight and the feel of my long hair, but I have to admit that summer heat has been making it feel like a bit of a nuisance lately. It’s a nice feeling to have it off of my neck for once. When I am happy with my appearance, I begin my walk into town, determined and with one destination in mind.

“Hey!” Kelsey greets me cheerfully as the doorbell chimes to let her know someone has entered the boutique. “I haven’t seen you in a few weeks, and I’ve been wondering how you’re going.”

“Things are good. I’m settling in.” Her gaze trails me from head to toe, taking in my appearance.

“I can see that,” she says with a wide grin. “You look wonderful!” I blush at the compliment.

I decide to cut straight to the point. “Are you looking for any help here in the boutique?” I blurt out, speaking faster than usual. She pauses for a moment and blinks her eyes. “I mean, would it be possible for me to work here with you, maybe? It doesn’t have to be much work… it’s just that I’m starting from scratch here and having a job, a purpose, is something I think would really help me. You were so kind to me when I had nothing, and I immediately thought of you and this shop when I was trying to come up with ideas of paths forward.”

She turns contemplative, and I wait silently while she mulls the idea over. “Do you have any experience in retail?” she asks.

I shake my head. “I’m sorry, I don’t. I wasn’t really able to work before…but I’m a fast learner and a hard worker. I promise I’ll give it my all.”

Fuck, she's not going to say yes, is she? I have no experience and what is she going to do when she realizes just how little knowledge and few skills that I have. This was a stupid idea.

My self-doubt overwhelms me but dissipates immediately when she gives me a gentle smile that reaches her eyes. “You know what? Let’s give it a go. How about we start with a couple of trial shifts to see if you pick things up okay? It’s not a difficult job but I just want to make sure that you feel comfortable. If the trial shifts go well then I can look at something more long-term”

Without thinking, I throw my arms around her letting out a little squeal. “Thank you so much! You won’t regret giving me a chance. I promise.”

She gives me a slightly awkward pat on the back, and I pull away, thinking that I may have pushed the personal space bubble a little too much there. “When can I start? Can I start today? What can I do?” I babble.

She chuckles, “Slow down. Your name is Kairi right?” I nod. “Kairi, how about you come in tomorrow morning at about nine o’clock before the shop opens at ten. Does that work for you? First thing in the morning is usually quiet so it will give me some time to train you.”

“Yes, of course. Nine o’clock. I’ll be here!” I reply, barely able to keep my body still as it thrums with energy. I dart in for another quick hug. I’m surprisingly tactile in this body, always seeking out touch in some way. Siren’s aren’t particularly physical, so my only form of physical affection came from humans when I was on land. So now that I’m here permanently, I can’t stop myself from taking the little bits I can get.

Kelsey doesn’t seem too perturbed by the affection I’m thrusting upon her and doesn’t pull away, so I assume that she’s okay with it. I thank her again profusely, and she waves a hand to brush off the gratitude. I leave the boutique with a spring in my step. I can’t wait to tell Eagan that I have a job.

I’ve been waiting a few hours for Eagan, and it’s been impossible to contain my excitement. A job. I have a job. Like a real human. I wonder if he’s going to be proud of me? I’ve never had such a wide range of strong emotions before, and I wonder if this is unique to my human form or perhaps this is my personality when finally given opportunities and new experiences. I’m feeling so much all at once, and it's exhausting but exhilarating at the same time.

I finally hear the key turn in the lock, and I almost jump out of my skin to tell him the good news. I wait though as I want to ask him about his day.

“Eagan! Hi, how was your day? What did you do?”

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