Page 93 of Leave

“Yeah,” Nolan whispered. “And that’s one of the reasons I’ve never said anything. Partly because Leann threatened to claim I raped her, but also because I’m afraid if someone actually does believe me, they’ll do a paternity test on Zoe, and…” He shookhis head. “Andrew adores his kids. They’re his world. If it turned out any of them weren’t his—especially if one was the product of his wife raping his own brother—it would destroy him. And the kids. I…” He actually looked like he might get sick for real. “I can’t do that to them.”

My chest hurt as I absorbed everything he’d said. He was the victim in all of this, but he still held his silence because the truth would hurt too many other people. He refused to ruin his younger brother’s wedding, and he refused to break up his older brother’s family, and in the name of protecting both, he’d suffer the presence and continued abuse of his rapist.

“She’s the reason I’m so weird about sex,” Nolan said quietly. “And… about everything, honestly.”

“After what she did—I’m not surprised.”

He met my gaze, his eyes asking if I meant that. Apparently convinced, he went on, “It’s also why I can’t handle having someone in my lap. It’s…” He shuddered hard.

I squeezed his hand. “That’s why you went pale at the strip club, isn’t it? When they bought you a lap dance?”

He nodded. “I just can’t do it. It’s too much like…”

“Holy fuck.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“What? No! You have nothing to be sorry about!”

“I do, though.” He met my gaze with a fierceness that hadn’t been there before. “I’ve had all these rules about us hooking up. I know you didn’t like them. Sleeping apart. Keeping clothes on. I…” He shook his head. “I know that sucked for you. But I just…”

“I’m not upset about that,” I said gently. “I’m livid that someone traumatized you enough that you felt you needed to keep the whole world at arm’s length.” I huffed angrily. “You changed the entire course of your life because of her. That isn’t right! She shouldn’t have done that to you!”

He looked in my eyes, searching my expression for something. Then, voice uncharacteristically timid, he asked, “So you… You believe me?”

The words,“Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I believe you!”wanted to fly out of my mouth, but I’d had too much training and some direct experience with victims of sexual abuse. A lot of them didn’t expect to be believed, and a lot of people didn’t believe them.

I slid closer to him and wrapped my arms around him. “Yes,” I whispered, stroking his head, “I believe you.”

The way he exhaled after hearing those words was heartbreaking.

“And I get why you didn’t want to sleep next to me.” I had to fight back my incandescent rage over what she’d done to him. “After what she did while you were sleeping… or drugged…” Shame swept over me at the realization of how many times I’d asked him to stay with me, and how angry and hurt I’d been that he wouldn’t. “Honestly, knowing what I do now, I think it’s a genuine miracle you ever decided you wanted to sleep next to me.”

“I trust you,” he said almost soundlessly.

I closed my eyes and held him tighter. The last thing he needed was for me to fall apart, and hearing him say those words after everything he’d confessed—yeah, falling apart was definitely on the table.

When I could finally trust my voice, I asked, “You’ve really never told anyone?”

Nolan shook his head and sniffed as he wiped his eyes again. “Not the whole story, no. I told a couple of boyfriends—never the entire thing, but enough—and that just blew up in my face.”

“How so?”

“They…” He bit his lip. “I didn’t tell them everything. Not the details. I tipped my hand a little to one, and he thought I wasa pussy for claiming to be assaulted by a woman. Another guy had been assaulted by another man, so I thought maybe he’d understand, but…” Nolan shook his head. “He wasfuriouswith me.”

“Furious? What the fuck? Why?”

“Because the guy who assaulted him overpowered him. There was nothing he could do to stop it. He didn’t think getting ‘attacked’ by a woman compared at all.” He rubbed his forehead. “That’s why I shut down and stopped telling anyone. Then I just stopped getting close enough to anyone that it would come up. My last boyfriend—I told him in vague terms that something had happened to me, but he didn’t stick around because he got tired of all my boundaries and ‘rules.’ So I just…” Nolan waved his hand. “I stopped trying to have relationships. It was pointless. I could never feel safe with anyone, so…”

“Fuck, dude.” I took his hand. “Those were some seriously shitty people.”

“I know. But after her and after them—why bother making the effort anymore, you know? It was never safe.” He met my gaze. “Not until you.”

My throat was suddenly tight with a flurry of emotions I didn’t even recognize, and I brought his hand up to kiss his palm. “I’m safe. I promise. And for what it’s worth, I’ve never felt unsafe with you.”

“I know.” He smiled even as his eyes welled up. “Before you, though… I mean, this is why I’ve been alone most of the time I’ve been in the Marine Corps. I’ve had some hookups and those few boyfriends, but… it just didn’t work. I have too much baggage to function like a normal boyfriend. I can’t even be a normal fuck buddy.”

My chest ached and I squeezed his hand. “It’s trauma, baby. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

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