Page 10 of What About Now

I clear my throat. “I can get it.”

Maddox reaches over and places his hand on my arm. “Let me, Brogan.” There’s an earnest look in his eyes, almost pleading. I give him a subtle nod. We need to talk anyway.

A few seconds later, he’s pulling open the passenger door and offering me his hand. “Let’s get you inside,” he says.

I take his hand and climb out of the truck. The winter air whips around us. Maddox places his hand on the small of my back and starts to lead me toward the house. “My bag.”

“I’ll come back and get it. Let’s get you inside where it’s warm.”

I want to argue with him. I want to tell him I’m not fragile, but suddenly, I feel fragile. As if I’m a piece of glass that can shatter in an instant. I’m happy for my sister and my nieces. They’re living their happily ever after, one I’m certain Forrest will work tirelessly to provide for them.

However, as my husband guides me up onto the front porch of my empty home, that’s all I feel.

Empty.

Lonely.

I’ve been doing this on my own for several weeks now. This isn’t new, but it feels new. The weight of the drunken mistake Maddox and I made, coupled with the fact that it’s finally sinking in that my sister and my nieces aren’t coming home, presses heavily against my chest. They’re not just having an extended stay at Forrest’s house. He’s their family now. They’re his, and I’m just me.

I’m jolted out of my thoughts when Maddox bends over and lifts me into his arms. I yelp in surprise and wrap my arms around his neck to hold on tight. “What are you doing? Put me down,” I scold. I swear this man has lost his grip on reality.

“Can’t do that. As your husband, it’s my duty to carry you over the threshold.”

“Maddox.” I sigh. Partly because I’m exhausted already and we haven’t really discussed how we are going to handle this. Not in depth. And the other part? That part melts for this man. I’ve wanted him for so long, and it cracks my heart wide open, knowing he deserves better than someone who is broken and can’t trust. If only things were different. If only my past didn’t control so much of my present. I’ve been working with my therapist, the one that Briar and I are both seeing. I’m better, but I’m still… not good enough for a man like Maddox.

Maddox Lanigan is covered in tattoos, his muscles have muscles, and his smile… it melts me every single time he flashesit my way. He’s everything every woman wants, well, everything I want, but I know what I bring to the table. Anxiety, trust issues, and fear. Fear of losing those I love. That’s all I really know, losing people. Sure, I have my sister and her twin daughters, but I’ve lost them, too, in a way. We were a team, the four of us, and now they have a new team they’re playing for, and that’s okay. I’m happy for them, but I’m really fucking sad for me.

Everyone I love leaves in one way or another, and I know I wouldn’t be able to handle losing Maddox if I allowed myself to think of him as mine.

“Type in the code, baby.”

I want to argue, but instead, I type in the passcode for the front door and twist the handle. Maddox kicks it gently with his foot and steps inside with me in his arms. He carries us toward the couch, and instead of placing me back on my feet, he turns and sits, leaving me on his lap. I try to scramble free, but his hold is too tight.

“Let me hold you,” he mumbles, and I immediately stop trying to move off his lap. “Thank you.” He pushes my hair behind my ear.

“Thank you for the ride.”

He smirks. “You’re welcome. That’s the least I can do for my new bride.”

I release a heavy sigh. “Come on, Maddox. Let’s be real. We have to get this marriage annulled.”

“We don’t have to.” He gives me a pleading puppy-dog look.

“We do. We’re not in love, Maddox. We went to Vegas, drank too much, and got married in our drunken stupor. That is not the makings of a successful marriage.”

“Think of the story we’ll tell our kids and grandkids.”

My heart squeezes inside my chest. “No kids. No grandkids.”

“Really?” he asks, surprised. “You don’t want kids?”

“I want kids.We’renot having kids. We’re not married, Maddox. Not really. We’re not even dating.”

“Then date me. While we’re married,” he adds quickly.

“What?” I still can’t believe this is his response to the situation we’ve found ourselves in.

“I care about you,” he says. His voice is soft, and the look in his eyes tells me he believes what he’s saying, too bad I can’t allow myself to believe him. “Like I said. For months, I’ve wanted you, but thought I had to stay away. I didn’t want to complicate things with Forrest and Briar. What if we didn’t work out? Where would that leave our group? I pushed what I wanted to the back burner, and I regret it. Maybe we could have had a double wedding.” He winks.

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