Page 76 of Warrior's Cross

Cameron swallowed hard. He couldn’t get any words past his lips.

He truly believed it wasn’t Julian that scared him, but the entire situation. The secrecy and the obvious danger. Everything that surrounded the other man. And then there was the question of whether Julian was even one of the “good guys.” But how was Cameron supposed to separate the man from his life?

Julian stepped closer and cocked his head, peering at Cameron through the gloom. “I do, don’t I?” he asked sadly, wincing visibly at the realization.

Cameron couldn’t do anything but look at Julian miserably. He remembered the first time they’d talked about this, how Julian had claimed he’d never been with someone who hadn’t, at some point, been frightened of him. It made his heart ache to see Julian react to him now.

“I... I don’t know,” Cameron stuttered, trying to be honest with himself and with Julian despite how much it might hurt them both. “I don’t think you do, but then something happens, and—”

“Something happens to make you question me,” Julian observed as neutrally as possible.

Cameron could almost see him internally trying to come to terms with this new turn of events. He bit his lip to keep from trying to apologize. He had to be honest now if they were ever going to resolve this. “Maybe,” he answered regretfully. “I wait for you every night, counting the days ’til I get my damn turn with you, scared to death that you won’t be coming back. What sort of life is that?”

Julian pulled back and looked at him with a hurt frown. “I’ve been doing everything I can to protect you,” he insisted.

“But are you doing everything you can to protect yourself?” Cameron demanded.

“Of course!” Julian snapped in frustration.

Cameron’s shoulders hunched. “I still worry about you. Wonder if you’ll be back. Wonder if you’ll be killed or hurt somewhere where I can’t get to you. Wonder if something will go wrong and you’ll have to just... disappear. I love you, Julian, but every thought like that is so painful I can hardly stand it. And apparently everyone I know is scared of you!”

“What the hell does that matter?” Julian asked in frustration.

“It matters to me!” Cameron insisted.

“You can’t have it both ways!” Julian hissed. “I can’t be this nonthreatening entity you and your friends seem to want me tobe and still be the type of person able to protect myself and you like I have to!”

“What is it about your life that’s so dangerous that makes you feel I can’t handle knowing about it?” Cameron blurted. The fear of what he was doing actually clawed at his throat. “It’s not so dangerous that it keeps you from coming back week after week.”

Julian took a step back as if Cameron had actually slapped him. Cameron couldn’t see any emotion in Julian’s black eyes, but he knew he’d hurt him.

“That’s because I’m fucking good at what I do,” Julian snarled after a moment. “I can come back because Iamfucking dangerous,” he said in a low, angry voice. “It’s what I do!”

Cameron tried to hold back the tightness gathering in his throat.

“What you do—what you do? I don’t know what that is, except it means you get hurt and shot at and beat up and maybe even killed,” he said. “If that’s your job, I’ll never stop being scared. I’ll never stop hurting.”

Julian stared at him, visibly stricken by the implication. “Do I hurt you, Cameron?” he asked suddenly. “Do I abuse you in some fashion? Do I leave you with any doubts whatsoever that I love you and I’m doing everything in my power to be with you?”

“I’ll never believe that you would hurt me physically,” Cameron answered confidently.

“Physically,” Julian echoed. “If not that, then what?”

“How about emotionally?” Now that Cameron was on this road, he had to get all the doubts out there or they’d eat him up inside.

Julian stared at him in disbelief, for once his emotions playing clearly across his face. “This is what you think of me?”

“I love you more than anything. I can live with not knowing the details. But you tell me how I’m supposed to live like this and not be scared,” Cameron choked out. “Live with you noteven two days a week, not knowing where you are or what you’re doing or if you’re coming back. How long will this go on? Do people like you retire? Is there anything in the future but a funeral? You haven’t told me anything!”

Julian brought his hand up to push against his stomach as if he might be ill. He looked away and actually groaned softly. “Are you telling me it’s all or nothing?” he asked with difficulty, unable to look back at Cameron just yet. “You or my job?” he breathed as he finally forced himself to look at Cameron and meet his eyes.

A tear escaped to trail down Cameron’s cheek. He found it within himself to straighten up and look clearly at the man he loved. If Julian had taught him anything, it was to stand up for himself. “I can’t live like this, always scared, never knowing if you’re okay or if you’re coming back.”

Julian’s stricken black eyes searched Cameron’s for long moments of tense, painful silence. Finally, he lowered his head and nodded, not saying a word in response. He turned silently and began walking back toward the shadows.

Cameron was so stunned that he couldn’t even breathe, much less call out to stop him, and the tears spilled free as the darkness swallowed Julian up.

Miri stood quietly at the counter, organizing the early evening’s tickets. It kept her mind busy on the slow nights, especially when she didn’t want to get stuck with bathroom duty. She turned up her nose slightly as she punched numbers into the register.

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