Page 3 of Carnal

I nod. “You know you’re welcome here as long as you need. Your bedroom ain’t changed much. Just a few boxes of tools I need to move out of there.”

He readjusts his cap. “Thanks. I’ll be here for the next week or so, but I bought a cabin up on Eagle Rock yesterday. It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“Shit, man!” I slap his back and yank him in for another hug. “When the hell did you do that? I could’ve helped ya. You… where’d you get the cash?”

“I called your buddy Clyde out at the Mail Order Ranch thing. He was still building a few places, offered me a good deal on one near the ridge he’d just finished.”

“On the ranch property?”

“Nah. Further up the way. It’s only a quarter acre, but it’s surrounded by trees. He gave me a good deal and said he was happy to have me back.” He lets out a deep sigh and looks me in the eye as he says, “I’m sorry I left like I did. I know it wasn’t easy.”

I’m not sure who the hell this kid is, but he ain’t talking like my son. “You needed to get out and see what was out there. That’s part of growin’ up.”

“Well,” he sighs loud and rolls his eyes before sitting back in front of his plate, “I hope Sasha feels the same.”

My chest tightens, my throat closes, and I swear the temperature in the room just went up ten degrees. “What?”

He laughs under his breath. “I had my fun. I dated random women,” he laughs harder, “and now it’s time to come do what makes sense.”

Turns out, the same old Mason is still in there.

“What makes sense? You and Sasha? You decided a while ago that didn’t make sense.”

“Yeah,” he grins smugly, “but I had to go sow my oats. You can’t see what else is out there unless you make breakfast with a few different women, ya know?”

Dear fucking God. I don’t know what to do with this emotion. Hell, I don’t even know what it is. I love my son, but he isn’t right for Sasha. She needs someone who can see outside themselves long enough to see her. Someone who’s empathetic and patient. Someone who’ll protect, love, hold, and give her the life she deserves.

“So… you’ve talked to her about getting back together?”

“No, Dad. Keep up. I wanted to do it in person, but I’m sure nothing much has changed with her. Every time we talk, she’s doing the same thing. That boring library job, and then home to the cats. I thought she wanted to be a writer. What ever happened with that?”

“She works hard over there. A lot goes into keeping the library stocked and organized, she rescued those cats, and she writes all the time. Good stuff, too. Why do you want to be with her if you think she’s boring?”

His brows wrinkle and the grin is back. “Man, when did you get so defensive over Sasha? This is all good news, Dad. I’m home, I got my own place, I’m getting back together with my old girl, and I’ll have a job by the end of the week.”

There are about four million things I want to say in a rather rageful way right now, but I bite my tongue and try to move on. As much as I want to be, I can’t be pissed off by this. I can’t be jealous. I can’t let whatever imaginary feelings I’ve accumulated for Sasha show. She’s not mine to protect, not mine to feel anything for. The mere fact that I feel anything at all is disgusting. She’s twenty-five years younger than me. She’s my son’s ex-girlfriend, maybe his new girlfriend. She’s off limits…period.

I roll my shoulders back and twist toward Mason, who’s got his phone face-up on the table as he scrolls through some social media thing with half-naked girls bouncing around.

Some days it’s hard to believe I raised him. When he was young, he was my shadow. We did everything together. If I was shoveling, the boy was shoveling with me. If I was reading the paper, the boy was sprawled out with the comics section. Time to head out to the barn to work with the horses, the boy was right there with the saddle pads. Somewhere around sixteen, old dad didn’t have the answers anymore. The internet did. Bouncing girls did. Austin did.

“What are you doin’ on that thing? You shouldn’t ogle women like that, especially if you’re thinkin’ about Sasha.”

He laughs. “Everyone does this, Dad. It’s your era’sPlayboy,except it’s free.”

“I didn’t look atPlayboyeither. You gotta respect women all the time, not just when they’re lookin’. It’s called character.”

“I don’t mind doing this in front of Sasha. I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s just girls.” He sighs and flips his phone over on the table before taking a sip of his beer. “So… when are you gonna start dating? You’re pretty fixated on making sure I do things right with Sasha. Maybe a woman would be good for you.”

“A date?”My chest constricts again. Sasha’s the only woman I’ve thought about in years. The only one my heart allows me to see. I’ve tried looking elsewhere but I never get far. “Not sure it’s my thing.”

“It’s everyone’s thing. You need to get out there. Have you tried that Mail Order Mountain Man thing? I’m sure your buddy Clyde could hook you up. He’s building shit every day, right? He probably knows whoever runs it.”

“Ugh, yeah, I did it already.” I knead the back of my neck with my hand. “I realized real quick that I’m not ready for love, relationships, or any of that shit.”

“You’re fifty. You're kind of running out of time, aren’t you?”

“I’m fifty, not dead. Don’t worry about me.” The words come out with a sour taste, as though there’s not an ounce of truth in them. I want Sasha, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to move on from that.

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