Page 7 of Our Time

Fuck, I need to stop thinking about this or this entire trip is going to just be me filled with anxiety. I turn towards Ryder.

“How was your doctor’s appointment?”

He lets out a long groan. “It wasfine. I hate going in, but if I want my heat suppressants then I have to go in and let them take my blood and all that jazz.”

“And your levels are good?”

“Yeah. Everything is working as intended. I have to go through a heat and then I can start taking them again.”

A shiver goes through me. Ryder looks over at me, shaking his head. “You’re so lucky you don’t have to go through this shit anymore.”

“Yeah. I don’t know how you can stand it.”

He shrugs, giving me a soft smile. He thinks for a moment before saying, “it’s not the same as far as I can tell. It doesn’t make me feel gross and wrong. It’s just something I go through and most of the time it feels pretty damn good. It’s justannoying.”

“Literally cannot relate even a little bit. That shit scarred me for life,” I blurt out. Ryder makes a wounded noise beside me so soft I just barely pick it up. My stomach sinks. Fuck.

“Yeah,” he says before I can backtrack. “Sorry about that.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Nah, you’re good, Ben. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about me. Once I take my break from taking my suppressants my heat usually comes sometime the next month. So that shouldn’t be hitting until after we’re safely back home.”

I have so many things I want to say. I want to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault, all those years ago. I want to tell him he was the only thing that made that day bearable. I want to tell him I love him for helping me realize why everything felt so wrong. I want to reassure him that I’m not going anywhere.

My first and only heat was the biggest disaster. It made me feel so fucking bad about myself. I’d never felt that level of self-hatred before in my life. I asked Ryder to help me through it, so I wouldn’t have to deal with it alone. He was there. He was present. He somehow made me hate myself just a little bit less. My body might have been betraying me but Ryder never would. He held me as I cried through it and at the end of it, things between us were never quite the same. He saw me at my worst and took a step back. I can never blame him for that, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting.

Instead of saying any of that, I reach over and squeeze his thigh. “I’m glad you’re doing okay and youromega partsare good to go.”

Ryder taps my hand. “I’m glad yours are gone,” he says softly, turning to give me a smile before his eyes are back on the road.

That’s the thing about Ryder, he loves and accepts me. I cling to that with everything I have. Maybe that’s my problem. I cling to him because he’s all I know. He’s all Iwantto know.

Good god, why am I getting so philosophical with myself right now? A road trip across the country with my best friend isn't the best time to have this amount of self-reflection!

The first day of our road trip goes without any issues or incidents. We start at about 8am and drive until 6 in the evening. After grabbing some food we pull into a cheap motel for the night.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Ryder says as we walk inside. “I got us a room with one giant bed. It was cheaper that way.”

“You know I don’t care,” I tell him, stretching my arms over my head. “We’ve been sharing a bed for years. The only time I’ll stop is when you find an alpha someday,” I say with an amused snort, trying to hide the way those words taste like ash in my mouth.

“I don’t plan on leaving you anytime soon, don’t worry.”

I really shouldn’t find comfort in that, yet my chest feels a tiny bit lighter. “Noted,” I tell him, giving him a little smile before going towards the bathroom. “Do you mind if I shower quick?”

“It’s all yours.”

I’m not hiding. I’mtotallynot hiding. I’m just composing myself. It’s totally different.

After taking a quick shower, I reapply my scent blockers, and make my way back into our little room. Ryder’s eyes take me in and I just barely keep myself from preening. God, I feel like my emotions are all over the place today. One moment I’m thinking about the people back home, then I’m thinking about mine and Ryder’s past, and now I’m thinking about how nice it would be for him to look at me like that but without my clothes in the way. I need to get my shit together.

I flop onto the bed beside Ryder. After carefully putting my glasses on the bedside table, I turn and look at him. “Ready for bed or do you wanna shower?”

“I’ll shower in the morning.”

“Sounds good,” I murmur, tucking myself under the covers. “Good night, Ryder.”

“Night, Ben.”

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