Page 102 of Golden Rule

There are no tears in his eyes, no signs of an oncoming breakdown, but he’s in his head, warring with whatever battle he has raging, things he keeps to himself because he’s been taught that’s what men are supposed to do.

My heart is always soft toward him, even when I’m pissed, so I ball both fists at my sides. It’s all I can do to keep from placing my hands on his face, all I can do to keep from letting him know through my touch that he can let it all out with me.

“I fucked up,” he admits.

Because I agree with him wholeheartedly, I nod.

“Trust me, I know. But I think what it all comes down to is… we need to talk. About everything,” he adds. “Even the things that are easier to avoid right now.”

I take a deep breath, because there’s definitely a lot I’d love to avoid saying, but that approach clearly isn’t doing us any favors.

“And I should have said this earlier, but you’re not a burden to me, Blue. I could never think that. You’re my whole fucking life. Every part of it that’s ever made sense, every part that’s ever mattered.”

Despite still being pissed, I almost lean into the warmth of his hand where it’s pressed to my cheek. But then I remember the words that wounded me during our argument, and I’m suddenly strong again.

“Can we talk when we get home?”

I breathe deep when his question hits the air, feeling at war with myself. I’ve tried talking to him.Severaltimes. And every attempt has been met with hostility. So, now thathe’sready the timing is right?

My body tenses at the idea of it.

I back away from his touch, scoffing at the thought of how he expects me to just bend, fall in line with what he wants when he wants it. Confusion flickers in his eyes as he studies my face, maybe sensing that I’m not softening as easily as I normally would. Eventually, his hand that lingers in the air drops to his side.

“Blue, I just… I think that if we talk through our shit, get to the bottom of everything, we can?—”

“Oh, sonowyou want to talk? Where was all this understanding on themanyoccasions I’ve tried to communicate with you, West.Beforethings got to this point?” And what the hell am I supposed to do now that your real feelings are out on the table?”

I hear his words again, his complaint that so much of his time is spent—wasted—at my appointments. So much that he doesn’t even feel like he has the time or mental capacity to deal with hisownhealth issues.

“Those weren’t…”

His sentence trails off as his head lowers and frustration sets in.

“Thoseweren’tmy real feelings, Blue. I’ve already owned that I fucked up. Things just got out of hand.”

“No,yougot out of hand,” I snap. “I never would’ve said anything even remotely close to what you said tonight.”

The heat of a tear races down my cheek, and I swipe it away, angry with myself for not being able to control my emotions.

“If you thought we should stop with the treatments, you should’ve just told me. PreferablybeforeI put my body through hell.”

I’m breathless when I finish, thinking of the many ways this could’ve gone, thinking of all the heartache he could’ve saved me if he’d just… been fucking honest.

“I feel like I’m on an island by myself.” I have so much more to say, but my throat seizes, forcing me to take a breath before going on. “You let me think we were in this together, but all this time, you’ve just been going through the motions.”

“How the hell can you say that?” He steps closer, anger flashing in his eyes. “I’ve been with you every step of the way, Blue. Through the highs. The lows. Throughevery-fucking-thing.”

“Yeah, but was it out of obligation? Habit maybe? Because you made it pretty fucking clear you’ve wanted to stop for a while now.”

He blows out a breath, pushing both hands through his hair as he steps back. I’m breathing wildly, full of pain and regret. Sadness and guilt.

“Fuck!”

I shudder when he lashes out, his eyes searching the tile because he can’t look at me anymore.

What the hell was I thinking doing this again?

Maybe we just weren’t meant to be parents.

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