Page 40 of Guarded

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Briar opened her eyes in the darkness when the baby’s cries woke her, her heart kicking into overdrive. When she realized it was real and not a dream, she stifled a whimper of exhaustion.

No, no, she begged Rosie silently.Go back to sleep.Please go back to sleep.It was too soon for another feeding. Briar had only fallen asleep a few minutes ago, she was sure of it.

The cries continued.

Matt was somehow still asleep beside her and she didn’t want to wake him because he had to be up early for work. His mother and sister were in the downstairs guestroom and she didn’t want to wake them either.

You wanted this. This is part of being a mom. Get up.

Dragging herself upright, she threw her legs over the side of the bed, pushed to her feet. She felt drunk, weaving on her feet a little as she grabbed her robe from the end of the bed and headed for the door, her eyes still half-closed.

Unable to shake the lingering fog in her brain, she pushed aside the fatigue and stumbled down the hall toward the nursery. Rosie’s cries were now outraged wails of hunger. Briar turned toward the door, slammed into the corner wall and bounced off it on her way by. She cursed, shook her head to clear it as she entered the room.

Shutting the door behind her to muffle Rosie’s cries throughout the rest of the house, Briar didn’t bother flipping on the lamp before picking her daughter up out of the crib and moved to the nursing chair. Rosie stopped crying immediately and began fussing instead, turning her face toward Briar’s chest, rooting impatiently for a breast.

Briar sat in the chair in the dark, pulled her robe and nightgown open to expose her nursing bra, and undid one side. Rosie practically attacked the nipple, and the feel of those gums clamping tight around it made Briar cringe.

She bit her lip, toes curling as the pain rushed through her, the hot needling sensation coming next as the milk began to flow. Rosie swallowed twice then choked, turning her head away.

“No,” Briar whispered, holding the cloth up to stop the milk from spraying everywhere. “Comeon.” She put Rosie back in place, and the baby latched on again, triggering more pain. God, when was this going to get easier? Nursing felt anything but natural to her. She actually dreaded it, and that made her feel like a bad mom.

A few minutes later Rosie began to slow her suckling. “Nuh-uh, you’re going to finish all of it, because I need more than thirty minutes’ sleep at a time,” Briar told her, tapping her little cheek to wake her. Rosie began to suckle faster again, but soon slowed once more.

Briar sighed. Trying to force Rosie to stay awake and eat more was pointless.

She gave up, removed the nearly asleep baby from her breast and lifted Rosie to burp her. She got a tiny one for her efforts, sat and rocked Rosie for another minute. When all seemed calm, she put her back in the crib and crept to the door.

Reaching for the handle, a soft choking sound stopped her. Briar froze. It came again. Whirling, she hit the light. Rosie’s little face was red and no sound was coming out.

She didn’t even remember moving to the crib, just grabbed the baby and banged a firm hand on her back.

A giant wet splash all over the front of her was her reward.

Briar closed her eyes, the smell of regurgitated milk in her nostrils as her daughter began to fuss again from hunger.

Just like that, something inside her broke.

She dropped back into the chair, the wall she’d hidden everything behind these past two weeks suddenly collapsing to dust. And just like that, she crumbled.

The tears she’d held in for so long poured from her without her permission, hard, tight sobs wrenching from her chest. They burned her throat, hurt her ribs. Her heart.

This was horrible. She was overwhelmed. Exhausted wasn’t even strong enough a word for how tired she was. It felt like she was trapped in a dark tunnel and she couldn’t see any light at the end.

What the hell had she done? She’d wanted a child and now she was stuck in this constant hell of sleep deprivation, doubt and pain. She felt so alone. Was too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on.

She couldn’t tell Matt how she really felt. What kind of mother was she to be feeling like this? What would he think of her if he knew? She had never seen Matt so happy, utterly in love with being a dad, while she was falling to pieces. It made her feel even worse.

There was no way to ignore the truth any longer. Her deepest fear about becoming a mother had been realized.

Something was wrong with her, missing inside her. She wasn’t equipped for this. And now their daughter was saddled with a dysfunctional mother for the rest of her life.

Briar’s hand shook as she fumbled with the other side of her bra, managed to get it undone but couldn’t stop crying as she helped Rosie latch on. She clamped her lips together, choked back the sobs as they ripped through her, afraid Matt would hear her. She couldn’t bear for him to see her like this. Couldn’t bear for him to learn the truth.

That his fierce Valkyrie was a fraud, and falling apart under the strain of being a mother.

Chapter Eleven

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