Page 36 of Shattered

He’d been home for almost seven weeks now. His incisions had all healed, his liver and lungs mostly recovered from the trauma he’d sustained, helped along by various meds and expensive hyperbaric chamber treatments covered by the Bureau. But the residual bruising and swelling in the occipital lobe of his brain that contained the visual cortex left him in continual darkness.

Adapting to his new reality was a constant struggle. He had more blah days now than bad or good ones, the headaches were improving. Usually he was able to fight back and conquer the monster of depression, but today…today was bad.

Despair had him pinned down. Day after day he sat here in this chair, carefully placed in this exact position by the occupational therapist who came every other day to work with him. Trying to get him adjusted to his new life.

One he fucking resented with every fiber of his being.

The sense of isolation was the hardest part of losing his vision. Taya was always around, never left him for longer than thirty or forty minutes at a time when she had to run out for groceries or to run errands. But even she couldn’t lift the veil of blackness. Not even her love and support could pull him out of the darkness he’d sunk into, dragged down deeper and deeper until he didn’t know how to claw his way out.

He was trying his best to keep his shit together but days like this he wished he’d died in the explosion instead of having to endure the probability of spending the rest of his life floundering this way. A tragedy caused by a damn drone, of all things.

The Bureau had found and charged a twenty-two-year-old engineering student for operating it inside a restricted area. Due to the severity of the incident, the kid would likely see jail time.

Nate felt no sympathy for him. Because of that fucking moron, people had died and he was goddamnblind.

His hands tightened on the armrests of the chair. The baby was due in another few months. How was he supposed to be a husband and father when he couldn’t even take care of himself?

God, hehatedfeeling this way. The depression train he was riding had pulled away from the station and was rolling along the track, picking up steam with each passing mile. Nate didn’t feel like fighting it today, so he let the chaotic thoughts in his mind continue.

He could barely feed himself, couldn’t even shave his own face. Everything in their condo had been carefully positioned and was never to be moved so much as an inch so that he could memorize it all and navigate his way around with the damn cane he was forced to learn to use. There was no goddamn way he could help take care of a baby.

He’d never get to see his own child. That gutted him more than anything. He’d never see his or her face, never be able to watch a Christmas pageant or throw a ball with them.

Life as he’d known it was over, and what lay ahead was terrifying. His career was done. He’d never serve with the HRT again. How was he supposed to provide for his family if he couldn’t fucking see?

He bit down on the inside of his cheek as mingled rage and despair suffocated him, filling his useless goddamn eyes with hot tears. Here he was, sitting on his ass like a fucking useless ornament, completely dependent on others to look after him. An adult child for Taya to have to take care of during what should have been the happiest time of her life while she prepared to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother.

Releasing a slow, shaky breath, he struggled to pull the chute on the gloomy freefall of depression he was trapped on. He felt bad for how he’d snapped at Taya when she’d tried to talk to him before leaving to run errands. Their marriage was suffering under the constant strain, their sex life practically nonexistent. It was testament to just how bad things had gotten that he rarely even wanted sex these days.

A cheer from the crowd in the background drew his attention back to the game on TV, reminding him of what day and time it was. Monday night.

The team was getting together again at Tuck and Celida’s tonight. The third gathering he’d missed since the accident.

Since he’d come out of the coma the guys had all been great, trying to be there for him, but it killed Nate for any of them to see him this way. Helpless as a baby. Especially DeLuca, who was his idol.

Tuck had shown up last night and tried personally to convince Nate to come to the team function. Then Cruzie had called him this morning, trying to change his mind.

Not happening. Nate hadn’t gone to any of the team functions since he’d left the hospital, and he wasn’t going to this one either. Tuck and DeLuca had both told him that the guy who’d replaced him was only there on a temporary basis, and when Nate was cleared to come back, his spot would be waiting for him.

Bull. Shit.

He wasn’t a part of the team anymore and would never be again. The last thing he wanted was to be an honorary mascot or an object of pity. Better for everyone if he withdrew now, distanced himself from all of them and learned to live without them.

His heightened sense of hearing picked up the muted sounds of a key scraping in the front door lock. He didn’t turn his head toward it but he could feel Taya standing there in the entryway, watching him. Probably trying to judge what kind of mood he was in, figure out if it was safe to try and engage him in conversation.

That made him loathe himself even more.

“It’s quarter after five,” she said, the hesitance in her voice putting him close to tears again. Taya shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around him.

He didn’t mean to take any of this out on her. He loved her. It was just… How could she love him if he was nothing but a burden to her? After everything she’d been through she deserved a hell of a lot more than that. In his darkest moments, Nate allowed himself to consider the possibility of her leaving him down the road. It wasn’t fair for her to be saddled with him and his disability when she had a child to look after.

She cleared her throat. “The get together’s at six. Matt and Sawyer both texted me. Everyone really wants to see you.”

“I’m not going,” he muttered.

Taya was quiet a moment. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” He bit back the angry words gathering at the back of his throat. None of this was her fault. Taya had been nothing but loving and protective since he’d been hurt, even shielding him from his sister and blocking her calls after her pathetic attempts to manipulate Taya while he was still in the induced coma.

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