Page 55 of Alliance

Escaping isn’t easy.

I feel like a conspiracy theorist as I map out my escape plan in the walls of my mind. Looping strings around red pins and staring at my masterpiece, even if it’s just an idea in my head.

First, I ask to visit Lily’s grave, something my mother won’t deny me but also won’t join me for. Ma doesn’t visit Lily’s tomb; to do so, she would need to deconstruct the fictional universe that she’s created. She’d need to admit that her oldest daughter killed herself to escape, and she won’t do that.

So she waves her hand, telling Tony to take me.

The next step is leaving Tony in the car, which is easy. Tony, having known Lily since she was a child, also hates visiting her tomb. It makes it too real for him, and so he sits in the car while I enter the cemetery.

Being out of his watch gives me the opportunity I need. I leave my phone tucked into the backseat and head for Lily’s tomb. I have to walk past it quickly, trying not to look or else I’ll spend too much time talking to her, and she can’t help me now.

My sister, my best friend, is gone. And I’m learning that I need to pick, I can either be alive and live in the moment or I can live in the cemetery, clinging to the past. But I don’t think I can have both. I can’t live with one foot already in the grave.

I give her tomb a wistful glance as I pass.

I walk to the back, to the other side where Naz entered that day weeks ago. I pat myself on the back for the foresight to wear sneakers and athletic pants. It doesn’t take much effort for me to climb over the gate. And then I’m off. Running toward the bus station. There’s enough cash in my pocket for me to pay the fare. I didn’t bring a credit card because I don’t have my own money and I don’t want to be tracked. Instead, I broke my childhood piggy bank and freed a handful of cash.

The bus drops me off a block away from Naz’s apartment, so I walk the rest of the way, checking over my shoulder to make sure no one’s following me.

I hit the buzzer for his unit multiple times, pounding on the thing incessantly before I hear his deep voice growl through the speakers.

“It’s me,” I whisper, my voice coming out so soft, the words broken.

The door makes a clicking noise as it unlocks and I push it open. Naz is waiting for me when I reach his floor, his hand resting on the frame of the door. His shirt is already off, the black swirling ink on display. Black stubble covers his jaw, it’s longer than normal and less neat, like he’s forgotten to trim it. Strands of hair fall over his eye, and I wonder if he’s stopped taking care of himself since that night.

Since I called him in the minutes after my attempt.

It takes him a moment before he remembers to let me in, like his brain has stopped working as he stands in the doorway, staring at me. He blinks hard and moves aside, making room for me. Maybe he’s weighing the consequences of letting me cross that threshold. Another mistake. Another moment where he risks his life. And we both know that there’s no happily ever after for us. That dream has long passed.

Inked fingers reach out to me in what feels like slow motion. My heart beats in my chest at an agonizingly slow pace, the thrumming rhythm holding me hostage. His thumb trails across my cheekbone and his dark eyes hold me in their gaze.

I feel a warmth wash over my body, a sense of comfort I’ve never experienced before. Before him. Everything is before and after Naz. Before my world was turned upside down, my body opened up and turned inside out. Back then, I was someone different, someone docile in her cage. Now I’m the tiger that paces the fence, searching for a way out. For freedom.

“Let’s pretend.” I wet my lips. “That nothing outside these four walls exists.”

His eyes sparkle in the dim lighting of his apartment. “Nothing except us, huh?”

I can’t help the smile that spreads across my lips as I listen to his answer. Nothing but us, I think that sounds perfect. “Yeah,” I say.

The door shuts and his hands find me before the lock latches. His fingers trail over my skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Sweet kisses are pressed to my neck, his lips soft against my flesh. His body presses me back against the kitchen counter, the warmth envelopes me, casting a safety net over my body.

For once, I feel protected, washed in warmth and light.

“I’m still mad at you,” he tells me, nipping at the spot where my neck and my shoulder meet. “You can’t do that to me, baby, you can’t scare me like that.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, meeting his lips with my own, kissing him in a way I hope portrays my apology, whispering the words that only my soul knows. Displaying my love for him.

“I need you to promise me, baby, I need you to promise me that you’ll never give up. You’ll never try to leave this world again. Because you, Lana Romano, are everything to me. I know that you’ll never be mine, that I can’t have you, but I don’t care. I will love you through every second. No matter whose ring sits on your finger or whose last name is on your mailbox, you will always be mine.”

I want to push away the tears that threaten to blur my eyes. There’s a weight that sits on my chest, crushing me. My lungs tighten, fighting to pull in every breath, but even with that looming feeling, I can feel the warmth on my skin. Sunshine radiates from Naz, his warmth addictive. He feels like pure light.

I live for these moments. These stolen kisses and seconds of passion. His fire matches mine, the flames dancing along my flesh, captivating me in the best possible way.

I want to burn in this moment forever, my heart and my soul belongs to him, but I know my body doesn’t. My hand, my life, was promised to someone else.

No matter how many roots Naz plants in my soul, no matter how much my heart begs for his touch. I still don’t belong to him.

“No,” I whisper, shaking my head at the same time. “There’s a life for you after me. There’s a wife and a family and normalcy. There is happiness out there for you, and you deserve it, every fucking second of this.” My fingers grip onto his shoulders and a lone tear falls down my cheek. “Take it, please take it. Don’t wait for me. Don’t love me.”

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