Page 24 of Cowboy SEAL Christmas

“I think you’re a great friend.”

“Feels like there’s abutin there.”

Becca chuckled. “This is not a criticism, and I’m only saying it because you asked. Sometimes you have a habit of saying things as if that’s just the way it should be. Because you know what you’re talking about. I don’t know if that’s being a mom or a therapist, and actually, I really appreciate it. I admire the way you seem to know exactly what to say and you’re sure of yourself. You don’t waver. I wish I could be more like that.”

“Not everyone appreciates it,” Monica mumbled, thinking irritably of Gabe. But maybe he had a point. She was always trying to get a read on him, trying to devise a plan of mental health action. She felt like that was her role, but maybe…

“No. Not everyone is going to appreciate a woman who knows what needs to be done,” Becca said, handing Pal’s reins to Monica and giving her a meaningful look. “But if you mean Gabe…”

“I don’t mean Gabe,” Monica said automatically as she took the reins with too much of a tug. But that’s who she had meant, and lying didn’t help anyone. “Not him only. I just mean…I don’t know what I mean. Ignore me.”

“I will not ignore you. Because I know you wouldn’t ignore me. Or anyone here. You’re my friend. You’re my maid of honor. You wouldn’t be that if I didn’t love you. So, spill. You clearly need to.”

“But I don’twantto,” Monica replied, knowing she sounded petulant. She wanted a moment to be that childish, selfish thing inside of her. But as she smoothed her hand down Pal’s mane, she felt calm. Working with the horses gave her that.

“Youdowant to, or you wouldn’t have started talking. I’ve learned a few things from watching you interact with Jack and Alex. Now, go.”

Monica couldn’t help but be amused. Becca said what she meant and knew when she was right. She just hadn’t learned to trust it completely yet. No doubt she would, and in short order.

“I don’t know how to explain this thing,” Monica admitted, and that was hard for a therapist to admit—that she couldn’t verbalize this jumble inside of her. She wassupposedto understand it.

But you’re not supposed to beat yourself up about not understanding. You’re just supposed to try.“I feel like everything is rolling out of my control,” she said, hating that it boiled down to things sheknewshe couldn’t control. But feelings and what youknewdidn’t always line up, no matter that she had trouble accepting it.

“Colin was upset about that cow, and I took it out on Gabe,” Monica continued, stroking Pal while Becca led the second horse out of its stall. “I’m letting Colin go stay with my parents by himself for a week. The thought fills me with terror when I should be thrilled that I get a week to myself.” And because Monica couldn’t stand to only discuss the personal stuff and let the spotlight be on her as a person, she had to bring up the other thing that had been niggling at her. “I know the two men scheduled to arrive in January didn’t express any interest in the therapeutic horsemanship.”

Becca handed her a brush, and then they worked in tandem to brush down the horses. It was a rote activity that often relaxed and helped people discuss what might be plaguing them. It was a safe space to talk and discuss coping mechanisms.

But if the men didn’t want this…

“No, they didn’t sign up for it yet,” Becca confirmed as though it wasn’t a big, huge point of worry. “But that doesn’t mean they won’t. I think they have to get here and see it before we’re going to have men really want to get into it.”

“On a good day, I believe that.”

“And on a bad day?”

As much as she’d wanted to wait to broach the subject until after Becca’s wedding, maybe now was the best time. “I love this place, and I know I have built this program with you. But a foundation also has to operate within cost, and if no one is using my therapy services, then you are not operating in cost.”

“You think we’d get rid of you because of that?” Becca demanded, forgetting her brushing and staring wide eyed at Monica. “We’d never get rid of you.”

“You have to be willing to,” Monica replied firmly, focusing on Pal because if she looked at Becca’s horrified, green eyes, she was afraid she’d get emotional over it. “The foundation is running on grants and, hopefully at some point, charitable investments. You can’t afford to have a part of your program not performing.”

“You built this program. You are a part of Revival, and more, you and Colin are part of our family. On the off chance that none of these men see the value in this, we would find a different space for you. Nothing is going to make me give up on this program, and if we have to separate it from Revival, then we will. But I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“You’ve clearly considered failure, or you wouldn’t have all those ideas.”

Becca waved it away, turning back to brushing down the horse. “Maybe, but only because it’s smart to have a backup plan. I don’t think we’ll need it. And you shouldn’t either.”

“Like I said, on a good day…”

“Why is this a bad day?” Becca asked casually, and Monica knew she was using the therapeutic strategies on her. Monica found she didn’t care.

“I don’t know. I just feel off and out of control, and I hate it.”

“You sound like Alex.”

“I think one of the reasons Alex and I make a good therapist-patient fit is because I do understand his controlling tendencies.”

“You know, I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a single mom. I watched my mom do it for a lot of years. She was overprotective to the point of stifling. You’re not like that.”

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