Page 111 of Cowboy SEAL Homecoming

Chapter 25

Alex couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Of all the ways he had expected things to go wrong with Becca, this certainly wasn’t one of them.

He had never expected her to push for more. Certainly not after almost a month. But here she was, standing up for more, and maybe he should’ve known this would happen all along.

Becca had learned to go after what she wanted. She’d grown into the kind of woman who’d not just ask for it, but demand it.

Why couldn’t she give him more time? He could give these things to her. Soon even. He just had to finish a few projects, then things would get better.

Why wasn’t she giving him the damn time? “So you love me, but this isn’t going to work out because I can’t be exactly what you want me to be right this second?”

Tears shimmered in her eyes. He had to look away from that.

“Alex, I’m not asking you to be anyone but yourself,” she said in an even voice that grated along his skin. “You can be anal and a neat freak and plan as much as you need to. You can be Mr. Strong and In Charge. But I will not let you shut me out. Not because it hurts me so much, even though it does, but because it is hurting you. Because I love you, and I care about you, and I want you to be okay and happy, and you are not. You’ve gotten worse.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You don’t think I’ve noticed how little you sleep and how hard you work? How you’re trying to exhaust yourself, all so you don’t have to deal with whatever’s haunting you? You’ve lost weight. Your color is off. I haven’t said anything because I didn’t think it was my place.”

“I have not lost weight.”

“My ass. Look at your pants.”

He glanced down at his buttoned pants, and yes, they hung a little low, but honestly weight loss was to be expected. He’d spent the past year visiting hospitals and driving around in Texas. He’d worked out, but his life hadn’t been hard ranch work.

The weight loss made sense. It did.

“You are doing everything in your power to ignore this. But the one thing you have refused to accept is that maybe you can’t ignore it. Maybe it is part of you. And maybe pushing it away and pretending like it’s not there is making everything worse.”

That was when he knew what this was really about. Because something had to be pushing her here and not just him being unwilling to share her bed at night.

“Jack told you, didn’t he?”

Her eyebrows drew together. “Told me what?”

There was something clawing at him and he had to breathe through it, remain calm, form a battle plan to survive. It was what he did. Who he was.

“Alex, what do you think Jack told me?”

“Nothing.”

Becca shook her head, some of those tears spilling over. “I can’t do this. I can’t…I can’t be shut out of things. Secrets aren’t fair. To me or to you.”

“This is not love,” he muttered. She wanted to act like she loved him? Love was… Well, it wasn’t pissing on a person, that was for sure.

“Sometimes I wonder if you even know what love is. Maybe you’re so bound to duty and responsibility, you wouldn’t know it if it bit you in the ass. I don’t want to fight with you. All I want to do is love you. And hold you. And help you. I want you to want the same for me. But it can’t be one-sided.”

“Why the hell not?” he blurted out. He would protect her. He would love her in his way. She just had to accept that there were some things to be…avoided.

She shook her head, those tears on her cheeks killing him slowly.

“I don’t know,” she croaked. “If I could make it one-sided, I would. If I could ignore this one thing for everything else, I would. But I don’t know how. I have been trying for weeks. The other night, I let you go even though it broke my damn heart. I kept telling myself this is too good and too right to throw away for something so trivial.”

She closed her eyes as more tears fell over and he had to look away again.

“But I knew. Deep down I knew you wouldn’t… You’re so married to this idea of yourself as the strong leader that you will not let your guard down for anything. All I’m asking is for you to let me in. I’m not asking for anything else. You just need to let me know what’s going on.”

But she was asking for him to change the very essence of who he was, who he’d been since he’d found that control after Mom’s accident. She was asking him to admit things that weren’t true. At all. So maybe things had felt a little worse lately, but he was fixing it. He was finding a way to recover before the shrink got here. Becca wasn’t giving him time. With enough time, he would make it all right.

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