Page 110 of Cowboy SEAL Homecoming

She could only stare at him as she tried to work that out. “Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want, but I won’t put you in danger.”

“I’m not afraid of you, Alex.” She could tell he was really struggling with something, but he did it all so internally. So under the surface. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re thinking?”

But he was quiet, clearly working it out on his own. “I’m sorry if you feel like I’m not giving you something.”

“Stop apologizing!” she said, surprised when it came out on a yell. Surprised to find her breathing uneven and tears stinging her eyes. But he wasn’t getting it. “I am not asking you to apologize.”

“Then what are you asking me to do?” he yelled right back. “Tell you I love you? Sleep next to you? Those are things I cannot do right now. But I am working on it.”

“How?”

He shook his head. “Just trust that I am.”

“No. No. You can’t even tell me what you’re doing? How you’re trying to ‘fix it.’ I don’t want you fixed. I just want you to be willing to open up to me. To tell me what’s going on. To sleep in my bed and let me hold you through a nightmare. I just want you to trust me with it, not think you have to put yourself in some kind of order for me to love you. You’ll never be perfect, Alex. I don’t expect you to be. I don’t want you to be. I’m not perfect. I love you no matter what. But love means giving all of yourself to a person, even when you feel…whatever it is you’re feeling. I don’t even know! You won’t tell me.”

“I can’t do that.”

She closed her eyes against the pain. She’d known. Oh, she’d hoped love might change him, fool that she was, but she’d known all along. He couldn’t let anyone see him as less. Not his friends, not himself. He’d essentially run away from home rather than let his father see him struggle with his father’s new life, new family. He’d worked himself to the bone these past few months instead of giving himself any kind of break.

He thought he had to be perfect to be loved, and she didn’t know how to fight that. She thought the answer had been love, but…maybe it wasn’t her love.

“I think you should leave,” she said, her voice breaking on that last word.

She got him, knew she got him down to his soul. She just couldn’t convince him that opening up to her wasn’t the worst thing in the world. She couldn’t change him.

And he refused, refused to even try. For her. It wasn’t worth it. If he couldn’t love her back, and he couldn’t open up to her, then why was she spending all her time and energy hoping for different? It was stupid. It was foolish. She couldn’t force him to trust her.

She had a life to live. To build. If he wasn’t going to give himself over to being part of that foundation, then she had to accept it and move on. Now. Before it got any harder.

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