Page 56 of The Reluctant Wife

He narrows his gaze. “Are you?”

“I am.” I take a step in his direction, wanting to go to him, but the tension radiating off of him forms an invisible wall I don’t dare attempt to scale. I settle for holding his gaze and infusing everything I’m feeling into my voice.

“I wasn’t thinking straight. I was being selfish. I panicked at the thought that I might never get a chance to be with you.” I swallow. “I knew, if I gave you my virginity it would be incredible. I thought I’d have, at least, some memories to hold onto when things got tough in the future. I wanted something just for me.”

He listens to me without a hint of emotion on his features.

I wring my fingers. “Only, I didn’t realize how thoughts of you have become so much a part of me that I’ll never be able to forget you.” I lower my chin. “I knew it would be intense with you, and it was. It waseverything.”

A nerve throbs above his jawline. He doesn’t say anything, and I wring my hands. I feel terrible for what happened.How could I have been this selfish? How could I have not realized how much it was going to affect him when he found out about my upcoming marriage? How could I have been this blind to how much anguish this was going to cause him?

“I am so sorry, Ryot. Please, can you forgive me?”

His left eyelid twitches. "You used me. You didn’t care what that would do to me?"

“I... I...” I’m not sure what to say. Nothing I say is going to help redeem this situation. I’m the one at fault. I made a huge mistake. I was only thinking of myself. “I... Somehow, I thought it wouldn’t mean much to you.”

I flinch as I say the words, realizing just how self-absorbed and insensitive I sound. And I am all of that.

“I’m to blame. It’s all my fault. I was only thinking of myself. Guess for all my hate of my background and privilege, I’ve acted exactly like how an entitled, pampered person born into money would.” I hang my head.

I feel horrible inside. My stomach twists in on itself. I taste bile on my tongue and am sure I’m going to be sick. And then, as if I can’t stop myself, like a gush of vomit, the words pour out.

“Somehow, I thought you’d welcome the chance to sleep with me, then walk away." I laugh bitterly.

OMG, that sounds terrible. I can’t believe that my self-esteem is so in the toilet I would think that. Worse, how could I say that aloud to him?

He glares at me.

“I know that sounds terrible. And I’m not saying you’re callous enough to have done that, but it’s also not like we made any promises to each other either.”

His jaw clenches.

“And don’t most men welcome the chance to walk away after sleeping with a woman without any strings attached?” My voice tapers off.

With each word I speak, his gaze grows fiercer.

When he speaks, his voice is hard enough to cut glass. “You thought I’d sleep with you and that it wouldn’t affect me, so you decided not to tell me that you were going to marry someone else? You didn’t give me a choice in the matter.”

I flush. I’m an awful person. I judged him so harshly. I should have known better. He's been nothing but kind and considerate toward me, and I assumed the worst.

Ididhurt him. And I hurt myself even more. I feel a gaping hole in my chest, like someone just ripped out my heart. And that someone was me. I deflate. Still, I have to explain myself.

"I’m sorry I made assumptions about what you would or wouldn't do. I’m sorry I didn’t give you all the facts and allow you to decide for yourself. I really am.”

Anger, then something like sympathy, flashes in his eyes. How confusing. He looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time.

"It’s one thing that you thought my being with you wouldn’t mean anything." His voice has a tone of resignation. "What bothers me more is that’s what you thoughtyoudeserve.”

27

Ryot

"What do you mean?" Her forehead creases.

Not only is she putting herself down, but she’s not even realizing that’s what she’s doing. Doesn't she know she's beautiful? Addicting? She’s the most perfect woman in the world, and she’s not aware of it.

"Do you think so little of yourself that you can’t believe I might want more than a one-time sexual encounter?" I say slowly. "Well twice, if you count the earlier spanking."

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