Page 103 of Rope Me In

Tears burn at the corners of my eyes. Gavin’s finally saying the things I’ve wanted him to say for so long. I know his apology is genuine—I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. While it doesn’t make up for everything that’s happened, I can’t deny I feel a tiny bit of relief from his honesty.

But his question is a hard one to answer, because in many ways, I feel like I’ve been lost—not only from my family, but also from myself—for a long time now. I don’t even know if I’ve ever truly been found.

“I don’t know,” I voice. “I’m sorry.”

Gavin sits back in his chair and exhales a shuddering breath while Momma weeps and Gran tries to console her. The urge to leave hits me hard again as the pain I’m causing by speaking my truth to my family weighs on me.

“Tell me what I can do to make this better, Kade, and I’ll do it,” Gavin pleads. “I’ll sign the ranch over to you—we’ll stop the dude ranch and sell the land if you want—but you mean more than any of it. I mean that, little brother. We don’t want to lose you. Please, tell me what we can do.”

Everyone at the table stops breathing at his offer, including me. My ears ring, and I swear my heart is beating so loud the room can hear it. My eyes are locked with Gavin’s, his hopeful gaze shooting a dagger through my heart. He’s just offered me everything I wanted, everything I was asking for. But it all feels wrong.

My shoulders hang heavy as I try to think of the words to say, but none come to me. The dinner in my stomach churns violently as the darkness inside of me threatens to flood through my entire being. I stand up from my spot at the table so fast I see black spots behind my eyelids.

“I think I’m going to go.”

Gavin gets up and takes a few steps toward me. “Don’t run away from this, Kade. Please. We can talk this through.”

I force a small smile on my face. He’s right; wecouldtalk this through. But there’s a reason the offer he gave me felt wrong—it’s because I don’t think this is what I want anymore. More than that, Gavin and Blake do a fine job of running this place. When I look at them together, I know they’re happy. It makes me wonder if the land has ever truly been as much of a burden to Gavin as I thought or if I was blinded by Dad’s words and actions.

Presley’s caring eyes appear in my mind, and I think of our conversation at Devil’s Rock, a conversation I’ve repeated to myself many times since then. What if she’s right? What if this is my opportunity to try to find myself outside of Randall, outside of the Montgomery Family Ranch and the plans my dad had for me?

The idea sparks something in my soul, but at the same time, a nagging voice in my head says it’s impossible, that I don’tdeserve to have more. That all I get is to be a prisoner to this place until the day I get buried alongside Emmett Montgomery.

“Kade?”

I blink and refocus on my brother’s stubbled jaw.

“Talk to me, little brother.”

My gaze sweeps over my family and Blake sitting at the table. Their concerned faces only add to how badly I feel right now. I turn back to Gavin and lean in to hug him. The action shocks him, but I keep hugging him until his arms slide around my waist. I pat him on the back, ignoring the eyes I can feel watching us. “This is your ranch, Gav. You and Blake have done what Dad couldn’t, what I’m not even sure I could do. You saved it.”

He pulls away and shakes his head. I know he’s confused by my words, and maybe I am, too. But I need him to know what I’m thinking. “You’re part of that. You’ve helped more than you know—”

“It’s okay.” I stop him. “You don’t have to placate me. I’m a big boy.” I clap my hands on his arms and step back then look at my family and Blake. “I’m fine. Really.” The lie is a bitter pill to swallow, but I can’t stay here anymore.

“Kade,” Gavin tries again. “Please, stay.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible—and I mean that.” While I meant a lot of the things that I said, I’m seeing things a lot clearer. In a way, my anger with Gavin has stemmed from me not understanding we’ve been fighting for the same things. We’ve both wanted to protect each other in our own way. And as far as Momma, Gran, and Blake go, I know they love me and just want to support me. They didn’t deserve what I said to them, even if I was in pain.

Everyone at this table has done the best they could, and I think I need to figure out my own shit now. Without them trying to fix or save me.

I look at the clock and see it’s close to seven. Presley is probably getting ready to go onstage soon, and I’m itching toget to her. I bet she’s off to the side of the stage saying her words to herself and mustering up the bravery I’ve watched her build.

Thinking of her smile makes a little bit of that darkness cease. Maybe it’s time I learned from her. Maybe it’s time I faced whatever it is I’m feeling inside head on.

“Kade,” Momma says. “Just sit, and we’ll talk more. We can talk about something else, catch up. You can tell us what’s been going on between you and the city girl.”

I smile a little. “Presley. Her name is Presley.” My heart skips a beat as I say her name. “I need to go.”

“Kade,” Gavin tries one more time.

I press my hand into his shoulder and squeeze. “I’m fine, okay? I just need some space to think. And I promised Presley I’d be at Night Hawk tonight.”

His pupils dart back and forth as if he’s searching for a lie. Eventually, he releases a tense breath and nods. “I love you, little brother.”

I bring him into another hug. He holds me tighter this time, and when I pull back, his eyes are watery.

Before I leave, I hug Momma and kiss her on the cheek. I tell her I love her and that I’m sorry before kissing Gran and Blake on the crowns of their heads and saying the same. Then I walk out the door and pull in a long breath of earthy night air.

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