Page 102 of Rope Me In

But I don’t scream any of that. I don’t say anything at all, because I know it would fall on deaf ears.

“We want to help you,” Gavin says. “We love you.”

I turn my attention to my big brother, the man I looked up to when we were kids despite his faults. No man is perfect, but to me, he was always one of the good ones. I see that he cares for me. Iknowthat he cares for me. But how can he not understand his methods are wrong?

“I don’t need to be saved by you, Gavin.” My eyes turn to the rest of them before they land on Blake. “I don’t need to be saved by any of you.”

“Kade,” Blake says softly. “I’ll admit this isn’t how we should’ve approached you. It was wrong of us, but we just want to talk. What you think and feel is important to us. It’s not about saving you; it’s about helping you get better.”

“And none of you need help?” I ask. They all stare at me like I have two heads. My eyes bounce from Gavin to Momma and then to Gran. “Do you really think that by fixing me, we fix this family? I’m sorry, but I’m not the only one who’s broken.” Silence fills the room, and they know damn well I’m right. “Dad dying exposed the cracks is all. But this family was broken long before that.”

A soft, painful sound breaks from Momma’s lips, cracking my heart open.

“What do you mean by that, Kade?” Gavin asks.

I blink at him, surprised by his question, that he’s not yelling at me to apologize to our Momma or telling me it’s not true. His green gaze bores into mine, and for once, I feel as if he might be listening.

“Y’all thought you knew him, but you didn’t. You didn’t see the side I saw. You didn’t see his constant drinking to escape his thoughts and ease his tired body. You weren’t there when we drank ourselves stupid most nights and he talked about what a burden this place was to keep going.”

“We have a good life here,” Gran interrupts. “Your daddy loved this place. He didn’t think it was a burden.” Her tone is that of a mother defending her late son.

I huff. “I’m not saying he didn’t love it. He did. But it was a burden. It still is.” My gaze finds Gavin’s again. “Why do you think he said he’d leave this place to me?”

Gavin crosses his arms over his chest. His eyes are filled with pain. “Why?”

I lick my lips, slightly shocked he’s still listening. “Because, Gav, I’m already damaged.”

“Kade,” Momma argues.

“No, let me say this.” I swallow hard. “Dad wanted to leave the land to me because I understand what it takes to maintain it. Blood, sweat, tears, sacrifice, and a lot of heartbreak. He looked at you, Gav, and he knew without you even having to say it that you wanted to leave Randall. Even though you’re older than me, your mind wasn’t soiled by the harshness of this place. Despite what you may think, you were always happier, more optimistic than I ever was. This place, this land, it hadn’t left its mark on you yet. Not like it had on me.”

Gavin studies me, processing what I just said. I know it’s hard for him to understand or see what Dad’s words and my relationship with him did to me, and it’s hard for me to explain. I may have always come off as a flirty boy who told jokes and smiled a lot, but ever since I was old enough to be Dad’s buddy, that genuine part of me was gone—or should I say, buried. I’m starting to see that, for so many years now, I’ve played the part of the carefree younger son, and I fooled everyone into believing that was the real me when really, I care too much. I feel too much.

The bridge of my nose stings as I continue to stare into my big brother’s eyes. “I hate that he left the place to you, Gav. Not because I’m jealous, but because now it’s ruined you. Dad’s lies, his truth, the burden of keeping this place running, it’s marked you now, too. It’s marked all of us.”

“Kade,” Gavin says, his voice so pained it hurts me deep down into my soul. “You can’t really believe that.”

The words I’ve never spoken out loud until now settle deep into my tired bones, and I finally let them free. “You were his oldest son. You were everything to him. I was his buddy, his friend. I loved him, but he primed me to take this land, Gavin, to live here forever. This life wasn’t meant for you.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s true. I can understand why you’d believe that, but while I’ll admit I thought of a different life for myself, this land has always been my home. This is my way of life, and if you’d stop and think for a second, you’d understand why I lied about the state Dad left us in. Not only did I want to protect his memory, but I was also trying to protect you from having to deal with the burden of Dad’s mistakes.”

“It’s not the same, though; he didn’t want this for you.”

“But at some point, he did, because he left the land to me even if he told you he’d buck the tradition. But despite all that—I’ve told you this many times before, but I’ll say it again, so, please, hear me this time—no matter whose name is on the deed, this is our family’s property. A piece of paper doesn’t mean anything. We all share in the burden of it.” He reaches over to Blake, resting his hand on top of hers. “All of us.”

“If what you say is true, Gav, then why have you kept me out of everything? I told you multiple times that I wanted to help. Then after the accident, I tried to warm up to the idea of the dude ranch, but you all kept me out of the big decisions. You even left me out of the land sublease conversation, the ideaIgave you.”

Gavin looks down at his hand over Blake’s. When he looks back into my eyes, I can see the apology and regret that lies in them. “I take responsibility for that. I could see you were struggling long before you started drinking again. You were withdrawn after the accident and healing, so I didn’t want to risk you falling backward and ruining the relationship I thoughtwe were rebuilding.” He pauses again, the muscles of his throat flexing as he swallows. “When you got the all clear from your doctor, I thought things would get better for you, that with you back on your feet, we’d be able to include you more. But then you started drinking and sleeping around, and with the way we argued…I got scared.”

“Scared of what?”

The small kitchen goes quiet, and I feel like we’re all frozen in time. Anxiety tickles the back of my neck, and my jaw ticks.

“Scared of what, Gavin?”

“Of losing you!” The loud boom of his admission seems to bounce off the walls. He’s not normally one to yell like that, so it shocks us all. A soft cry escapes from Momma, and I stare in stunned silence at the wide eyes of my brother.

“Goddammit, Kade,” he says, quieter this time. “I love you. And I’m so sorry for this mess, for everything, including tonight. I’ve been trying to do the right thing, and instead, I’ve done a lot of things wrong. I swear, no matter how misguided I was, everything I did was because I thought I could help you and protect you. But in that process, I feel as if I’ve lost you.” When I don’t say anything, he asks, “Have I lost you, Kade?”

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