Page 47 of Eternal Hoptimist

The guys gaped at me.

“He’s going to Kansas with you to attend a city council meeting? What is he, the sexy lawyer version of Leslie Knope?” Austin’s voice went high.

“You kinda have some Ben Wyatt vibes. I can see it.” Ty nodded decisively.

“I thought you weren’t dating?” Dom asked.

“We’re not. He’s coming to help me out.”

“He’s taking time off work and bought airfare inthiseconomy to fly to Kansas. In winter.” Ty kept blinking at me. I might’ve broken him.

I shifted in my chair. My skin itched as my brain raced to come up with a reasonable explanation. “He’s just a nice guy who offered to help as part of his end of the arrangement. It’s not a big deal, okay? Please don’t make it one.”

They all shared a look. Ty leaned forward in this chair. Dom frowned. Hurt flashed across Austin’s face.

“What?”

“What kind of arrangement?” Austin asked softly.

Oh fuck.I blew out a rough breath and explained our deal. The original version, at least. “It’sreallynot a big deal. I’m pretending to be his boyfriend temporarily to help him get a promotion while he’s helping me with Rosie. It’s saving me money I don’t have for a lawyer.”And giving me the satisfaction of a relationship without putting my heart on the line.“I’m exchanging my time for some dinners and legal support.”And hot sex.

We’d swapped quick blowjobs last week when he surprised me with his offer before the guys got home and caught us in a compromising position. So fucking worth it.

Our sexting had ratcheted up, and we’d video chatted the other night, both jerking off while I verbally edged him till he came so hard a drop of cum hit his phone screen. He took direction beautifully.

“That’s your dating smile. Your ‘I’m thinking about the person I’m gone for’ smile. You can’t sit there and tell me you’re not dating Parker,” Ty accused.

I wanted to shout,so what if we are? Who cares about my stupid self-imposed ban? This is different.But was it? Those thoughts sobered me faster than the time Ty threw me into an icy river when we got drunk camping. I cared about my ban. It’d barely been a month, far too soon to give up. I still didn’t trust myself to make healthy decisions about who to date and when to leave. If I fell into a relationship with the first guy I met after making my New Year’s resolution, I shouldn’t have bothered to make a change at all. I owed myself more than that.

I hated being terrified of being alone. Hated craving validation so much that I immediately fell into something with the next available person, whether Iactuallyliked them. Hated repeating the cycle and not giving myself time to figure out why I bounced between people who weren’t right for me. What did I need so desperately to make it worth putting myself through the hurt each and every time?

“He’s my friend. His family are customers, part of our community. That’s it. His joining me in Kansas is helping sell the relationship story to his job anyway. By telling them he needs to help his boyfriend with a family thing, they think we’re more serious.” I tried to explain the complexities Parker faced at his job. “But you can’t say anything. His family doesn’t know we’re pretending to be a couple. No one does except for you three. Seriously. I invoke the promise.”

They all pressed the pad of their pinky against their thumb, then smoothed their eyebrows in our ancient, dorky version of a pinky swear.

“Well, if youweredating, I’d approve. Parker seems like a decent guy, even if it’s fake. It’s nice he’s trying to help you and Rosie. None of your exes did anything half that kind,” Austin said.

“I agree. It’s not like you’ve dated a train of assholes, but this is different. You’re the one so hell-bent on avoiding dating, which I still don’t get. You not dating is like me not fucking. It’s just…wrong.” Ty shuddered.

I hated to admit it, but he wasn’t wrong. Itfeltdifferent with Parker, which was how I knew it was fake. I bent over backward to shower my partners with affection and twist myself into someone desirable to keep their interest as long as I could manage. People didn’t do that out of love.

“But when you start dating and then break up, at least you’ll have gotten free legal help out of it.” Ty smiled, oblivious of how his words hit the bullseye. If they knew we were having sex, they would start placing bets on when Parker would dump me. No, I needed to keep that to myself. Keeping that part of my relationship with Parker secret would save me half the pain when it ended because the guys wouldn’t tease me. I knew they meant well, but it still hurt.

Fortunately, the conversation shifted to less stressful topics, but Austin kept watching me. I didn’t want to ruin our last night together in the house. As always, the tension eased. We might bicker, overstep, and worry too much about each other, but we were still family. Chosen family. Stronger than blood because we picked each other.

Later, after we split off to do our own thing for the rest of the night, I lay in bed and texted Parker about being bummed over Austin moving out.

A few minutes later, there was a gentle knock on my door. Austin came in after waiting the agreed-upon five seconds per dorm rules still in effect to give the visited party a chance to stop visitors from awkward encounters. After Ty’s sock fell off his and Austin’s doorknob, and Austin got an eyeful he never wanted of his cousin, we’d needed a better system.

Without a word, Austin came in and lay next to me. Like old times when one of us was homesick, got a poor grade on a test, got in a fight with whoever we were dating, got dumped, or was pissed off about our jobs. Even when we moved into this house, we would quietly whisper about our fears over the brewery, our hopes and dreams, and wondering if we could pull it off.

I tucked my phone under my pillow and stared at the ceiling.

“You weren’t with an old friend from Kansas when you stayed in Portland a couple of weeks ago, were you?”

I sighed.I hate lying.“I wasn’t. I went to a fundraiser with Parker. He offered to let me crash in his extra bedroom in case I wanted to drink.” Which was technically the truth. I hoped Austin didn’t push for details.

“You know, it’s okay if you like him. Some silly resolution doesn’t mean you should ignore the possibility of something real. Something worthy of you.”

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