Page 83 of The Bargain

“Are you telling me I need to forgive him?” I asked, our previous conversation still reeling in my mind.

“No, I would never. You should never do anything you don’t truly believe is right for you.”

I threw a few pieces of bread at the ducks, slowly bringing them closer.

“All I’m saying is that just put things into perspective. I just don’t want you to make a wrong judgment of character. Dean is not easy to love, that’s certain, but I suspect that everything he did was out of desperation and self-preservation.”

She looked at me as I threw more bread. I wasn’t sure what I could say.

“But with Dean, never do anything you are not certain you want to do. Part of his fear is also due to our mother’s fickle nature. If you want to forgive him, do, but if you're not certain, then don’t do anything until you are because uncertainty will cause more damage than you think.” The love for her brother was unmistakable in her voice.

“I do care for him,” I admitted. That was an understatement. What I felt for him was much more than care and I was a little ashamed of that fact given all of the humiliation and horror he’d caused.

“I know you do. It’s evident because no matter how infuriating my brother is, he is just as able to bring greatness as he is to bring darkness. He feels very powerfully, my brother, both the good and the bad.”

“He’s forgotten about us.” I finally admitted what I’ve been suspecting. That he’s gone on with his life, that I was just a bleep on his radar, nothing more despite the fact that he’d asked me to stay. What if he had asked again? Would I have stayed?

She let out a humorless laugh. “I suspect it’s quite the contrary, actually. I suspect he’s missing you both.”

I shrugged as if it didn’t matter, but it did. I wanted him to miss me too, to want me too...to regret me too.Stupid, silly, naive girl, the voice in my head taunted, a voice quite similar to the man I hated missing.

Dean Beaumont missing me? I shook my head. That was just a stupid, stupid thought. The man was an island. An island full of bitterness and anger.

But the horror of it all? I longed for that Island.

“Time will tell,” I replied, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach.

She nodded. “I presume it will.”

I wasn’t sure why I’d gone back to the estate. I had no business being here and yet here I was.

Turning in my leather chair, I looked out of the window to the gardens Amber had loved so much. I sighed, looking down at the tumbler of bourbon I was holding.

The house felt so cold, so empty with an ominous sense of loneliness. Not something I’d ever felt here before, but that was before her… Amber, a ray of sunshine pouring through despite the greyness of her life. Despite the pain I’d caused her, she shone through. She didn’t let life or me smother her light and for that I was grateful.

“You look like a poor SOB.”

I rolled my eyes. “Is that the clinical term?” I asked, turning around to look at my sister, secretly grateful that she’d interrupted my thoughts.

“It should be.” She sat down as if she owned the place and, in many ways, she did.

“Still haven’t learned how to knock I see.”

She shrugged. “What can I say, Deano? It’s my rebellious streak.”

I snorted. “You overused that card when you were a teenager.”

She winked. “And you stood up for me when it mattered.”

“How could I not? The fact that my little sister was gay didn’t change who she was or her value in my eyes.” I’d stood by her side and smothered all the criticisms that the well-thinking bigots from our extended circle may have voiced concerning Lea’s sexual preferences.

She was wearing a pair of faded blue jeans and a cheap tee-shirt. With her hair up in a high ponytail and her face bare of make-up, she didn’t look her age at all and she certainly didn’t look like the eminent psychiatrist she was. No wonder I’d made the same mistake with Amber; I was used to women looking younger than they were.Are you trying to excuse your actions?

“I saw Amber in Philly.”

I froze, had I just spoken her name out loud? No, of course not. My sister was just that infuriatingly good. Fucking mind ninja. I nodded, intending to change the subject, but at the last second, I found I couldn't help myself. “How is she?”

“You’d know if you visited.”

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