Page 63 of Lose You to Find Me

“Hisoutdatedwork,” Mom all but grumbles. “Where are you going anyway?”

“Like I said. Out.”

“You’re avoiding the question, which means it does have to do with Caleb. You’re not together again, are you? I thought you moved on from that. You wanted to focus on finishing your degree, finding a practice that would set you up with good benefits and a financial future. I thought theremayhave been someone, but I was hoping it was something fun for you. Not serious or sneaky.”

Ew.Mom thinks I’ve been sneaking out to hook up with someone random? I mean, I guess she’s not entirely wrong, not that I’d consider Caleb random. But there’s too much history between us, so even thinking about moving on is hard to swallow.

My mind goes to Emma and Caleb, making my stomach dip, but I refuse to let that hurt sink in when it has no right to. He did what I wanted him to do. He tried finding somebody else who could give him what I couldn’t. I can’t focus on that right now, or I’ll chicken out of going tonight and then I’ll be trapped in my room feeling regret. I feel too much of that lately.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking, but—”

Mom gives methe lookagain. “I’m thinking that you’re running back to the only boy you know. You made your choice already. It’s not something you should go back on, especially so soon. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Isn’t that how the saying goes?”

Irritation bubbles under my skin. “I’m notrunningto anything or anybody. He and I are going to talk and clear the air. And you know what? Who says I made my choice? Why does it have to be cemented?”

“Raine…”

“What?” I cry, voice rising. “What is your problem with Caleb? He’s never done anything wrong. He doesn’t have a criminal record. He doesn’t even speed, for crying out loud. Out of all the people I could wind up with, he’s one of the good ones. Shouldn’t mothers want that for their daughters? Shouldn’t you want someone secure instead of someone like Dad?”

Her expression darkens. “Watch yourself, young lady. I don’t like you raising your voice at me or bringing my relationship with your father into this situation. What’s gotten into you lately? You’ve been acting strange for weeks now, and I don’t like who you’re becoming.”

Fists tightening, I reach around her for the door handle. “It’s laughable that you think your relationship with Dad has nothing to do with this considering your example of love is all I’ve ever known my whole life.”

I let that sink in a little further, lips parting with the realization I’m not sure I fully thought about until now.

All Mom does is stare at the truth being thrown at her the way it deserves to be. Sure, I’ve never been in an abusive relationship with my parents. They’ve never hit me or threatened to and never really yelled at me. But that doesn’t mean the emotional toll doesn’t swing just as hard as a fist would.

Swallowing down the thick emotion, I ask, “And how would you even know how I’ve been acting when you’re always sneaking around with Dad doing God knows what instead of being here?”

Her hands go to her hips. “I’m a grown woman who can do as I please without my daughter’s permission.”

“Well, I’m an adult too, last I checked.” She starts to say something, but I cut her off before I can stop myself. “You know what, I don’t want to deal with this right now. We’re not going to get anywhere by arguing about who’s right and who’s wrong.”

“That’s good, because you wouldn’t like the answer,” she informs me.

I stare at her. “One of these days, you’re going to tell me why you’re so bitter about love. You never liked it. I used to think it was because you weren’t in it with Dad, but then you acted the same way with Caleb and me. I get that your life isn’t where you used to think it would be, but I’d say you’ve had a pretty good one so far regardless. You’ve got people who care about you. Tiffany. Me. Even Dad.”

Mom blinks slowly. Whether she accepts it or not is an entirely different issue. “I’ve never claimed to have a bad life, Raine, or a grudge against love.”

I open the door and shoot back, “Well you could have fooled me.”

Neither of us says goodbye before I walk out, closing the door behind me and glancing over at Leon’s house to see if he’s outside. I bet he’s watchingWheel of Fortuneright now because there’s a light on inside where I think his living room is.

It doesn’t take long to drive to Caleb’s, which is good because my car is making weird noisesagainthat definitely don’t sound healthy. I’ve been praying it lasts me a few more months, but it may be on its last legs at this point.

Pulling up to the curb in front of the building that sat abandoned for years, I glance around to see the darkened house and empty driveway.

Ever since I heard Caleb was living here, I’ve found myself driving or walking by on my way home. I’m not sure why it eased some of the tightness in my chest when I’d see his truck there, but it did. What had I expected to find? Someone else’s vehicle? Another girl? I’m not sure what I would have done if I had. Seeing Emma touch his arm at the hospital was bad enough. I doubt I would have been reasonable if I saw her or anybody else leave his apartment.

Dumb girl, I chastise myself.

Walking up the two uneven cement steps to his front door, I knock and step back, glancing at the window to see if there’s a light on I missed.

Nothing.

Then I knock again. “Caleb?”

I glance at my smartwatch to check the time, but I expected him to be around. He always was when he said he’d be. There were only two times in all the years I’ve known Caleb when he was either late or had to back out: once when he got a flat on the side of the road and was stranded with no phone service, and the other when he slept through his alarm after pulling an all-nighter the day before during midterms. I wasn’t mad at him either of those times, and I don’t want to be now.

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