Page 64 of Lose You to Find Me

But there’s a nagging feeling on top of the leftover irritation that’s been boiling from the brief confrontation with my mother that certainly doesn’t help me feel any less on edge.

After a few minutes of standing there, I bend down to peek into the window and confirm that there’s nobody home. As I’m walking to my car, I hear a door crack open behind me. Just as I’m starting to let in relief that I wasn’t bailed on, I turn to see an unfamiliar face at the door on the other side of the building.

“Are you looking for Caleb?” the older man asks.

Readjusting my bag, I nod and try not to let my chest deflate from disappointment. “Do you know where he is? We were supposed to meet at seven, but his truck isn’t here, and nobody is answering the door.”

Caleb’s neighbor shakes his head. “He’s not here, I’m afraid. He left a while ago. I’d try giving him a call. I’m sure he just lost track of time and will be back soon.”

Swallowing the swell of emotion rising up my throat, I force out an unconvincing “Yeah. Maybe.” I’m about to get into my car when I remember my manners. “Thank you for letting me know.”

The man waves me off before going back into his apartment, leaving me to my thoughts as I slam the car door behind me.

He forgot.

That doesn’t sit well with me and definitely doesn’t lessen the anger that’s already burrowed deep in my stomach.

Pulling out my phone, I hit the Call button and raise the cell to my ear. After waiting for the ringing to stop, it goes to voicemail. I close my eyes and say, “I’m at your apartment, but you aren’t. Which is obvious, I guess. I hope nothing came up with your dad. Just…I don’t know. Text me or something so I at least know you’re alive.”

The last thing I want is for something to have happened to Mr. Anders. But there’s another part of me, an anxious part that has really started annoying me, that wants some sort of answer. One I could justify.

Because being forgotten…well, that’s not something I can settle with easily, no matter if I’ve told myself it’s better he moves on without me. I’ll always love Caleb, always want him.

That acceptance is my purgatory.

*

I drive aroundaimlessly for forty-five minutes, only stopping once to get my favorite fast food and another time when the sound coming from the back end of my car scared me enough to pull over and make sure my wheel was secure. I’m halfway through my chicken nuggets and ten minutes from my parents’ house when Caleb’s name pops up on my cell phone screen. It’s an hour and a halfafterwe were supposed to meet.

I’m tempted not to answer out of pettiness, but I know better than that. If something happened that he couldn’t control, I’d only be adding fuel to the fire between us by assuming otherwise. It’s why I pick up.

“I’m sorry” is the first thing he says when I swipe to accept the call.

I take a deep breath and slow down at the stoplight, biting into another nugget. “Is your dad okay?” I ask with my mouth halfway full. I’m hungry, which isn’t uncommon when I’m overwhelmed. I’ve always been an emotional eater.

A pause. “Yes. He’s okay.”

“Your mom?”

“Yes, but—”

“Was it an emergency?”

His voice is quiet when he says, “Raine. I’m sorry.”

I stare down at my food, feeling my appetite slowly fade. “It wasn’t an emergency then. You bailed.”

The statement is met with more silence on his end, save some light background noise. I grip the steering wheel a little tighter than I need to as I hit the gas once the light turns green. The radio has been off, leaving me solely to my thoughts the entire time I’ve been out.

I think about my parents. Their poor communication. How often they fought. How long it took them to accept that separating was for the best. If I saw it unfold any differently, would I be different? Maybe I’d trust my gut more—be open to telling Caleb that my love for him has never gone away.

Instead, I saw what it’s like for two people to keep each other at arm’s length just to avoid talking about the hard stuff.

“It’s not that simple, Raine. You’ll understand when you’re older,” Mom says, patting my back and shooing me to another room when I ask her if she and Dad made up yet.

At what age will I get it though? Nothing about life is easy, I’ve learned that much. But the older I get, the less I understand. Like why I want to hold on to the same man who I know I need to push away for good.

Eventually, I pull myself back to the conversation at hand, feeling the exhaustion of our push and pull weigh me down. “I know you’ve got a lot going on in your life already, but meeting tonight was your idea. Talking was your idea. Offering to help me on my project, which is a huge part of my grade by the way, wasyouridea, even if I don’t need the help.”

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