Page 21 of Lose You to Find Me

He grins. “It’s all these books Sky is having me read. Speaking of freaky, you should seriously read some of these. Romance novels are off the fucking charts, man. Best sex of my life after she reads those fuckers because they give her ideas.”

The last thing I want to think about right now is sex. Or somebody else’s relationship given the raw status of mine. Or lack thereof.

Plus, I like Skylar Allen—DJ’s girlfriend. They went through a lot to be together, and I’m happy he found somebody who makes him smile so damn much. Even if it’s a little grating sometimes when that lovey-dovey look lights up his face whenever he talks about her.

But I’ve been there before.

“Come on,” I tell him, sighing and nodding toward my apartment. “The game is going to start soon, and I want to get a couple of things done beforehand.”

He follows me inside the renovated two-bedroom apartment. “As long as we’re not cheering on those fucking pussies at Penn State. I’m sick of seeing them all over the damn news when there are players who should be highlighted for their skills and not for the bullshit their teammates were part of.”

DJ has been extra testy ever since one of the Penn State coaches admitted to throwing away some concerning complaints filed against their best players. I don’t blame the guy. Coaches tend to do a little more than they should when their winning streaks are at stake, something Lindon University saw firsthand with our former coach, Coach Pearce. DJ spearheaded his removal last semester, which left the school scrambling to rebuild their coaching staff before the new season started.

“Alabama is playing against them,” I say. We’ve always rooted for Crimson Tide anyway, but I know it’s going to be an intense game thanks to the comments DJ is bound to make against Penn. “Anyway, are you ready for the semester?” I ask, knowing we have a lot of shared classes this year since we’re both studying business for our MBAs. I walk over to the fridge and grab a couple of beers for us, setting one down in front of him. “Because I’m not, that’s for damn sure.”

“Are any of us?” he comments, lifting a shoulder in dismissal. “Doing the internship for Sky’s dad this summer made me realize how much help I still need. I signed up for Alexander’s marketing class this semester, hoping it’ll be an easy A after all the marketing promotions I worked on.”

I pull out my phone and frown when I see a new email from my adviser saying one of the classes I need is full. Grumbling to myself, I glance at the list of available courses she attached and pinch the bridge of my nose. “This is the third fucking class I can’t get into. One of them is only offered every two years.”

DJ’s eyebrows arch up at my hostile tone. “Are you on the waiting list? I managed to get into one of my undergrad courses when people dropped during the first couple of weeks.”

I shake my head in answer.

“Well, even if you don’t get in, you’ll have the chance to when it’s offered next. You may not even need to wait two years. Professors pick up classes all the time.”

Knee bouncing as I sit at the breakfast nook, I go through the rest of my emails before checking my final grades from my summer courses and cringe at the borderline passing marks. There goes my 3.0GPA.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen in two years, DJ. I don’t even know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I worked my ass off to double up and get my MBA sooner, but then the shit with Dad…”

He comes up beside me, pulling out the only other stool I have, and sits down. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You know what you need to do, Cal. Running the store is in your blood. Give yourself some breathing room instead of burning yourself out. It isn’t like there’s a rush to get your degree, anyway.”

I’m quiet as I crack the top open on the beer and take a swig. “I just wish things were back to normal.”

That’s when he asks a question I’ve never really thought about before. “What even is normal?”

And the more I think about it, the more I have no fucking idea.

*

Mom opens thedoor of their house for me with a huge smile on her face—one I haven’t seen in a long time. It’s odd that the first thing I feel is concerned, since her happiness is typically a sign that something good has happened for once. It’s the way her eyes gleam as she ushers me in that has me cautious at best.

Before I can even ask, Mom claps her hands together once and says, “The boys came by to see your father today, and they told him they saw Raine leaving the hardware store.”

She stares at me expectantly, as if I’m supposed to confirm or deny their claim.

The boysare a few guys who work at the town barn. When they’re not out plowing in the winters or working on whatever overpriced project Lindon got approved for in the summer, they’re in everybody’s business. It’s rare you can do anything without one of them ratting you out. Once, I got a speeding ticket and one of the town boys saw me and tattled to my dad. He called me not even two hours later asking how fast I was going and then lectured me on respecting the speed limits, especially near the elementary school where I was pulled over.

Walking over to the armchair where my parents’ elderly basset hound, Frank, is curled up, I fuss over the graying mutt before turning to my mother. “There’s nothing to tell,” I inform her, watching her shoulders drop a fraction. “She didn’t know about Dad, so she came to apologize.”

I’m not quite surehow she could have been in the dark about Dad for this long. People were talking about how sick he looked long before the summertime. He’d brushed them and our suggestion to go to the doctor off until it was too late. By the time he was diagnosed in May, not even two weeks after my graduation, it was a whirlwind of bad news. He hadn’t even done chemo before the specialists saw that the cancer was spreading.

Raine might not have been around this summer, but her family was. There was no way they didn’t know.

I’ve never been one to share personal details about my relationship with either of my parents, so I’m not about to start now. Mom doesn’t need to know what happened between us at the store to get her hopes up that there will be a reunion anytime soon. That’s something I plan on taking to the grave with me, especially because I know the woman who’s watching me with sad eyes would scold me if she found out how I basically used Raine to distract myself from feeling something other than sadness.

What I’ll never understand is why the only woman I’ve ever lovedletme. Raine always wants to make everybody happy, but she shouldn’t have had to go to those lengths that day. Did she want to because she knew I needed it? Or because she missed me too?

And why am I so focused on an answer when I should just let it go? I’ve got Emma. I shouldn’t have had sex with Raine for a lot of reasons, but especially because of the nurse I’m supposed to see tomorrow night for a movie. What’s worse, I don’t want to tell her about my indiscretion.

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