Page 12 of Lose You to Find Me

Chris nudges me again, amusement coating the friendly smile spread across his lips. “You keep doing that. Spacing out. Want to talk about it?”

My answer is an instant “No.”

His chuckle is quiet as we both watch the other people gathering around the fire and surrounding yard. Howie has a big place, and it’s a known hangout during the summertime that usually leads to too much beer, pot, and a lot more that I never participate in. It reminds me of Alden Field back in Lindon, where I shared plenty of experiences with Caleb.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I blow out a breath and look to Chris to try pulling myself away from those lingering memories. “Do you want to take a walk?” I’m feeling too antsy to be sitting around watching Amanda dance like she’s auditioning for a new version ofDirty Dancingor a joint be passed around by Collin and his pretty new friend.

Chris instantly jumps up, offering me his hand to help me stand. It’s sweet, but I shake my head and tuck my hands into the pocket of the hoodie I stole years ago from Caleb. It used to have our old high school mascot on it, but it’s so faded from all the times I’ve worn and washed it that it’s a basic blue sweatshirt now that’s shrunk enough to fit me halfway decently.

This sweatshirt is the first one Caleb let me borrow when I came to see one of his football games. He asked me during lunch one day if I was planning on going, which I laughed nervously at. We’d barely talked besides a few passing things in the hallways, so I wasn’t sure why he was asking. I couldn’t even name all the positions on the field, much less how the game worked. But I went anyway. When he saw me on the bleachers, he jogged over during halftime with the sweatshirt in his hand and told me I looked cold. Then he introduced me to his parents, who I’d seen around town but didn’t really know, and they told me to sit next to them.

It was the beginning of something beautiful. His parents both explained the game whenever I had a question, and we’d all cheer Caleb on while sitting at the edges of our seats.

Fiddling with my hands in the pocket of the hoodie, I walk alongside Chris in a peaceful silence. As we’re rounding the fishing pond that Howie installed on his property a few years ago, I can’t help but ask, “Why don’t you ever bring anybody here during the summers? I know you must have a ton of admirers back home.”

We stop at a footbridge in the middle of the pond and lean on the rails. I smile to myself when I look into the water, hoping to see something. I’ve never been a huge fan of fishing, but I used to go with Dad and Cal—

No, I scold myself. Thinking about him always makes everything hurt worse.

Throat tightening, I turn to Chris to see him looking at me with a funny expression. “What? Do I have chocolate on my face from the s’mores?”

He keeps staring quietly.

“Should I not have asked about the girl thing? It’s none of my business. I was just curious. You’re a good guy. You deserve somebody who makes you happy.”

The last thing I expect my friend to do is step toward me and press his lips against mine in a rushed movement that instantly startles me. My hands dart out with panic and push on his shoulders a little harder than I mean to, making him lose his balance and go over the edge of the railing and into the water.

My hands grip my mouth as tears prick my eyes, blurring them as I quickly look over the edge and yell, “Are you okay?”

Chris resurfaces past the ripples and moves his short hair back. People start running over, pointing, laughing, some yelling and asking if he’s all right.

My fingertips brush the lips he touched, the ones only two other boys have before, making the tears build quicker.

From fear. From hurt. From a mix of emotions that I can’t quite grasp as they take over and tighten my lungs.

I don’t want to think about either of those boys or else I’ll think of all the horrible things that have happened that led me here.

Choices made.

Regrets that haunt me.

It’s too much.

I wait long enough to hear Chris say he’s okay before running off, elbowing my way through the crowd of familiar faces and feeling déjà vu all over again.

Because all I ever do is run from men.

Chapter Five

CALEB

There has alwaysbeen a rush when I’m on the field that starts the moment my cleats dig into the turf. Nothing compares to the freeing feeling of the air whipping through my helmet as soon as I take off, running each yard with the ball cradled in the crook of my arm until the stadium explodes with noise as the touchdown is made.

Football was the mindless escape I took for granted practically my whole life. It was nothing more than a pastime—a hobby I’m damn good at to this day.

I’ve never regretted choosing Lindon over the University of Tennessee, Notre Dame, or any other college that offered me full rides and big opportunities for the future. As far as I was concerned, my future was rooted right here in my hometown where I’d mold something big for myself one day.

Anyone who knew me knew I saw Raine Copelin as the person I’d do that with.

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