Page 11 of Lose You to Find Me

His brows dart up. “Janet isn’t here?”

My mother’s name only deepens the frown as I kick my feet in the water and watch the little ripples move outward. “Nope. My parents are finally going through with the divorce that they’ve been threatening each other with all these years.”

It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but most of the people who’ve lived near my family’s cabin have heard at least one fight from my parents whenever they were here. Almost every time they get heated, it leads to one of them saying they’re going to file for divorce. Even though I’ve accepted this is the best route for them, thinking too deeply on it isn’t something I like doing.

Chris doesn’t say he’s sorry like everybody else does, which makes me even more grateful for his friendship. But what he says is almost worse. “No Caleb either, or…?”

My body stiffens at the innocent inquiry. It was only a matter of time before one of my friends here asked about him, considering I’ve managed to avoid it so far. I assumed Tiffany told people not to bring him up, but she never confirmed or denied doing that whenever I’d mention how the local gossip hadn’t said anything about Caleb’s absence.

People are accustomed to seeing him around for a few weeks, especially the small group of friends we used to hang out with. It’s the same people who congregate in Radcliff every summer, with a few additions here and there. Cousins, friends of friends, newcomers in town for the summer, or whoever one of us is dating at the time. We’ve all had our fair share of extras who we’ve invited along and people we’ve tended to keep as a summer secret for however long they last.

My mind goes to Cody again, causing my lips to twitch downward.

Voice hoarse, I say, “Caleb and I sort of broke up.”

Chris straightens, eyes widening as he turns his body toward me. “No shit. I can’t believe he broke up with you. What an assho—”

“Stop,” I plead, giving him a pained look that has him pursing his lips. Confusion pinches his brows when he sees the hurt on my face. What he obviously doesn’t understand is that it’s the self-inflicted kind of pain brought on by my own conflicted feelings. “It’s not like that. I…it’s really complicated, and I’d rather not talk about it because I’m trying not to think about it. Nothing bad happened though. There’s no reason to call him anything. He’s still…Caleb. He’s still a good person.”

His cheeks pinken as he relaxes his body and stares down at the way I twist my hands nervously in my lap. “Sorry. I just wasn’t expecting that. We all thought he was going to propose. Mom even asked if I thought you’d show up this summer with a ring.” When he sees me wince, he cringes. “I think I’m going to shut up now. Sorry. Again.”

Chris’s awkwardness is sort of endearing, so I manage to push past all the heaviness weighing down my shoulders and change the subject. “Are you going to see the fireworks at Howie’s? I saw him earlier and he mentioned the huge bonfire they were doing beforehand to celebrate the end of the summer.”

The smile I’m greeted with makes me feel a little better, even though I’m sad I’ll be leaving soon. Chris asks, “Want to go together? I think Amanda and her newest boy toy are going to be there. Collin too. I don’t know if he’s still seeing that girl. Stephanie? April?”

I roll my eyes at the botched names. “Her name was Penelope, and I don’t think they’re together anymore. He’s been posting about some girl named Mika lately.”

Chris pops his lips. “What’s with people not being able to stick to one person? It’s—” When he sees the twisted face I make, he groans. “Shit. My bad. I just meant that Amanda and Collin go through people like crazy. Sometimes I think that they should just be together. They’d be perfect for each other.”

I tip my head back and close my eyes again, letting the sun soak into my skin. “Trust me,” I tell him in a murmured voice, “there’s no such thing as a perfect couple. Everybody has flaws. It’s about how you embrace those flaws that makes or breaks people.”

We don’t talk much after that even though it’s obvious Chris wants to ask questions. He’ll have to get in line though.

*

I’m swatting awayanother bug and regretting not bringing repellant spray to Howie’s like my aunt told me to when Chris walks over to the empty lawn chair beside mine.

“You look sad,” he notes, bumping his knee against mine. “I know your mom called when we first got here. Is everything okay? I know you’re upset she couldn’t make it down here.”

I’m not sure “okay” is the best way to describe anything involving my mother. Janet Copelin, soon to be Snyder again, has always been on edge about everything, especially when it comes to her relationship with my father. I never know what she’s going to say when I see her name on my phone.

But it never stops me from picking up when she calls, because I know the only reason they stuck it out so long is because of me. And while I appreciate the effort, I wonder what would have been different if they had just called it quits a long time ago.

There’d be fewer fights.

Less inconsistency.

We would have all beenhappier.

I hate thinking about all the times I was angry at them for putting me through the tense fights at home, especially when there was nothing I could do.

Stretching my legs out, I watch the bright orange flames of the bonfire crackle and pop. “Yeah, everything is fine. I wish she had come. The divorce has been…” I think about it before shaking my head. “Not ugly, but not pretty either. It’s like neither of them wants to be the bad guy, you know?”

My father texts me almost every day to check in on me. Sometimes, when he’s talkative, he’ll call, but neither of us likes talking on the phone that often. It’s after we get talking about school, job applications, and life that he’ll ask about Mom. I never want to turn the conversation over to her because it leads to the same thing every time.

Frustration.

I’m tired of being the person in the middle, hearing it from both sides. I keep telling myself it’s practice for when I’m certified. After all, isn’t helping struggling couples like them what I want to do?

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