Page 19 of Saving the Halfback

“I can’t anymore, Nole. I can’t do this anymore.” His arms shot out, wrapping tightly around me. Holding me desperately, as if he thought that, if he let go…he might disappear.

My phone vibrated, and I closed my eyes tightly. This was not the time. Out of obedience, though, I pulled the phone out.

Dad:Invite Ethan over, you two can continue practicing.

I waslate for biology class, but the teacher didn’t seem to mind. Some video was playing, and I snuck in just as it looked like she was taking attendance. That girl that had hugged Lachlan was there, sitting in front of me and talking to a girl beside her. “He acted like I was nothing,” she was saying.

“He’s messed up. I heard he was in jail because he assaulted someone.”

“Oh my god, are you serious? Psycho.”

I glared at them from where I sat. One thing I hated more than gossiping was judgmental, unfounded gossiping. Lachlan could barely stand to have someone touch him; I doubted he had assaulted anyone.

Taking out my phone, I pulled up the text messages. My finger hovered over Ethan’s number, since I had all the players’ contacts in my phone, but I swiped through my contact list and clicked on Lachlan’s name.

Me:You ok?

I wasn’t expecting an immediate response, but I got one.

Lachlan:I’m good.

Lachlan:Thx. Won’t happen again… between us.

I sent him a lips-zipping emoji and lay my head on my desk, pretending to watch the video. I thought it was about whales…or octopi. Either way, I wasn’t exactly interested. AP biology was much more intriguing. There was so much more discussion and labs done in advanced placement; watching videos was almost mind numbing.

7

Lachlan

“He was just…trying to help.” I talked to my pipe. “Probably thinks I’m a freak now.”

I’d only meant to have a few drags, enough to get me through the rest of the day, but when I’d looked at my watch, I realized art class had already started and, well, it would be disrespectful to interrupt it at this point.

So, I sat at the foot of a tree at the edge of the school property. “The sticks” was what most of the students called it. It was just a spot to sit for me. Peering up at the leaves of the trees as they swayed in the wind, I could feel myself drifting. If I pulled the smoke in deep enough, I could forget things that should be forgotten. But at times, I remembered what I’d lost.

Like what it was like to be hugged. Truly hugged. It was an odd thought, but it flitted through my mind as if Nolan squeezing my arms reminded me of it. My parents tried, though I could feel their unease around me, like they weren’t exactly sure how to handle things. They didn’t know who I was anymore. That meant the last person to truly hug me was Bailey. Bailey girl. Bailey baby. Damn, I missed her.

It had been three years, two months, and fourteen days…maybe—I wasn’t sure, exactly—but that seemed about right. We were leaning against the fence, watching her new horse that had been let out in the pasture. The thing had been kicking up a storm as it ran around, flipping its mane here and there.

I didn’t know what caused the panic attack at that moment. I’d only been having attacks since spring break, and they’d been erratic, with no apparent trigger. I was fourteen and was fighting to breathe deeply enough to allow my brain to process my current state. In the early days of the panic attacks, I’d thought if I could just slow down and let my brain think it through, I would see that there was no logical reason to be feeling this way. But it never worked.

Bailey…that’s what had worked at that moment. At first, she was confused, but then she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and squeezed me tight. She tucked my head under her chin and just kept saying it was okay, over and over.It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.She had no idea what had happened, but she never questioned it. She just took care of me, like she always had. And, within minutes, I just came out of it. That was the last time someone had hugged me that way. Nolan had come close today, though, and that same sense of ease had washed over me.

I took another tug of my pipe and slowly let it out before cleaning up and putting my stuff away. Another glance at my watch told me it was lunchtime. I pulled out a muffin I had swiped from Bailey this morning and began eating it.

Tomorrow. I would try to reset myself for tomorrow. And I would be more fucking vigilant about it. No more girls sneaking up on me.

For the rest of the day, I drifted, this way and that. If I could drift, then I would lift, and if I would lift, then I could fly. When I flew, I was out of here, free. That’s what everyone wanted, right? To be free. Free from constraints, from thoughts, fromexpectations, from failure. I drifted to fly, so flying was what I did. Avoiding my feet touching the ground. Avoiding any forms of physical contact or connection as I made my way through classes. If anyone stared at me, I was too high to notice.

At some point, I woke up on the school bus. I rubbed a hand over my face and glanced out the window as Cloverton came into view. It wasn’t the first time I’d flown through my classes, and I didn’t chastise myself, because I knew it wouldn’t be the last. I took the bus because I knew my limit, and I wouldn’t harm anyone else while using my coping mechanism.

My phone pinged with a message.

Sis:Can you walk me?

I quickly typed out.

Me:Yeah, here, now.

---