Page 19 of Silent Desires

Being Friday, most kids probably look forward to the weekend, but not me. It means over forty-eight hours locked in that stupid basement, bored out of my mind. Worse, I won’t get to see my new friends for several days, which is almost harder to bear than the confinement.

Even though I can’t talk to them, something about being around them makes me feel comfortable. For the first time in my life, I actually look forward to seeing someone—or, rather, someones.

My morning routine goes as usual. I even have time to wash my hair in the sink again, although it causes a lot of pain in my arm and stomach. After towel-drying it as much as I can, I braid it into two braids before leaving the bathroom, aiming to give my mother no ammunition this morning. There hasn’t been an incident since the belt lashing on Wednesday, and I’m optimistic that at least that wound is healing well.

The same can’t be said for my arm. It still looks red and swollen this morning, and the hole seems bigger. I clean away all the pus I can, rinse the gauze, and carefully re-wrap it as the pain radiates down my arm. At least with the weekend coming up, I won’t have to worry about carrying my bag, getting jostled by another student, or the toll gym classtakes on it.

I quietly exit the bathroom, hoping for a quiet escape, but come up short when I see my mother waiting for me with her arms folded and a scowl on her face. I freeze, mentally going over everything. My hair is braided, I’m on time, and wearing my school uniform. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, but as her assessing eyes roam over me, I can’t help but feel nervous.

“Just because you look like that doesn’t mean I can’t see the evil that’s still inside you,” she says angrily, making me tense. When she spoke like this, it often meant I was in for a lot of pain. I stay frozen in place, hoping I don’t anger her more. I’m not sure why she thought I was possessed by a demon. It made no sense to me.

I watch as she closes her eyes and shakes her head, taking a deep breath before dropping her arms to her sides. “You can go, don’t be late,” she mutters as she starts to walk past me. Before I can make a clean getaway, she smacks me over the head, making me internally wince, but I don’t hesitate to move quickly to the front door, relieved at getting away relatively easily. I shove my feet in my giant shoes and head out before she changes her mind.

The walk to school is chilly where the cold air touches my bare legs and seeps through my thin dress shirt, but I keep a brisk pace and arrive early, like yesterday. Looking around the parking lot, I wish I knew where to find Max, so I don’t have to go to class on my own. I’ll probably have to do it one day, but I’m still nervous of other students. I’m also worried about the twins, knowing I’m not completely averse to learning. Would they tell anyone? They seemed to be on friendly terms with Mr. Hargrove, and I’m sure he’ll tell my mother if he knew the truth. I need to do a better job of hiding myself. I’ve let things go a bit too far and itisn’t helping me lie low under my mother’s radar while I figure out an exit strategy.

What I really need is a way to learn without anyone knowing. The library study room was working out well for that, but the others seemed determined to drag me to class. I’d just have to keep my head down, color, and stop writing down answers.

“Mina!” My head jerks up and I see Max waving as he and Jasper jog over to me with smiles on their faces. Their energy is infectious and I can’t stop myself from smiling back. They stop in front of me and grin down at me.

“How was your night?” Max asks, and I shrug and nod my head once, unsure how to answer. It had been an uneventful night, which was a great one in my books. “You ran off yesterday after school before I could offer you a ride home. Can I give you a lift today?”

Ugg. Why did he have to be so nice… and persistent? I shake my head and bite my lip nervously, hoping he won’t be upset.

“No? Are you sure?” he asks, clearly a bit taken aback. I repeat the motion and he nods in acceptance.

“We still have fifteen minutes before class and it’s cold out here, let’s go to the caf,” Jasper suggests, moving to my right side. Max moves to my other side and we walk silently into the school. My fingers play with the straps of my bag nervously. I’m not sure why they want to hang out with me, but I do like their company. They make everything here less intimidating.

When we get to an empty table in the cafeteria, I gingerly take my bag off, trying not to move my bad arm too much, then set it down on the table. As I sit down, I look up at Max and Jasper’s frowning faces. Why are they looking at me like that?

They stare for a few more seconds before exchanging a glance with one another, then they seem to relax as they join me, Jasper sitting beside me on the bench while Max takes a seat on the table between us.

Jasper rummages through his bag before pulling out a small notepad and a pen. He looks up at me with a question in his eyes before passing them to me. I slowly take them, staring down at them before looking back up at him in confusion.

“They’re so you can write. I know you can’t speak, but I figured this is a way we can communicate.” That is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. My mother certainly never tried to help me communicate with her after I went silent. But I had also just decided I couldn’t show them any more of my secrets.

I really appreciated Jasper’s kind gesture, but I need to tread carefully. Maybe if I keep my responses short, I wouldn’t give too much away, while still being able to build a friendship with the twins. I have a feeling school would be terrible without their help.

I pull the notepad and pen to my chest and give Jasper a tight-lipped smile in thanks. I see his shoulders visibly relax. “So, what are you up to this weekend, Mina?” he asks. I ponder the question as I stare at the notepad. I didn’t even have an answer to give him. I was literally going to be locked up in the basement all weekend. But I wasn’t stupid enough to tell him that.

Looking up at him, I shrug. “Good!” Max pipes up, diverting my attention. “We’re going to have a movie marathon at our house, you should join us.” There is nothing I would love more than to join them, but I would never be allowed to leave the house. If my mother even knew that I had friends, she would go crazy.

Not wanting to offend his kind offer, I flip open the notepad and write:can’t, and turn it to show him. He frowns before asking for clarity. “Can’t, or you don’t want to?” I tap my pen against the word. “You have plans or… you’re not allowed?”

I write:not allowed, and show him. I don’t think I’m giving away anything bad with that. I’m sure there are plenty of reasons why a high school girl wasn’t allowed to go to her male friend’s house.

“Are you grounded or something?” Jasper asks. Taking the easy out he’s given me, I nod, making Max snort and my eyebrows raise as in surprise.

“Sorry, Sweetheart. It’s just hard to imagine you doing anything that could get you grounded.” He clearly doesn’t view me the same way my mother does. Something I’m grateful for.

We soon head to class and when Mrs. Pinkins starts with the lesson, I do my best to not participate. I don’t write any answers in my book, and don’t so much as glance at Max’s textbook. I sense him constantly watching me and it takes a great deal of effort not to look at him. My reaction makes me pause. I’ve never wanted to make eye contact with anyone before, it always gave me a sense of dread. But when Max looks at me, it has the opposite effect, it eases me, makes me feel grounded. It’s the same with Jasper and, if I’m being honest with myself, with Mr. Hargrove and Tucker as well. This could all be explained by the fact that I hadn’t met anybody new in a long time, but I didn’t feel the same with any of the other students or teachers. They didn’t all make me feel uneasy, per se, but they didn’t calm me either.

When I get to science class with Jasper, my decision to stay under the radar is a little harder. “Mina?” he asks, grabbing my attention. “Can youpull out your notepad for me?” he whispers while Mr. Yang stands at the front of class giving today’s lesson.

I silently pull it out and place it on the table between us. Jasper slides in front of himself and flips it open to a new page. He glances up to make sure Mr. Yang isn’t watching him, then quickly writes something before passing it back to me.

What’s your favorite color?I glance at him in surprise, but he’s watching our teacher now. Why does he want to know that?

I don’t see any harm in answering, so I write back:green, what’s yours?Then slide it back to him.

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