Page 18 of Hearing Hank

I start the car and drive to the gym under Paul’s direction. It’s small and outdated by city standards, but the equipment works, and the showers are hot. We start with some cardio, hit the weights, and use gloves and target pads for a little sparring. By the time we’re done in the showers, my stress level is back in the normal range, and I’m much less upset than I was this morning. I’m still disappointed, but I’m not bitchy with it.

We decide on Italian for lunch, because pasta. Over really good salad and meatballs, Paul fills me in on the bare bones of Hank’s timeline.

“I’m not telling you anything that isn’t common knowledge,” he says. “He got here in middle school and he couldn’t talk. I’m not sure what his dad did for a living, but they lived in a trailer park on the west end of town, and he spent a lot of time in the bar. Actually both his parents did. His mom had like six jobs in the couple years they were here. They moved when he was in his second to last year of high school and they left him here.”

“Hold up, hold up. They left him? Like furniture?”

“Yeah, one day they were gone, and he wasn’t. He lived with Wyatt for several months, and then Wyatt let him move into the old foreman’s house. Sam said Hank’s done a bunch of work to it, really fixed it up. He put down deep roots here. Wyatt is thrilled that he’s stayed, and Sam thinks of him like a brother.”

It doesn’t take psychology training to read between the lines. “So change is bad and scary. That makes sense. I’m afraid I love him, Paul.” The last bit comes without my permission. I didn’t even know it was hanging around in my head until it came out of my mouth. “And that’s scary too. I don’t know what I’ll do if he really doesn’t want there to be an us.”

“You’ll be fine, of course, but I don’t think that’ll happen. He wouldn’t be so scared if he wasn’t having strong feelings too. Love can be terrifying. Especially if you’ve never really had it before. Trust me.”

Paul’s right. He would know. His family of origin was composed entirely of abusive assholes. It took some real work for him and Sam to get together, and even for him to trust my friendship when we first met.

Between the workout endorphins and the carbs in the pasta, I’m a lot more optimistic than I was last night. “I’m sure he’ll eventually talk to me. I’ll just be patient. I reserve the right to be irritated at him though.”

“Of course,” Paul grins. “That’s a given. Hey, I bet you haven’t heard what he did yesterday when he got back from Denver, have you?” He gets excited.

“No, you’re the first person I’ve talked to since I got back. What happened?”

Paul settles back in his seat with relish, like he’s ready to spill some juicy gossip. “Little Frankie, who you don’t know and don’t want to, and a couple of his ranch hands were talking shit to Hank in the feed store. Hank started to walk away, and then he turned around, got right in their faces, and told them to knock it off. He was calm and polite about it, but he spoke right up, and they shut right up. I’m betting none of that crew will bother him again.”

As angry as it makes me that someone was harassing Hank, I feel a surge of pride. I wish he was telling me himself, but I’m so glad that he spoke up and that it worked out. I make a mental note to congratulate him when he’s ready to talk to me again. It’s a big deal that he’s making this kind of progress, and I’m almost as proud as I am irritated.

23

Hank

“Okay,that’sit.Whatin the hell is going on with you?” Wyatt asks.

I know he’s confused. I haven’t been able to do a thing right all morning. I spent all day Sunday laying around the house feeling sorry for myself, and so far today I might as well have stayed there. In fact, we might be farther ahead on our chores if I had. My mood is upsetting the horses, I managed to spill 50 pounds of chicken feed everywhere, and I just let Henry headbutt me face-first into a mud puddle that was probably more goat piss than mud, so I stink to high heaven. Not a stellar start to the morning.

“I heard that you stood up to Big Frank’s boy on Saturday, couple different people told me they were happy to see it. Don’t figure that’s what’s got you all bothered, he’s had it coming for years.”

“You’re right, that was a long time coming, and I’m pretty glad I managed that,” I tell him. “But that’s not it. I had to tell Lee that I can’t see him anymore, and that’s not sitting easy. I was having a good time with him, and I can’t quite make peace with it being over.”

“What’d you do that for?” Wyatt asks. “Normally I’d say it was your business, but you’re practically my kid, and obviously you ain’t happy about it.”

I’m washing the goat piss mud off my face in the barn sink as he talks, and hearing him call me his kid makes me snort water into my nose in surprise. It stinks and burns.

“Goddammit!” I yell. I’m not sure which one of us I’ve surprised more. I don’t remember ever raising my voice in my life. I snort the water back out and dry my face off. Turning around to apologize, I’m surprised to see Wyatt grinning at me.

“It’s not that funny,” I mutter.

Wyatt just grins wider. “I’m not smiling because it’s funny, I’m smiling because you yelled. Like standing up to Frankie, it’s a pretty big deal.”

“Yeah, it’s getting easier,” I admit. “I hadn’t been pushing myself to work harder at it for a while. My therapist told me what I needed to work on, but I was comfortable. When I wanted to talk to Lee I took the next steps. I guess a little push was all I needed.”

“So what’s up with ending it?” Wyatt asks. “He seems like a good guy, and you just said you had a good time.”

“Too good of a time,” I mutter. I know Wyatt hears me because he cocks an eyebrow, and I know I won’t get away with not elaborating. I have something more pressing on my mind though. “What do you mean I’m practically your kid? Sam said I was family the other day too.”

“Aw hell,” Wyatt says. “I had guardianship of you for over a year, and you’ve been here almost fifteen since. I’m deeding you your house in my will, and Sam thinks of you like a big brother. I’m not sure how much more family you can get. Are you saying you never thought of it like that?” He’s not smiling anymore.

“I’m thinking that at least one of us should have talked more,” I say, exasperated. Even with the stress of having an emotional conversation with Wyatt, who talks about his feelings exactly never, I’m still managing to string words together. “I figured you kept me around because I did a good job, and we got along. I had no idea about the house, how could I? When I think about family, I don’t think of you and Sam, I think about my parents dragging me around like a burden they didn’t want until they finally got tired and left me.”

“I’m right sorry they did that, and I’d like to kick their asses for it,” Wyatt tells me. “But you should think about something. You’ve been here on this ranch with me for at least as long as you were with your parents now. You aren’t here because you’re good with the horses, even if you are. You’re not even here because I want someone else to deal with the goats, although that’s a perk for me. You’re here because it’s your home, and it’s where your family is, whether you know it or not. We love you Hank, and as awkward as that is to say to a grown man who’s not my husband, I should have had the balls to say it sooner. I figured you knew. I had no inkling you didn’t.”

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